


Tony's Secret

by Spnfandom8



Category: NCIS, Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 55,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26935927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnfandom8/pseuds/Spnfandom8
Summary: When Dean Winchester was twelve years old, his older brother walked out of their motel room and never came back. They are reunited years later when Dean is arrested, by none other than his brother and his team.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be set in the fifth season of supernatural, right after Sam goes to the pit. But in this story instead of Dean going to Lisa’s house, he’s going to continue hunting on his own. I’m not sure what season of NCIS this will be set in. Enjoy! :)

For the first time in a long time, I felt tears prickling the backs of my eyes. I looked up, hoping to catch my older brothers eyes, he wouldn’t look at me.   
“Tony, please don’t go. I can’t take care of Sammy all on my own” I begged   
“I’m sorry lil D, I can’t do this anymore, if I don’t get out now, I never will. You take good care of Sammy for me, don’t let anything happen to him, or you” he said as he turned again, ready to walk out the door.   
“Will I ever see you again?” I asked, dreading the answer.   
“Of course, and you can call me whenever you want. I’ll always be here for you Dean, promise” he said with tears in his eyes.   
“Bye Tony” I whispered as he walked out the door.   
I had only been home today because I got a three day suspension for fighting, the guy was a bully, he kept picking on kids who couldn’t defend themselves. So I stood up for them, punched him right in the face. The principal tried to call dad but he was hunting, had been gone for a couple weeks already, and he was due back a couple days ago.  
Tony came and picked me up instead., they let him because he turned 18 a couple weeks ago. When we got back to the shitty motel, dad’s car was sitting out front. And when we got inside Tony started yelling at dad because he was supposed to be home 4 days ago, and he hadn’t left enough money. Dad started yelling back, so I went outside to sit inside the Impala. They get like that sometimes, and when they start yelling it takes them ages to stop. Except this time, this time, dad came storming out of the room not five minutes later, an angry scowl on his face, I quickly clambered out of the Impala, seeing as it was obviously where dad was headed. I was standing by the door of the car when dad stormed right past me, swung into the Impala and took off like a bat out of hell.   
When I went back in the room to see what had happened, I found Tony quickly packing up his duffel bag.   
“What happened Tony?” I questioned  
“Dad happened, again” he stated angrily   
“Where are you going?” I asked, starting to get worried.  
“I’m gonna go make myself a life somewhere lil D” he said, the anger seeming to have faded from his voice, turning it somewhat hopeful.   
“Your 12 now, you can take care of Sammy, but I have to get out, I can’t do this anymore, I left some money in the nightstand for food” he said, sounding distraught.   
That’s when I started begging him not to go. He’s my big brother, he’s taken care of me and Sammy our whole lives. I don’t know how to take care of me and Sam by myself.   
That day, dad didn’t come home, but Sammy did. And I had to explain to him that Tony had left us, and that it was up to me to take care of him now.   
Dad didn’t come home for another 2 months, and in that time, I figured out how to make dinner, how to do the laundry, how to make sure Sammy got his homework done, how to hustle pool, because the money Tony left ran out after a month, how to shoplift when we ran out of food, because it takes practice to become good at hustling pool.   
And by the time that dad got back, piss drunk and bleeding. I had already begun to figure out how to be the parent, how to be the adult, how to be a role model for Sammy.   
And that night, as dad went on about how his good for nothing son left, abandoned his family, forgot about the revenge for his mother. I learned how to take care of my father too, how to sew him up, how to placate him so he wouldn’t get mad, how to get him into bed.   
And Tony broke his promise, he never answered, not once. No matter how many times I called him, no matter how many times I left messages, pleading for him to come home. No matter how many times I wished he would just come back, so I didn’t have to do this by myself.


	2. chapter 2

I winced as I stood up, my back stretching out from it’s hunched position. I threw the shovel out of the grave and hauled myself out to sit on the edge of the hole I have been digging for the last 3 hours. I took a sip from the flask inside my pocket and sighed as I stood, then grabbed the salt and the gas from beside me and poured it over the bones lying inside the casket below me, I sent an apology to the poor sap I was roasting, and then threw in a couple matches. As the flames licked the sides of the grave I was blinded by a flashlight to the face, I reacted quickly, throwing my arm out I knocked the flashlight from the persons hand, shoved the person backwards, bent down to grab my things, and then hauled ass to my baby.   
“Police! put your hands in the air!” someone bellowed from behind me.   
Fuck that, like hell i’m stopping to get arrested. My lungs were working overtime, my legs pushed to their limits. I finally arrived at my car, I threw open the door and shoved the keys in the ignition. I stopped when I realised that I was surrounded by officers, not willing to run over a cop, I put my hands in the air in an act of surrender.   
“Open your door, slowly!” someone shouted.   
No need to shout bud, it’s just glass separating us, not soundproof walls.   
I kept my hands in the air as I turned in my seat, slowly lowering one hand to the handle, pushing slowly, I opened my door. Not willing to get me, or my baby, shot because I scared a cop moving too fast when exiting my car.   
I plastered a cocky grin on my face and kept my hands in the air as they surrounded me, one of them cuffing me, another reading me my rights. I was soon handcuffed and sitting in the back of a police car.   
Well fuck, that didn’t go as planned. Although I probably should have been more careful, I am in D.C, the capitol. But there was a case, a ghost that was killing anyone who moved into his old house. And I couldn’t let that go on. At least I finished the case before getting arrested.   
“Where are we going?” I asked the cop driving   
“NCIS, you desecrated the grave of a marine, now your gonna get questioned by the navy cops.” The guy said, apparently happy that he didn’t have to deal with me.   
“Sounds like fun” I said cheerily.   
The guy just grunted at me, apparently done talking.   
After about 20 minutes we pulled into a parking lot, the cop who was driving opened my door and pulled me out of the car by my arm.   
“Hey, what’s gonna happen to my car?” I questioned nervously   
“It’s probably going to be brought here” he stated   
I just nodded, hoping whatever asshole was driving my baby was being careful. I kinda zoned out for a while as he signed me in and patted me down, getting ready to take me to interrogation. I finally decided to pay attention as we got off the elevator. As we walked through a bullpen towards the stairs, I looked around, noticing the agents seated at their desks. I felt the blood drain from my face as my eyes landed on someone I never thought I would see again, Tony. he was grinning at this geeky looking guy at another desk before he looked up at me, I didn’t see an ounce of recognition on his face. That stopped me dead in my tracks, anger washing through my body. The guy leading me through the bullpen started to tug on my arm, silently telling me to get moving, I didn’t care. I lunged at Tony, seeing red.  
I was silently raging as I lunged at him, slipping my already loosened cuffs. I landed on him, knocking him out of his chair, I landed blow after blow on him, anywhere I could, body, face, arms. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was making him hurt, the way I did.  
Someone grabbed me from behind, locking my arms behind my back. I watched as he slowly sat up, looking at me like I was the crazy one.   
“You lied” I spat with venom   
Recognition slowly trickled onto his face, the blood now smeared across his cheek.   
“Dean?” he questioned disbelievingly.  
I just continued to glare at him, wanting him to know how much I despised him. I felt a new pair of handcuffs click onto my wrists.   
“You okay Dinozzo?” the man behind me questioned.   
Tony just nodded, looking like he was in shock. The man who had pulled me off Tony pulled me away, up the stairs, and to an interrogation room. He then sat me down with my hands now cuffed to the table, I finally got a good look at him while he was cuffing me to the table. White hair, blue eyes, and a glare almost as intimidating as dad’s.  
I smirked at him, slapping on my mask. The mask that said, i’m fine, i’m happy, i’m confident. The one that didn’t let any of my true emotions through. The one that didn’t show how fucking shaken I was from seeing my older brother again, after so long. The one that didn’t show how fucking angry I really was, that didn’t show that I was so close to snapping. The one that didn’t show how much I wanted to just scream, scream because that might make me feel less like I was drowning, might make me feel less like I was slowly sinking, like I wasn’t losing everything, like I wasn’t losing control, like my baby brother wasn’t dead, like Jo, and Ellen weren’t dead. Like Bobby and Cas weren’t the only people left who actually give a shit about me.   
I was snapped out of my thoughts by the door slamming closed, the white haired man leaving. Not for long though, he came back after a couple minutes. I just smirked at him.   
“We’re going to get to you desecrating a grave later, for now i’m more concerned about the fact that you just beat the shit out of one of my agents, for no apparent reason” he stated. Glaring at me the whole time, like as if him glaring was going to make me snap and spill all of my deep dark secrets for him. No thanks, he can go fuck himself if he thinks that i’m going to talk to him.   
“I want to talk to Tony” I stated.   
“No” he said, and then started trying to interrogate me.  
I just ignored him, they weren’t going to get shit from me until I can talk to the little fucker who no longer has the right to call me family.


	3. chapter 3

After about an hour of the man trying to get me to talk to him about why I attacked Tony, or why I desecrated a grave. He finally gave up, he sighed as he got up and walked out the door. A couple minutes later Tony walked in the room, he also had a mask on, but his was blank. I suddenly dropped my happy mask, not caring for putting on a show. I just openly glared at him, hoping he could see the anger, and the pain he caused.   
“What are you doing here Dean?” he asked, no emotion in his voice.   
“Eating cake” I responded snarkily   
“Why are you here Dean?” he asked again, ignoring my previous comment.   
“I would like to know the same thing, why are you here Tony? I never thought i’d see you again, you know, after you left” I spat the last part, anger coating my words.   
His mask cracked, letting pain show through his eyes.   
Fuck him, I don’t care if he’s hurting. He left, and he didn’t come back.  
When he didn’t respond, other than the brief flash of hurt in his eyes, I spoke up again.   
“You promised, you promised you would always be there for me, you promised you would answer the fucking phone!” I yelled at him, wanting him to know what he did was wrong.   
“I’m sorry Dean” he said, looking at me, but not meeting my eyes.   
“No! You don’t get to be sorry. I don’t accept your fucking apology. I called you, when I needed you, I called you. And you never answered the phone” I told him again, wanting him to yell, to get angry, wanting something to take my anger out on.   
“I had to get out, if I ever came back I would have stayed forever, I had to get out” he said, seemingly pleading with me to understand.   
“I don’t give a shit! I called you, I called you when dad left and didn’t leave us enough money, and I had to learn how to hustle pool and shoplift so Sammy didn’t starve. I called you when Sam got pneumonia, and I thought he was gonna die. I called you when I got caught shoplifting and dad left me in a group home for a year, to “teach me a lesson” and I didn’t know if he would come back for me. I called you when Sammy graduated high school. I called you when he got into college and dad disowned him. I called you when dad went missing. I called you when I got electrocuted and was given a month to live. I called you when dad died. I called you when I made a deal and was given a year before they collected. I called you the night before I was taken to hell. I called you when, when, Sammy died. And you never answered the fucking phone, not once.”  
by the time I finished I was standing up with my chair kicked on the ground behind me, my hands braced on the edges of the table, the cuffs on the ground again. I was breathing hard, staring at Tony who was staring at the ground, tears streaming down his face.   
“Sammy is, d-dead?” he asks in a broken voice  
“You don’t get to call him Sammy” I snap, still fuming  
His head snaps up, looking at my face, but still not meeting my eyes.   
“Is he dead?” he asks again   
“Yes” I answer, slowly reconstructing my mask.   
He then stands up and leaves the room. I bend over and pick up my chair, sitting down again, but leaving the handcuffs where they are. I shoot a glare at the one way mirror directly across from me, knowing that there was probably someone in there watching us.   
About 2 hours later the man with the white hair comes in, still scowling, and motions for me to follow him, confused, I stand and walk quickly after him.   
“What’s your name?” I ask, wanting to have a name instead of the white haired man.   
“Gibbs” he answers shortly   
“Hello Gibbs, my name’s Dean” I say cheerily, mask firmly in place.   
He ignores me, I start paying attention again when we start to descend the stairs that lead to the bullpen, where I beat the shit out of Tony a couple hours ago.   
As we get to the desks he points for me to sit in one of the chairs. I comply, happy he didn’t try and put me in handcuffs again. Everyone from before is there at their desks. There is the geeky guy, the scary looking woman, Tony, with the addition of a pretty Goth, and an old guy. I wave to everyone, cocky smirk on my lips. I then turn and wink at the Goth, she smiles back at me. Gibbs then clears his throat, snagging my attention.   
“So your Tony’s little brother?” the geeky guy asks   
“No” I answer plainly   
“You see, I used to have this great older brother, always took care of me, but one day when I was 12, he decided to leave, let me take on the responsibility of taking care of our ten year old brother, and our fucking angry drunk of a father. And he never came back. My little brother is dead, my father is dead, and my older brother is dead to me” I say, never letting my mask drop, I just keep on smiling, like my life isn’t falling apart in front of me.   
I look up to see that the Goth looks upset.   
“Don’t be sad, i’m still kicking” I tell her with a cheesy grin. It doesn’t work, she just keeps on looking sad. Like she pities me, but I don’t fucking want that, I don’t want their pity, yeah I had a shitty childhood. But i’m still here, I might have left for a while, taken a trip to hell, but I came back. I’m still alive, despite the numerous odds stacked against me, i’m still fucking here.


	4. chapter 4

As I was sitting in the office chair in the bullpen, trying to no avail to cheer up the pretty Goth. I could feel Tony’s stare burning a hole in my head, I ignored him.   
“Tony explained everything, how your brothers, and how your a hunter, how he changed his name when he left.” the pretty goth told me when I ran out of things to try and cheer her up with. I was surprised that he told them about the hunter thing, it’s not something widely accepted, especially among law enforcement. Apparently sensing my curiosity, Tony spoke up.   
“A couple years back, we ran into this case, wendigo, we were stuck in the woods with it, it was either tell them and hope they listened to me, or let them run off and get eaten. So I told them, they thought I was crazy but listened to me, they finally believed me when I ended up torching the son of a bitch after he tried to eat Ziva” he told me animatedly.   
I just nodded, not willing to look at him just yet.   
“How did, um, how did Sam die?” he asks hesitatingly   
“The apocalypse, it started when ‘a righteous man spills blood in hell.’ That was the first of 66 seals needed to break Lucifer out of the cage, when the seals were all broken, Lucifer rose, and me and Sammy found out that we are the true vessels of Michael and Lucifer, me being Michael and Sammy Lucifer. Because what the angels and Demons wanted, was for Michael and Lucifer to fight to the death, because the angels believed that when Michael killed Lucifer, there would be Paradise on earth, and the demons wanted Lucifer to destroy humanity, except the problem is that when they fought to the death, it would destroy half the earth, the angels didn’t care, because, excluding Cas, they are absolute dicks. We tried everything to kill him, we got the colt from Crowley, apparently that won’t kill lucifer, we got Gabriel on our side, Lucifer killed him too. Eventually, Michael found out about our half brother, Adam, and took him as a vessel because he was related to us. We got the rings of the four horsemen and came up with a plan, a last ditch effort to save earth. Sammy said yes to Lucifer, we opened a portal to the pit, and Sam took control of Lucifer long enough to throw the both of them, and Michael, into the pit. That was about two weeks ago today. Your welcome.” I told them, they all looked dumbstruck, apparently not expecting a run down of the Judeo/Christian apocalypse that Team Free Will averted. After about ten minutes they all started to become less catatonic. All of a sudden, the geeky one spoke up.   
“Wait, if Michael used Adam because he was related to you, how come they never came after Tony?” he questioned   
“Good question, it’s because me and Tony actually aren’t related, Tony was taken in by our parents when he was an infant, his parents were small time hunters who were killed shortly after giving birth to him, they were friends of Mary’s so when they were killed, mom took him in.” I told them. Dad hadn’t told me that until I was 19, he was drunk when he told me, and I don’t think he actually remembers telling me the story, I also don’t think he ever told Tony.   
I looked over to see if Tony had recovered from his shock yet.   
“I’m adopted?” he asks  
“Yep” I answer, not in the mood to give a shit about his feelings   
“Do angels really exist?” Gibbs asks me  
“Yeah, most of them are dicks though” I tell him  
“Prove it” he tells me challengingly.   
Whatever, I shrug, I then turn around and pray to Cas, hoping he isn’t too busy right now. I smile when I hear a fluttering sound from behind me.   
“Hey Cas” I greet   
“Hello Dean” he says in his standard greeting   
“What is the meaning of this?” he questions   
“They wanted me to prove angels exist” I tell him bluntly   
“Oh” is all he says as he turns around and introduces himself.   
“Hello, I am Castiel, angel of the lord” he says emotionlessly   
“Um, hi” he gets in return, with an awkward little hand wave from the goth.   
He nods, turns around and frowns at me, he reaches out with two fingers and touches my forehead, the pain from my broken ribs fading away into nothingness. I give him a small smile.   
“Thanks Cas” I say and watch as he poofs away.   
“Um, that was an angel?” the geek states   
“Yeah” I agree  
“What did he do you” the goth asks, putting her fingers out like Cas had.   
“He healed my broken ribs” I told her   
“You had broken ribs?!” she asks in distress   
“Yeah, part of the job, lots of injuries, and I don’t like hospitals” I tell her truthfully   
“But the way you tackled Tony, and when Gibbs locked your arms behind your back, that had to have hurt, i’ve had broken ribs, they are not fun” the woman at her desk said, heavily accented, speaking for the first time.   
“Your right, it’s not fun, but it’s not awful, there are a lot worse things out there” I tell her   
“Okay, so putting aside, the apocalypse, I have a few more questions” Tony speaks up again.   
“What?” I ask snappishly, not in the mood to speak to him.   
“How did dad die?” he asks quietly  
“Car crash, demon t-boned baby while Sam was driving, I was already hurt in the backseat. Afterwards Sam was scratched up, dad was worse off, and I was in a coma. Dad ended up trading his soul for mine, I get to live, he went to hell.” I tell him, compacting the story into a couple sentences.   
“Uhuh, how is baby?” he asks, I think he’s compartmentalising things for later.   
“She was totalled after the accident, I went to Bobby’s and rebuilt her, she’s as good as new.” I told him   
“Where is she?” he asks distractedly   
“The cop told me that they would bring her here” I told him. When he didn’t answer I got impatient.   
“Is there a reason i’m here? You know i’m a hunter, I burned the bones to get rid of the ghost. Why are you still keeping me here?” I asked.   
Honestly, I just wanted to go find a couple hunts to lose myself in. I had been so angry at Tony for years, still am, but now that he’s here, in front of me. I realise i’ve said all I need to say, and I don’t ever want to see him again. He was my big brother, my role model, and then he decided to leave me in a shitty motel with our baby brother. And I honestly don’t want anything to do with him.   
“We can’t let you go, your logged into the system. If you just disappeared it would fall on us, your a part of an ongoing investigation. Your going to have to stay here until we figure out how to clear your name.” Gibbs told me. Crushing all of my hopes of leaving.


	5. chapter 5

Tony’s POV 

When Gibb’s said that Dean couldn’t leave I was relieved, I had to find a way to fix this. I knew that I hurt him when I left, but I always pushed it aside, telling myself that for once I had to put myself first.  
When Yellow eyes killed mom, I was ten, I was ten when I lost my mother and father, when I became a father. From that point on, the only fatherly things that dad ever did for us, was to teach us how to hunt. I raised Sam and Dean, up until the point that I left, I dropped out of highschool, I got a job in each new town that we ended up in, I did the laundry, I cooked, I cleaned, I helped them with their homework. And it was good, for a while, as good as it was going to get, dad took me out on hunts sometimes, but most of the time I protested and stayed home to take care of them.  
And we had our moments, I made sure we had gifts on christmas, even though dad never actually made it home for it. We would go to the park, and we had family game night, I taught Dean everything he knows about pop culture, I took them to the library to read every friday, I taught Dean how to fix up cars, and Sammy how to read chapter books, even though he was only 8. We would play together, laugh together, get into trouble together, we were inseparable.  
But by the time I was 16, I knew I didn’t want to hunt for the rest of my life, what little life I would have as a hunter. Little known fact; hunters don’t have a long life expectancy. I knew that if I didn’t get out at some point, I never would, I would die young, fighting a monster no one knows about, probably labeled a criminal, I would get a hunter’s funeral. that’s not what I wanted, I wanted something more, I wanted a wife, and kids, and to grow old, with grandchildren, and family around me. I didn’t want to die at 30, alone and hurting.   
I knew that I couldn’t leave my brothers alone, they were so young, and sometimes dad didn’t leave enough money. So I decided that when I turned 18, Dean would be 12, two years older than I was when I was given the responsibility of my brothers. I wasn’t planning on leaving when I did, I was going to give it a while, teach Dean some things, how to do laundry, how to get money, how to take care of him and Sam. but when dad came back that day, he was pissed that I would have the gall to talk to him like that, he yelled and screamed, and I gave as good as I got, but I was done, I couldn’t do it anymore. I packed a bag, left a couple hundred bucks for Dean and Sam, and I made a promise I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep, because I knew that if Dean ever asked me to come back, I wouldn’t be able to say no.   
So I turned my cell phone off, caught a bus and made my way to Baltimore. When I got there, I ended up living on the streets for about 2 years, I finally got over my ingrained fear of law enforcement and applied to become a cop, I saved up to pay for a false identity, doing odd jobs around the city, became a cop, got an apartment, and the rest is history.   
Now here I am, years later, and my little brother stumbled across my new life, angry, hurting, and telling me that our baby brother is dead, our father is dead. And he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and I can’t blame him, nobody can blame him.   
But now he’s giving me an information overload, when he was yelling at me earlier, he told me that he called when he made a deal, and was given a year before the collected, and that he called me the night before he was taken to hell. What does that mean though? Demon deals are for 10 years, and why would he make a deal in the first place? It doesn’t make sense.   
He has given me a lot to process, the apocalypse, angels, demons, lucifer, being adopted, my baby brother being dead. And I need to focus right now, I need to put this all away for later. I quickly shook my head and cleared my mind.   
“Where is he going to stay, if we let him go he’ll run?” I asked Gibbs   
“He can come stay at my house” Gibbs said. I was surprised, I thought Gibbs would say to leave him in a cell until we could figure this out.   
“Are you sure Boss?” I asked.   
“If I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have said it” he told me snarkily   
“Um, you know, you could always just let me go. I won’t run, promise” Dean said with fake innocence, projecting an air of ‘trust me, I won’t stab you in the back.’ And it wasn’t fooling anyone.   
“Your staying at my place, and that’s final” Gibbs said, ending the argument before it could gain momentum.   
“Whatever” Dean said, giving in too easily for me to believe he wouldn’t try something.


	6. chapter 6

It was an awkward car ride, Gibbs, the guy who said I could stay at his place, was just silently driving. He wouldn’t let me turn the radio on, and I wasn’t particularly into starting a conversation with the guy who won’t let me leave.   
“Don’t try to run” he states, monotone.   
“Why not?” I ask snarkily   
“Because you won’t get far” he tells me stonily  
“Do you know how many law enforcement agents have told me that?” I questioned him, actually being serious. A lot of cops have told me that i’ll never get far if I try and run, I always run, and I always get far.   
He just shot me a look, telling me to shut up.   
“We have your car locked up tight, I know you won’t leave without it” he tells me, a smug gleam in his eyes.   
“Maybe I will” I lie, knowing I won’t leave without my baby.   
He says nothing until we arrive a few minutes later.   
“You can have the guest room upstairs, Tony is bringing you some clothes from your car” he tells me as we walk inside, he directs me to the room and then goes downstairs.   
I lay on the bed for a while, it’s more comfortable than the motel beds, so i’m not complaining.  
I slowly process everything that’s happened in the last 7 hours, I know Tony had been putting some things aside to process when he was alone. I was doing the same thing. It never does any good to panic in front of other people.  
It’s efficient, when someone is giving me either too much information, or fucked up horrible information, I just nod and keep moving, keep going, until i’m alone, or until I finished what needs to be finished.   
So I bottle it up and wait, and when i’m alone, that’s when I can think through everything that happened, I can let myself panic, or get angry, or sad, and there is no one there to see me break, or to see me punch a wall, or drink until I can’t stand, or just curl up on a bed and not move for a while. Because no one needs to see that, so it’s better, to just wait until i’m alone.  
That’s why hunting is great, it’s something to focus on, other than the overwhelming grief of my baby brother being dead. I know that I need to finish a case, or other people will die, it’s not an if or a might, if I don’t get my job done, people die. And they keep dying until I gank whatever son of a bitch that’s killing them. So I bottle it up, and I don’t have to think about the fucked up mess that is my life for a while, I can just hunt. I can put everything else aside, every little detail of my fucked up little world, I can shove it to the back of my head, and it doesn’t come out until i’m lying down after finishing a case, and it always comes back, but hunting, and drinking, and fighting, makes it go the fuck away for a little while. The utter fucked-uppedness that is my life.   
It’s about dinnertime when I go back downstairs to see that Gibbs is still in his basement. I slowly make my way down the stairs.   
“Why, do you have a boat in your basement?” I ask when I see what’s down there.   
“Is there something you needed?” he asks, not stopping his work.   
“Can I make dinner? I’m bored and hungry.” I ask him  
“Can you cook?” he asks   
“I wouldn’t have asked if I couldn’t cook” I tell him snarkily  
“Sure” he tells me, and there is a distinct feeling of dismissal.   
I make my way back up the stairs and into the kitchen. I open the fridge to see that there is everything I need to make enchiladas. Smiling at the chance to cook somewhere other than a shitty motel kitchen, I take out all the ingredients and get started. After seeing the small radio on the counter, I turn on a classic rock station and continue cooking. After about a half an hour I hear footsteps behind me, spinning around with the knife still in hand I turn to face the person behind me. It was Gibbs and Tony.   
Tony had his hands in the air, and Gibbs was just looking at me with a raised eyebrow.   
“What are you making?” he asks curiously  
“Enchiladas” I tell him  
He just nods his head and sits down at the table   
“When did you learn how to cook?” Tony asks disbelievingly   
“After about your second week of being in one town, people start to notice that the new kids spend every meal at the diner without a parent, people get suspicious, causes problems, I learned how to cook early on” I tell him flatly, hoping he gets the message, I don’t want anything to do with him.   
That flash of pain was back, right behind his mask, close enough to the surface for me to see it, but far enough away that most people wouldn’t.   
I just turned back to chopping the onion. Tony went upstairs to put my duffel in the guest room.   
“Why do you hate him so much” Gibbs asked, sounding honestly curious.   
“Because he abandoned me in a shitty hotel room when I was twelve, with my 8 year old brother and not a clue how to take care of him” I tell him truthfully, still not turning away from my chopping.   
Tony came back downstairs and sat at the table with Gibbs, I continued cooking. When the enchiladas were in the oven I set the timer and sat at the table too, that lasted about an awkward 3 minutes before I asked Gibbs if I could borrow his phone, seeing as they took mine. And I was supposed to check in with Bobby.   
“Speakerphone” he told me as he handed the phone over. It wasn’t surprising, so I conceded and took the phone.   
“Hey Bobby” I greeted when he answered the phone with a grunt   
“Dean” he said  
“Guess who found Tony?” I ask him with a forced smile  
“Tony, your brother Tony?” he questions the disbelief obvious in his voice.   
“Yep, he became a cop” I tell him  
“Your joking?” he asks   
“Nope” I pop the p   
“What happened?” he demands  
“Routine salt n burn, got arrested, it was a marines grave, got sent to the navy cops for questioning, Tony was one of the cops who was there, now they are keeping me here” I surmise for him   
“Jesus christ Dean, did you tell him?” he asks.   
“Yeah I told him about Sammy” I tell him, my voice suddenly quieter.  
When he didn’t say anything for a minute, I spoke up.   
“Listen, I gotta go Bobby, the cops are listening in, i’ll call you for check in tomorrow” I tell him, hearing him grunt a goodbye before hanging up.   
“Why do you have to check in with Bobby?” Tony asks after a few minutes of silence  
“I worked solo for a few years, got pretty fucked up a couple times, Bobby wants me to check in when i’m working solo so he knows i’m not dead in a ditch somewhere” I tell him.   
“Why were you working solo? What about dad and Sam?” Tony asks me, sounding worried.   
“We both know dad was a great hunter, but he was a shitty father, he let me go on my first hunt when I was 12, he hunted with me until I was 18, I didn’t let Sam go on his first hunt till he was 16, so that was two years solo. Then Sam and me hunted together for 2 years before he went to college, then it was solo until I was 26. And the last two weeks i’ve been working alone” I think aloud, answering his question and figuring out the timeline for myself.   
“Why didn’t you go to college?” was Tony’s follow up question a few minutes later  
“Ha, I barely got my GED, hunting is a full time job, Sammy wanted out so he went to college, Stanford law” I told him, and I knew they could hear the note of pride in my voice when I said that Sammy got into Stanford.   
Tony was cut off from asking another question when the timer dinged, telling me that dinner was ready, we were all quiet throughout dinner, and when it was finished Gibbs and Tony started to clean up so I went up to the guest room. I flopped onto the bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.


	7. chapter 7

The next morning I was woken up by the smell of coffee brewing, I slowly sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I threw on a pair of jeans to go downstairs for some coffee. When I got down there I immediately went for the coffee machine which was brewing pure heaven at the moment, when I went to reach for it I was startled by a voice.   
“You should know Gibbs drinks his coffee really strong” A female voice said from behind me   
“That’s alright, so do I” I told the pretty goth who was sitting at the table in the kitchen.  
She was drinking some sort of energy drink by the looks of the can.   
“You know, I never got your name?” I ask her  
“It’s Abby” she tells me distractedly   
I turn away from the coffee pot, having filled my cup up, only to find her staring at my back, I only just realise that i’m not wearing a shirt. Which means she can see all of my scars.   
“You like what you see?” I question with a smirk, covering up the fact that I forgot to grab a shirt to cover my scars.   
She just hummed distractedly, eyes wandering across my chest now, she lets out a small gasp when she sees the scar tissue that is my chest, largely in thanks to the hellhounds that ripped it to shreds when they took me to hell.   
“H-how did you survive that” she asks hesitatingly   
I open my mouth to answer when I feel the presence of another person in the doorway, probably Gibbs.   
“When you make a deal with a demon, they come to collect, and it ain’t pretty getting dragged to hell” I tell her truthfully.   
I don’t know why I keep telling them the truth when they ask me things, but I think it’s largely in part to the fact that I never got to tell anyone before, me and Sam were never around other hunters, obviously can’t tell people who don’t know, and I never told Sam because I didn’t want him to think I was broken. No matter how broken I really was, I didn’t want Sam to know, because then he would give me these pitying looks, and he would ask me if I was okay a thousand times, and he would try and make me take a break from hunting. But I didn’t want that, I wanted to keep hunting, I wanted to tell someone what the fuck was wrong with me and then leave, not have to get the looks of pity, of sadness, I just wanted to go on with my life. So I never did tell anyone, but these people I can tell, they know about the supernatural, they aren’t actually a part of my life, and when they figure out how to clear my name, i’m leaving, and i’m not looking back.   
I’m pulled out my my musings when the goth asks me another question.   
“How did you survive something like that? If you were dragged to hell, wouldn’t you still be in hell, Tony told us that’s how demon deals work, you make a deal, 10 years later the demon comes to collect and you go to hell” she says, confusion lacing her voice.   
“That is usually how deals work, but i’m a Winchester, and we are apparently famous in the hunting world, all the demons know our names. We are the hunters who stopped the apocalypse, who put lucifer back in his cage. This wasn’t the first time Sammy died, he died a few years ago, he was stabbed through the spine, dead by the time I got to him, so I made a deal with a crossroads demon, Sammy comes back to life, in ten years she would get me instead, but knowing who I was, and wanting a Winchester in hell pronto, she gave me one year, one year with my brother before they dragged me to hell. And I made the deal, because he was my baby brother, and I would do anything for him. So in one year, they came and tore me to pieces, took my soul to hell, and 4 months later Cas pulled me out.” I told her.   
“You spent 4 months in hell?” she asks, her voice quiet and sad.   
“Time works different in hell, 4 months up here, 40 years down there” I tell her.   
She gasps and looks me in the eyes, hers brimming with tears. She suddenly stands up and comes over to my side of the table, not knowing what she was doing I stood up too.   
She just kept walking until she was pressed into my chest, hugging me. I stood there baffled for a moment until I got over my shock and hugged her back.   
From this vantage point I could see that my suspicions were correct, it was Gibbs who was in the doorway, what I didn’t expect was Tony standing there with a heartbroken expression on his face, he looked like he was in pain.   
I rested my chin on top of Abby’s head, seeing as she was a lot shorter without the platform boots she had on yesterday.   
“Morning Tony, Gibbs” I greeted   
Abby finally turned around, letting go of the grip she had around my waist, I saw the surprise on her face as she turned and saw that they were there. She wiped the tears from underneath her eyes as one fell from Tony’s, and as she went to sit down to finish her coffee, Tony turned and went into the bathroom.   
I sat back down too, looking at Gibbs, seeing as he was the only one who hadn’t had a reaction to my information. He was facing the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup, but I could see the lines of tension wrapped around his body, he wasn’t taking the news well either, but he was better at hiding it than the other two.   
As he turned around he addressed Abby.   
“I didn’t realise you were coming over this morning” he says to her  
“Oh, yeah, Tony said that I should come over so we could figure out who would keep an eye on Dean today, we already ruled out Timmy, he’s working on trying to find something to get Dean cleared on his computer, Ducky just got a new body in, and Ziva is working through the crime scene because technically we are supposed to be working this case.” she says almost all in one breath.   
“Okay, how about today you help Tim, Tony can help Ziva, and i’ll take the day off and keep an eye on Dean” he said matter of factly   
“Ok, but if we don’t figure this out today, can Dean come to the lab with me tomorrow?” she asks, hope evident in her voice.   
“Sure” he tells her. She then bounced up with a bright smile on her face,   
“Bye Dean” she says as she puts her boots on and leaves through the front door.   
She is one big ball of excitement and empathy.   
“So, what are we gonna do?” I ask Gibbs, curious  
“I haven’t decided yet” he tells me.


	8. chapter 8

When Gibbs told me that he hadn’t decided what we were gonna do today, I was stuck between nervous and excited. Excited because maybe I would get to do something, which would be a change from all of the other times i’ve been in custody, when they leave me for hours on end with nothing to do. On the other hand i’m nervous because i’m not quite sure what Gibbs wants from me, I know that Tony is floundering, the goth wants to be my friend, the geek is scared of me, and the old doctor wants to give me an exam because of the previously broken ribs.  
And yet I can’t quite get a read on what the other two want from me, the scary lady doesn’t seem to know how to feel about me so she has been keeping her distance. Gibbs though, I don’t know what he wants, he’s not scared of me, he doesn’t want to give me an exam, he doesn’t want to be my friend, yet at the same time he isn’t keeping his distance, he is letting me stay at his house, he let me cook and he hasn’t been hostile or particularly nice. It’s off putting, not knowing what someone wants from me, usually it’s easy, usually it’s a monster, and usually they tell me point blank what they want from me, law enforcement usually wants me behind bars forever, and regular people never get to know me enough to want anything.   
“We are going fishing” the man declared after breakfast   
“Huh?” I questioned dumbly  
“Fishing, I haven’t been in a while” he tells me while he puts out dishes in the dishwasher.   
“We leave in an hour, be ready” he tells me, then disappears. So I make my way upstairs to grab a shirt and my boots. I feel naked without any weapons on me, but i’ll have to deal for the time being.   
I haven’t been fishing in a long time, I remember taking Sammy once, when we stayed in a small town with a lake when we were younger, I thought I could teach him how to fish, he cried when he caught one because he said that it was hurting the fishie and that I had to put it back. I was planning on releasing it anyway, but Sammy’s big fat tears of sadness and empathy made me hurry the fuck up releasing the thing. After that I remember telling myself to never take him fishing again. And since we spent all of our time together, that meant I hadn’t been fishing since then either.   
2 hours later finds me and Gibbs sitting on a fishing boat in the middle of a lake, fishing.   
“Is this when you kill me and sink my body in the lake?” I ask him with a smirk.   
“Yes” he deadpans, and I am honestly surprised he went with it.   
I chuckle and cast out, letting the smoothness of the lake soothe me.   
“I brought you out here to talk, because you can’t escape” he tells me monotone   
“Um, what? You know i’ve been answering all of your questions, without putting up a fight, right?” I question him, and honestly, why would he strand me to ask me questions, I told a woman I met yesterday about the time I got sent to hell and tortured for 40 years, but he feels the need to strand me to ask questions? What the fuck?   
“I wanted to talk without anyone interrupting, without any distractions, without people showing up every 15 minutes so I never get a chance to actually ask what I want, and give you the time to answer fully” he tells me, and I can tell that he’s telling the truth   
“Alright, ask away” I tell him with a resigned sigh   
“Did your father ever beat you?” he asks straight off the bat  
“Nah, he hit me a couple times, but not consistently, and he didn’t beat me, just slapped me a few times when he was really angry, I made sure he didn’t hit Sammy though” I tell him, deciding to just go with it. It’s not like i’m sticking around long enough to have to deal with them knowing about my life, and I really should tell someone. He can be like my therapist for my fucked up life.   
“Do you think he hit Tony?” he questions, his face not changing from the stone mask it’s been.   
“No, I mean it’s possible, but he only started a couple years after Tony left, it was when he got really angry, but he wasn’t all that angry at Tony until he left, I mean they argued, but it was more yelling and releasing their frustrations at the world, than it was Dad getting real angry” I tell him   
“Did you get any help after you went to hell?” he asks  
“No” I answer plainly  
“What was it like, down there?” he asks  
“It was like, hell. It was like being held in the air by hooks through my body and having demons come and torture me, except, it never ended, and they didn’t have to listen to the body’s limits like they usually would, because it was my soul, not my body. And they could do whatever they wanted, and every day, they would ask me, do you want to come off the rack? And I would tell them no, everyday, because coming off the rack meant I would become the torturer, and I didn’t want to. It went against everything in me to say yes. So every day for 30 fucking years I got tortured by the best hell had to offer, because I was a Winchester, which means special treatment, and so I got Alastair the most, he was the worst, had the most creative ways to make it hurt, to make it hurt so goddamn much I didn’t even know what it was like to not hurt anymore. 30 years, almost longer than i’d been alive topside. The same as my entire lifespan, was spent being tortured, day in day out, no breaks, no nothing, except pain, all the time. And one day, I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t take anymore pain, I was broken. So I said yes. And my last ten years in hell, were spent torturing other people on the rack, and I enjoyed it, because it wasn’t me anymore, because I wasn’t the one being tortured anymore. And how fucked up is that?” I finish, tears welling in my eyes.   
Telling that story, it was fucking hard enough the first time around with Sammy, now i’m telling a stranger, and somehow it makes me feel better than I thought it would. I thought when I finished that story I would be faced with crippling regret, yet I felt lighter than I have in a long time.   
The next 20 minutes were spent in contemplative silence, me contemplating what the fuck else Gibbs was gonna ask me, and he was, no doubt, contemplating my time in hell.   
“How are you still here?” he asks softly  
“Huh?” I ask, not understanding   
“How are you, still here? The things that you have been through in your short lifespan, would be enough to cripple anyone, and I know that I don’t know anywhere near everything you’ve been through, but fuck, how are you still here. Your life story, it isn’t something a person should be able to go through and still be alright, and not be suffering from a mental break, how you have gone through everything you have, and not been completely crushed by the horrors that you have survived, that you are still a functioning person is fucking surprising. And you somehow stick around to continue to fight for people, you keep doing your job and ridding the world of monsters, and against all odds, not becoming one yourself.” he tells me quietly   
And he sounds awed the entire time, but I don’t understand why, why does he think it’s amazing that i’m still here, I tortured souls, for ten years and enjoyed it, and he somehow thinks that there is something good there? Now I wanna know what’s wrong with him. It was weak, what I did, I tortured souls and I enjoyed it, because I wasn’t the one suffering anymore. And continuing to do my job? That was something I had to do, if I hadn’t continued to try and save people, what would my life be? What would have been the point of Cas pulling me out if I didn’t continue to help people, to save people, and gank monsters.   
“I think you’ve had enough for today, let’s just fish” Gibbs says  
And then we drift off into silence, both of us thinking.


	9. chapter 9

When me and Gibbs got back from our impromptu fishing trip, I was emotionally drained, and went straight up to the guest room to take a nap. It wasn’t that late, but I am fucking tired, I just hope that I don’t have any nightmares, they are usually more frequent when i’ve been talking or thinking about hell. I quickly changed out of my clothes that smelled of fish, and pulled on boxers to sleep in. falling asleep quickly, I fell fast into a nightmare.   
Pain, cutting, slashing, pain, stop, please, someone, help. That was all I could think of, just make it stop, I can’t take anymore. I let out an agonising scream when they increased their efforts, having noticed that I was trying to keep my noise level to a minimum. They don’t like that, they like to hear me scream, they like to hear the pain they inflict, they get mad when you don’t make noise, they try harder.   
Pain, pain, pain, make it stop, please, make it stop. Sammy, help, please. It hurts.   
“Well well well, it’s nice to see you again Dean-o, are you ready to play?” Alistair asks with a menacing smirk.   
“No, no, no, please no.” I begged. When I first got down here, I spit scathing remarks at the demons who came to torture me. But it’s been so long, and I don’t have the energy anymore. I just want it to stop.   
“Dean! Dean! Wake up!” I heard as I was pulled from my nightmare.  
Not registering where I was, I flipped the person who was shaking me, so they were underneath me, with a kitchen knife at their throat. As I was slowly adjusting to being awake again, I shook my head a few times and looked to see who I had trapped. It was Tony.   
He was wide eyed and scared, looking up at me, I saw him wince, and quickly scrambled off of him, taking the knife with me, the knife that just broke the skin on Tony’s neck. A small trickle of blood slowly making it’s way down his throat.   
I was now wide eyed too, this hadn’t happened before, Sam always knew to wake me up from a few feet away and to give me time to adjust. That or he just turned on the radio really loud to wake me up. I started backing my way out of the room, still looking at Tony, who was still staring at me, shock written clearly across his features. I planned on going to the bathroom to get myself under control, but I was stopped when I backed into a person who was standing in the doorway.   
I spun around, holding the knife in front of me in a defensive stance, but I quickly relaxed when I saw it was just Gibbs, who had a distinctly concerned look on his face at the moment.   
“Sorry” I mumbled as I ducked past him and down the hall to the bathroom. When I had the door firmly locked behind me, I slumped to the ground and blew out a shaky breath. Shit, I hadn’t told them not to wake me up because I didn’t think anyone would come in the room. Let alone try and wake me up during a nightmare. When I finally had my breathing under control, I stood and looked in the mirror. I winced as my reflection stared back at me, dark circles under my eyes, my cheekbones standing out against the gauntness of my face, unusually pale skin, and haunted green eyes. I quickly looked away, not recognising the man looking back at me.   
I splashed some water in my face as I thought about what could have happened back there, I almost slit Tony’s throat, I almost murdered my brother. Fuck, i’m gonna have to talk with them about how to wake me up, I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone.   
I dry my face and take a few deep breaths, when I open the door, i’m surprised to see Tony there, hand raised to knock.   
“Sorry, you’ve been in there for a while” he says   
“Yeah” I respond, not sure how to break the awkward tension between us.   
I clear my throat and slide past him back to my room, when I get there I see that Gibbs left as well, sighing in relief, I flop back down on the bed and throw an arm over my eyes. Letting my body drain of the tension caused by the nightmare and the subsequent waking from the nightmare. After a few minutes of silence, I stand up and pull on jeans and a shirt and make my way downstairs.   
The sight before me is an odd one, I see the geek sitting on the couch watching t.v, and Abby sitting next to him, but the odd thing is the baby that Tony is holding, and failing at calming.   
“Come on munchkin, just, fall asleep? Please? I need you to go down for your nap. You have to take a nap otherwise you’ll be cranky” he tells the baby. I chuckle as I go down the last step.   
Tony seems to be failing miserably at making the kid take a nap, or calm down for that matter, the baby is scrunching up her face in distaste and letting out small noises of distress. Abby and the geek are just sitting on the couch with smirks, watching him fail.   
“Watcha got there Tony?” I ask him   
“Abby offered to babysit one of her friends baby’s and she is making me take care of her because I said something mean yesterday and this is payback.” he said all in one breath.   
Taking mercy on him, I walk over and hold my arms out, indicating he should give me the baby. I smile when he does so willingly, the baby is cute. I hold her facelevel with me and look at her.   
“Hello baby girl, your a cutie, you know that?” I coo at her, and i’m rewarded with an unscrunching of her face. I pull her in so that she is against my chest her head resting on my shoulder, and I start to sing to her softly.   
“Hey jude, don’t make it bad  
take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart   
Then you can start to make it better  
Hey jude, don’t be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her   
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better”   
I finish the second verse and stop my slow swaying to look at the kid on my shoulder, she is sleeping softly with a smile on her face. I let a smile onto my face as well, seeing the innocence of a baby never fails to brighten my day.   
I look up and see the staring faces of Tony, Gibbs, Abby, and the geek. I just avert my eyes and find a chair to sit in with the baby.   
“Mom and dad used to sing that to us when we couldn’t sleep” Tony said softly   
“Yeah, worked for Sammy and every other baby i’ve met too” I tell him with a smile   
“What’s her name?” I ask Abby, still speaking quietly due to the baby on my shoulder  
“Gabby, her parents were hesitant to trust a babysitter but I offered, and they desperately needed a night out, I’ve babysat for their other kid before, he’s at a sleepover tonight” she tells me with a smile   
“I didn’t think you would be good with kids” Tony says  
“No one does, hell, Sammy was surprised that I know how to take care of kids, and I raised him” I said with a sardonic chuckle   
“I’ve never seen her go down so fast” Abby tells me  
“She was already tired, add in my fantastic singing skills, and tada” I told her with a genuine smile, a rare sight these days.


	10. chapter 10

The rest of the night passed with a somewhat happy atmosphere, I learned the geeks name, so I can stop calling him the geek. The scary lady came over shortly after I got Gabby to take her nap. I like Ziva, she seems dangerous and just a little broken, and she’s pretty, but it’s obvious that Tony likes her, so i’m not gonna go there.   
Tim is pretty cool, he reminds me of Sammy, just smaller and less muscley. I would like to keep Abby forever, she is weird and funny and so fucking nice to me, she’s unique and obviously loyal, and her style is definitely out there, but it fits her personality. I still haven’t made up my mind about Gibbs yet, he and Tony obviously have a father son thing going on, but he keeps a lot to himself, i’m not sure what he is capable of, so i’m wary of him still.   
Gabby is my favorite though, when she woke up from her nap we all had dinner and then me and Gabby played with blocks on the floor while we were all talking, she would babble at me and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying but she was so happy when I nodded my head like I did understand her. She is an adorable little girl, she didn’t scream or cry, except that one time Tony talked too loud and scared her, then she climbed into my lap and cried into my shoulder for a while, Tony shut the fuck up for a while after that. But overall she was happy and bubbly, and it was a reminder of what I honestly do my job for, I do my job for the innocent, and she was the perfect reminder of that innocence that I try so hard to protect.   
I will never have a kid of my own, no matter how much I used to dream about having a family, and a ton of kids to call my own. I chose instead to protect people who have families, to protect babies and moms and dads and siblings. Sam and Tony decided to chase the dream instead, and while it turned out Sam ended up back in the business, Tony seems to have gone pretty far in life.  
And that’s what makes me so fucking angry, despite him having abandoned me, clueless in a dirty motel, the fact that here he is, free to have a wife or a husband and kids, it isn’t fair.  
I’m not the oldest, the oldest is the one who is supposed to take care of the youngest, that’s how it was for me and Sammy, I protected him with everything in me, every fibre of my being was spent trying to protect Sammy from whatever I could. And Tony was supposed to protect me, but he left, and now here he is, a life filled with endless possibilities, while here I am, in a life that will and has, ended in heartbreak and tears and pain. In a life that makes sure that I will never have a kid, or a wife, or a husband, not unless I want them to be in danger their whole lives. In a life where I should already be dead, where I am looked upon as ancient because of how long i’ve been hunting. In a life where I have the possibility of nothing, I hunt, and I drink, and I fight, and while things like Gabby make every moment of this shitty fucked up life, worth it, and while I would never change a thing, because I know how many lives i’ve saved. It shouldn’t have had to be me, it sounds so fucking selfish, I know that, but I wasn’t supposed to have to live this life, I wasn’t supposed to have to sacrifice everything I dreamed about, while everyone around me, sacrificed me, for their dreams.   
I was so goddamn proud of Sammy when he got into college, and I had known that he wanted to run like Tony had, I knew since he was a kid. He wanted out, he wanted college and a life.   
But no one ever realised that I did too, no one around me realised that I got straight A’s in school, that I only got into so much trouble because I was fighting the bully, or I was stealing because we needed food, or I was hustling because the money dad left ran out. No one realised that I was only the perfect little soldier to make dad happy, that me being the perfect little soldier made it so much easier for Sam to go out and chase his dreams, that the only reason dad didn’t break was because I was there holding him together, that the only reason Sam got into college was because I made sure he could spend hours on homework instead of training, that I took him to the library and that I was the one who made sure he didn’t go hungry, that made sure he didn’t go on his first hunt until he was 16, not 12. The one who talked dad down when he wanted to push him harder, when he wanted him out hunting at 12, when he wanted him training 6 hours a day like I was, wanted him to dropout of high school when he was old enough to take the GED.   
And Tony left, and he never answered my phone calls, and I never heard from him again. And then Sam left, and he never called me, he never sent me an email, or a text. He didn’t even return my calls, for years. And then dad left, once Sam went to college, dad decided he didn’t need to stick by me anymore, he gave me the car and sent me on my way. He would send me on hunts through phone call, and I probably saw him once a year.  
My whole family left me, they went to their own places, made their own choices, and left me in the ruins of our family, the only one left behind, with a responsibility to the family business, because everyone else was gone. Because I was the only kid left to take the responsibility, and someone had to. So I never got a childhood, I never got to make my own choices in life, I never got the choice of hunting, or of a normal life and a family. Yet now I fully embrace my life, my life filled to the brim with horrors and nightmares, this life where I get to save people. Because I never told anyone of my dreams, they all just assumed I was perfectly happy being daddy’s little soldier, that I was perfectly happy with the direction my life was going, and that direction was a lonely life and an agonising death. So now I have fully embraced it, there is no point fighting it anymore, and it feels good to save people, to rid the world of monsters. It feels good to drive alone on an empty stretch of highway with the radio blaring and the wind in my hair, it feels good to know that i’m making a positive impact on the world.   
But sitting here, being faced with the reality that I never had a choice in the matter, that I was told that this is where my life was going, and I had to adapt to loving this life, that I had to bend or break, and I chose to bend. The fact that if someone asked me right now, if I was happy with what I did with my life, I would tell them yes, because while I went through horrors no one should have to, I saved people, and everything I sacrificed, I would sacrifice all over again, because I know what other people gained from my suffering. But if anyone had asked me 20 years ago, if I wanted to be a hunter for the rest of my life, I would have told them no, I would have told them that I wanted to become an engineer, that I wanted to go to college, that I wanted to marry someone and have kids. But no one asked me.


	11. chapter 11

Tony’s POV

I let out a sigh as I thumped my head on my desk, regretting my decision immediately as pain thrummed through my skull.   
“You need to find a way to fix this Tony” Abby told me from her perch on the edge of my desk.   
“You don’t think I know that Abby? My biggest regret was leaving them, I wouldn’t have been where I am today if I hadn’t, but I never even called him, fuck, I never even checked up on them, I was a shitty brother, and it’s been so long since I even let myself think about them, since I let myself really think about what I left behind. And I knew that I hurt them when I left, we were close, we were all each other had in the way of family. And we always took care of each other, but I put myself first, knowing what I was doing to them, I put my own wants first. And I don’t know how to justify that, I don’t think that’s something that should be justified. But I want my brother back, and I want him to just stay, so that I can try and fix this, to try and get some semblance of the relationship that we once had, back. But I don’t know how to do that, I wouldn’t forgive me, why should he?” I tell her, finally voicing my thoughts.   
“Tony, sometimes you have to put yourself first. And I don’t blame you for what you did, but he does, and he is hurting so much right now. And he needs someone, I don’t want him to run off and get himself killed hunting. I’ve only known your brother a few days, but he is a good man. And he needs help right now, but we can’t lie to him forever, eventually he is going to find out that he was never actually logged into the system, and then he is going to run, and we won’t be able to find him. We may be good, but he’s better” Abby tells me, honestly written all over her features  
“Abby, I don’t know how to fix it. He opened up to you and Gibbs, but the only thing he shows me is anger and pain. And I don’t know how to work with that.” I tell her, desperation dripping from my words   
“You haven’t even tried talking to him Tony! I know that you don’t know how to fix it, but it’s been 2 days, and you haven’t even tried to hold a conversation with him. Maybe he would talk with you if you tried first.” she tells me   
“I’m scheduled to be there tomorrow, i’ll try and talk to him” I say solemnly 

Dean Winchester POV

I stare passively at the man sitting across from me, who just fidgets in his seat.   
“Your scared of me” I state   
“Your intimidating” he tells me   
“I’m not going to do anything to you, I have no reason to, and you weren’t this wary last night” I say  
“Everyone was here last night, you didn’t pose a large threat to me then. Also you were a lot less intimidating when you were making faces at a baby. Now however, we are the only two in the house, and Gibbs won’t be back for another few hours” he says  
“Wanna hear a secret” I ask him with a smirk on my face  
He just raises his eyebrow  
“I won’t leave here without my car, she’s the only home i’ve ever truly had” I tell him   
“You never had a house?” he questions in disbelief  
“Up until I was 4 I had a house, but then it burned to the ground with my mother inside” I say  
I see a flash of sympathy flit across his face, but it’s covered soon enough.   
“So you lived out of your car after that?” he questions  
“Nah, mostly shitty motels, we stayed with a few friends over the years, but the majority of my childhood was spent in that car, we travelled cross-country and back more times than I can count, countless hours spent in that car. Most of my good memories were made in that car, she’s home” I say with a fond smile on my face  
When Tim doesn’t say anything after that I go upstairs to the guest room and dig in my bag for the bottle of whiskey I had stashed there, when I come back downstairs I detour to the kitchen for 2 glasses and then go back to my couch. I pour myself a generous glass and offer one to Tim, who declines, a slightly worried look on his face.   
“Why do you have whiskey?” he asks   
“My baby brother died 2 weeks ago, and you guys keep bringing up the shittiest highlights of my life, not saying that it isn’t, therapeutic, but I think I deserve a drink” I tell him   
“Don’t worry Timmy, i’m old enough to drink” I tell him with a grin before downing the whole glass of whiskey. I pour myself another but drink it slower this time around.   
A few minutes later and I have convinced Tim to play poker with me. And 2 hours later and i’m on my 4th glass of whiskey and have convinced Tim that I suck at poker, which is when I pour my 5th glass and proceed to clear him out. When I see the shocked look on his face I burst out laughing and continue laughing until my ribs hurt and I can’t catch my breath.   
“Maybe you shouldn’t drink anymore?” Tim suggests as he goes to grab my bottle   
“I’m an adult, I can drink however much I want” I tell him, only slurring my words a little  
I chuckle as I pour my 6th glass and dance away from Tim, the bottle clutched tightly in my fist.   
“Come on Dean, you’re drunk” Tim says, exasperated   
“No i’m not” I slur slightly   
“Yes you are, come on, you should go lay down” he tries again   
I down my sixth, and go to pour my seventh glass when the front door opens to Gibbs, Abby, and Tony.   
They take one look at me and then all shoot an accusing look at Tim, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights, which makes me laugh again.   
“I’m not drunk” I tell them, making a concentrated effort to not slur, and I didn’t do too bad, but judging from the looks on their faces, I can tell they don’t believe me.   
“Where did he get the whiskey Tim?” Abby asks  
“The guest room, i’m guessing it was in his bag” Tim says sheepishly   
“How much has he had?” Tony asks Tim, completely ignoring me  
“Um, I think that would be seven, I tried to take the bottle from him at 5, but he took it from me and won’t give it back” Tim says  
“Jesus, alright” Tony says as he approaches me, I see him coming, but he was in front of me a lot faster than I was anticipating and took the bottle and the empty glass from me, empty because I had downed the liquor while they were talking about me.   
“Come on Dean” Gibbs says as he takes a hold of my arm and starts to lead me up the stairs.   
“M’not tired” I tell him as he gently pushed me down onto my bed, but i’m proven wrong when I fall asleep moments later.


	12. chapter 12

I groaned as I opened my eyes, the sunlight peeking through the curtains blinding me. I sat up and saw the advil and water on the bedside table, silently thanking whoever left it there I quickly swallowed it and sat on the bed for a few moments, adjusting to being upright.   
When the piercing pain in my head finally dulled to a dull thumping I got up and descended the stairs. Everyone was in the living room when I got down there, I smiled at Abby and avoided looking at Gibbs, the way he acts, I don’t think he will be all that approving of my drinking habits.   
“Dean” he greets from his spot next to Abby   
“Hey Gibbs, where is the whiskey? I think I left it down here when you made me take a nap” I tell him, having already constructed my mask of casual indifference and cocky happiness, because even though I decided that they would be my makeshift therapists, old habits die hard.   
“I threw it away, I won’t tolerate behavior like that in my house, don’t let it happen again” he tells me, putting me immediately on defense. He isn’t my father, he has no control over me, he can’t tell me what to do.   
“It will happen again, and again, and again. It has been happening since I was 14 years old and it will continue to happen as long as I want it to. You can’t tell me what to do, you can’t tell me how much to drink, and you can’t tell me how to live my life” I spit at him.   
I know deep down that he is trying to help me, but i’m angry, because I haven’t had a peaceful night’s sleep since before I went to hell, and even then it was hit or miss. Because my brother is dead and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, because i’m stuck here, in the same town as my older brother, and I don’t want to be. Because I haven’t been hunting in days and I need something to take my mind off everything, and now he’s trying to tell me that I can’t drink, and that is my only other option for removing myself from the clusterfuck that is my life for a while.   
“I can tell you what to do while you are living under my roof, my house, my rules” Gibbs tells me, his blue eyes hinting at the anger he is hiding.   
“I never wanted to be here, in your house. I wanted to be as far away from him as I can get, and you won’t let me leave. I know that I wasn’t logged into the system, i’ve been arrested so many times it might surprise you, I know that you have no plausible reason for keeping me here, and you know that the only reason that I haven’t left is because your keeping my car hostage. It might be your house, your rules, but I didn’t exactly consent to living in your house under your rules. I’m a grown up, in case you hadn’t noticed, i’ve been responsible for making my own choices since I was 12, so don’t try and act like you have any sort of authority over me, you don’t” I growled at him  
“I don’t care that you have been making your own choices since you were 12, I will not tolerate you drinking in my house, and while we still have your car, your right, you aren’t going anywhere. So suck it up and get comfortable” he told me, now standing and facing me   
“What are you going to do to stop me? You gonna handcuff me to the radiator? Put me in a cell? Lock me in a room? Anything you try to do, I can get out of. It isn’t worth the time or the effort, why don’t you commit yourself to a more worthwhile cause, huh? Just let me leave, I don’t want to fucking be here, I never wanted to be here. I want you people to leave me the fuck alone so I can go do my job, we can part ways and never think of each other ever again, just give me my fucking car and let me leave.” I say   
“No Dean, we aren’t going to leave you alone, you need help, have you looked at yourself, we’ve only known you for 3 days and your falling apart before our eyes! You have nightmares every night and you don’t know where you are when you wake up, you just had seven glasses of whiskey at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, and you are constantly on guard. Your breaking apart and you need help, stop trying to push us away!” Abby yelled at me, at some point during her rant she had stood up and was now standing chest to chest with me, or really, chest to face.   
“You think this is the first time i’ve broken? You think this is my worst? No one helped me then and I don’t need help now. I’ve broken apart and put myself together again more times than I can count, I don’t need your help to do it, and I sure as shit don’t need the man responsible for so much of my pain to see me break, and I don’t want him here to help because if he wanted to help me he wouldn’t have broken me the first time around. If he wanted to help me, maybe he would have answered the fucking phone. I know he never answered because he thought that if I ever asked him to come back he would never be able to leave again, Sammy said the same thing when he left. But did he ever think that maybe I wouldn’t have asked him to come back, that maybe I knew how much he wanted out, just like Sammy did, and that I would have supported him. That maybe if he answered the phone, he could have answered my questions when I didn’t know how to turn the stove on, or how to do laundry, or what to do when I ran out of money, because when I called him, it wasn’t to ask him to come back, it was to ask a fucking question like whether or not to take Sam to a hospital even though dad told us to never go to the hospital. But I had to make those calls on my own, and I was never going to ask him to come back, because I knew how much he needed to get away.” I told her, my chest heaving. I was all out of fighting right now, I’m so fucking tired.   
“Listen, I know that you guys just want to help me, but I don’t need or want your help, i’ve been just fine without any help for a long time, and I am so goddamn tired of fighting, so can you please just leave me the hell alone?” I asked, and upon hearing no objections from anyone in the room, I turned and went back up to the guest room.


	13. chapter 13

I sighed as I heard the door click closed behind me, I slowly slid down it to sit on the floor, I hadn’t planned on fighting with them, but they had no right to tell me what to do. I just want to leave, I want to leave and go find a hunt, I want to lose myself in the puzzle, in the complexities of trying to find the pattern, of trying to figure out what is commiting the crimes and then figuring out how to kill it. That, and drinking, have been my escape’s for my whole life, Sammy’s escape was reading and filling his brain with new information. Everyone needs a way to escape their lives once in a while, it doesn’t matter how big or small your problems are to anyone else, because they are always big to you, and everyone deserves a way to find some peace.   
Now here I am, and these people just stuck me in a stressful fucking situation, and then took away all of my escapes. They are telling me that i’m not allowed to drink, i’m not allowed to hunt, and i’m fairly certain that they won’t let me fight. I don’t know what exactly they want from me, Abby told me that they want to help, but if they wanted to help me, they would let me leave.   
I’m suddenly pulled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door, I let my head fall back against it and sigh.   
“Who is it?” I call  
“It’s me” I hear Tony say   
I drop my head to my chest as I stand up and decide to let him in, I open the door and just look at him, he looks tired, and guilty, and really fucking sad. I just turn and walk to the bed and sit down, hoping he takes my cue and follows. When we are seated side by side he finally opens his mouth.   
“I-I’m so fucking sorry Dean” he says as I watch a tear slip down his face   
“Listen Tony, everyone that I have ever loved has left me, you just happen to be the first who did it voluntarily.” I tell him tiredly   
“I-I didn’t know, I didn’t know that you wouldn’t have asked me to come back, and I couldn’t stay any longer, I was going crazy, I needed to get out. And I don’t know how to forgive myself for leaving you like that, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just want you to know that it has always been my biggest regret, leaving you the way that I did” he says   
“You could have known, if you had asked me. But no one ever asked me, I knew from the time you were 16, you needed out, and so did Sam, but neither one of you ever asked me if maybe I wanted out too. I was the one who was always left with the responsibility, because you guys had dreams that you wanted to follow, but no one ever thought that maybe I did too, that maybe I was just playing the part of the loyal little soldier to dad because it was the easiest thing, because it made it easier on you and Sam, because it left you guys free to leave without him following you, because if I had chased my dreams, he would have chased you.” I told him, feeling a few tears escape my eyes.   
I waited a few moments for Tony to say anything, when he didn’t I continued.   
“It wouldn’t have been fair of me to expect you guys to see through my facade, it wouldn’t have been fair of me to expect you guys to read me as well as I could read you, but it was fair of me to expect that one of you would have at one point in my life, asked me what I wanted to do, to ask me if I was happy with where my life was going, because if either of you had asked, I would have told you the truth, I would have told you that I wanted to be an engineer, and I wanted to go to college and marry someone, and I wanted to have kids. I would have told you that I dreamed of a life outside of hunting for a long time, but no one asked, and I let go of that dream a long time ago.” I tell him, and I can hear the sadness that had creeped into my voice.   
“I am so sorry Dean, I never wanted to hurt you, since mom died when I was 10, I was in charge of protecting you and Sam, I was in charge of protecting you from physical threats and emotional ones, I was supposed to be the big brother, I was supposed to be there for you when you needed me, I know that I failed, and I played a huge part in your life being the fucked up mess that it is now, and I don’t know how to tell you how much I wish I could take it back. If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t be where I am today, but neither would you, and if I could take it all back, I would” he tells me, trying to catch my eye   
“But you can’t T, you can’t take it back. There is nothing that you can do to take it back, and I was so angry with you for a long time, but you can’t take it back, and there is no way to fix what you did. So I might not be angry at you anymore, but I just, I can’t, I can not forgive you for the part you played in bringing me to this point in my life” I tell him truthfully   
“I understand, um, maybe one day we can, I don’t know, m-maybe one day we can both forgive me?” he asks hesitantly  
“Yeah, maybe one day” I concede a small smile on my face  
As we both lapse into silence I lean over and bump shoulders with him, making a small smile appear on his face as well.


	14. chapter 14

After Tony left I sat on my bed thinking about what has gone down over the last few days, after a while I realise that I probably owe Abby and Gibbs an apology, even though they took all of my coping mechanisms away, it’s not like they knew that, and they were just trying to help me.   
I slowly roll off the side of the bed and stand up, as I walk out of the room I can hear the low sound of voices from downstairs, I walk down the stairs and into the living room where they are all still seated, they all quiet down when I walk into the room   
“Hey, um, can I talk to you for a minute Abby?” I ask, slightly nervous  
“Sure” she says as she gets up and follows me into the kitchen   
I take a moment to gather my thoughts and then I turn around and face her  
“I’m sorry, for yelling at you earlier, it wasn’t your fault I was angry and you didn’t deserve that, so i’m sorry” I tell her   
“Your forgiven, for yelling at me. What you aren’t forgiven for, is telling us to find a more worthy cause, I haven’t known you all that long Dean Winchester, but you are a good man, you saved the world, and the people in it, which is something that not a lot of people have on their resumes. Even if you hadn’t, you raised your baby brother, and your smart, and your sweet, and you are so willing to sacrifice everything that you are, for someone else’s happiness. You deserve more than your lot in life, and even though none of us can go back and change what happened, you deserve a better, brighter future, you deserve happiness” she tells me, her words strong and sure  
“But why? Why do you want to help me? I’m a fuck up, sure I saved the world, but i’m the one who started the fucking apocalypse in the first place. I raised Sammy because I love him, and no one else was there to do it. I sacrifice everything, because it’s worth it, because it’s my fucking job, it’s what I was raised to do, since I was a kid, take care of Sammy, and kill monsters. That is my life, it isn’t anything special, if I wasn’t here to do my job, someone else would be.” I tell her   
“No, it is special, because you sacrificed everything for your family, for the world, and you got nothing in return, you got your brother taken from you, you got a car for a home, you got a father who didn’t give a shit about you, you got scars on top of scars, you got a shit hand in life, and you still came out the other side a good fucking person, the fact that you still function, is amazing to me, I can’t imagine going through what you did, and coming out the other side a functioning, good person, and then decide to go back to saving people every day. Because after what you did, stopping the apocalypse, going to hell, you would have had every right to quit, every right to say fuck it and find normal somewhere.” Abby tells me vehemently   
“I can’t quit, I save people, and I hunt things, and that is what I do, that is what gets me through to tomorrow, knowing that i’m still living, because there are still people for me to save” I tell her quietly, hoping that she just agrees to disagree.   
She drops her head, apparently not willing to debate this with me right now and gives me a quick hug as she leaves the kitchen.   
I poke my head out of the kitchen to ask Gibbs if I can talk with him, only to see everyone looking at me, guess they heard our conversation then.   
I just avert my eyes from theirs   
“Hey Gibbs, can I talk to you for a sec?” I ask him   
He just nods and gets up, walking past me into the kitchen.   
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you, and since I am living here for the moment, I won’t drink in your house, your right, they are your rules for your house, and I should have realised that” I tell him, hoping he doesn’t catch onto the fact that I said I wouldn’t drink in his house, that doesn’t mean I can’t go to a bar and get drunk.   
He just narrows his eyes at me, I take that to mean he did catch onto the double meaning of my words, but he just looks at me through his narrowed eyes for a moment longer  
“Never say your sorry, it’s a sign of weakness” he tells me simply  
I just chuckle, happy knowing that at least I apologised. I just shoot him a genuine smile and walk past him back into the living room, making the decision to sit in the empty spot next to Tony on the couch, making him smile as we bumped shoulders on my way down.   
Immediately after sitting down Cas pops out of nowhere looking as grumpy as ever  
“Hello Dean” he says in his standard greeting  
“Hey Cas, what’s up?” I ask curiously   
“There is a hunt in Alabama, I believe it is a wendigo, you told me to tell you if I happened across any monsters” he tells me   
“Thanks Cas, i’ll let Bobby know” I tell him   
He pops away before I can ask him anything else   
“Bye” I say to thin air, shaking my head in fond amusement   
“Does he always do that? Just pop up and then leave?” Tony asks   
“Yeah, he just pops up and then disappears, almost made me crash the car a few times, he doesn’t seem to understand that a little warning would be nice” I tell him   
“Hm, are all angels like that?” Ducky asks from his position on the couch across from us  
“Hell no, most angels are absolute fucking dicks, one gave me stomach cancer while they were trying to convince me to say yes to Michael, total fucking dick” I tell them bitterly   
“Wait? He gave you stomach cancer? How is that even, what, why?” Tony asks   
“Because stomach cancer fucking hurts, thats why, improvised form of torture” I tell him   
“I thought that angels were supposed to protect, to guide, not torture” Tim says   
“You might have missed the part where I said that they wanted to start the apocalypse? They don’t care much for human casualties, besides, they are warriors, not fluffy happy little angels who sit on clouds and play the harp, I had to learn that the hard way” I tell Tim  
“Warriors?” I hear Gibbs ask  
“Yeah, they are warriors for god, they fight in wars and they carry out god’s word, and if his word is to kill, they kill, they were made to follow orders. It took Cas quite a while to warm up to the whole Team Free Will thing” I say   
“Team Free Will?” Abby asks  
“Oh, that was our team, we were fighting for Free Will, so we were Team Free Will, an angel, 2 hunters, an archangel and the king of hell.” I say with a smile on my face, a fake smile, but a smile nonetheless.


	15. chapter 15

I lay in silence as I stared up at my ceiling, the darkness that surrounded me was comforting, it always was, the darkness was where I lived, where I thrived. I worked predominantly in the dark, and it was in the dark that I feel the most at home, at peace. I already know about everything that lurks in the darkness, and how to kill it, the monsters have become increasingly more afraid of me than I am of them.   
I let out a sigh as I silently make my way to my feet, collecting the bag that has been packed and under the bed since I got here. I look around the room that holds more possibility than anywhere i’ve ever been before. This room holds the possibility of me mending my relationship with my brother, it holds the possibility of me making a normal life for myself, it holds the possibility of making a real home, for the first time since I was 4 years old. But all of that possibility was destroyed with one phone call…   
I smiled as I took a sip of the water in my hand, wishing it was a beer. It was alright though, I apologised to Abby and Gibbs and now i’m hanging out with the rest of their team, we have all been telling stories about cases we have been on, mine are always the craziest, me and Tony just finished telling the story of the first hunt that we went on together, and how much of a disaster it was. Abby started telling us the story of her first case with NCIS when Gibbs phone rings, he answers it and then hands it to me, telling me that I can go into the kitchen to talk to Bobby. Happy at the newfound trust that Gibbs has seemingly gained for me, I tell them i’ll only be a minute before sauntering into the kitchen.   
“Hey Bobby” I greet with a happy lilt to my voice   
“Dean” he says, his voice rough with emotion, and I immediately know something is wrong.   
“What is it Bobby?” I ask, all traces of joy gone, replaced by worry.   
“It’s Lisa and Ben” he says  
“What about them?” I ask, worry flooding through me with the force of a hurricane.   
“Lisa went missing, she was taken from her house while Ben was there, he called the number you left in case they ever needed your kind of help again. He said that it was a man with black eyes who took his mom, and he told Ben that he was looking for Dean Winchester. I know you said that you were caught up with your brother and the feds, but this seemed like something you would want to know about, and the kid called looking for you.” Bobby said   
“Yeah, of course I want to know, thank you for telling me Bobby. I um, I have to go, but i’ll be heading up there soon.” I said, my voice getting a little caught in my throat when I thought of the woman that I could see myself loving being hurt by demons, because of me.   
“Alright, you take care of yourself Dean, and keep my posted on the situation” he tells me  
“I will” I say before I hang up   
I take a moment to compose myself and put up my mask before I turn around and make my way back to the living room.   
“What did he want?” Tony asks curiously when I walk into the room  
“Standard checkup, he has something to do tonight so he called early to make sure i’m not dead in a ditch somewhere” I tell them with a fake smirk on my face.   
None of them seem to be paying enough attention to realise it though.   
“Ok” Gibbs says as I hand him the phone back   
The rest of the night is spent with me trying to enjoy the limited time that I will get to spend with these people who have impacted my life in such a small amount of time. I try to put what I need to do tonight out of my mind and just enjoy their company, which is a lot harder than it seems, it all goes by way to fast for my liking and then they are saying goodbye, and i’m making my way up to my room for the night.   
I shake my head as I clear the memories of tonight out of my head, I listen one last time for any footstoes that could be coming my way, hearing nothing I finish opening the window that I oiled a few hours earlier so it wouldn’t squeak. I try not to linger on the consequences of me leaving these people, and my car behind, while I slip out the window and silently drop the two stories to the ground, bending my knees and rolling as I hit the grass. I walk on quiet feet as I make my way to the end of the driveway with my duffel bag slung over my shoulder. Not looking back as I walk down the street, my destination is the wal-mart a few miles away, where it should be easy enough to boost a car.   
When I finally make it, only looking over my shoulder every few minutes to make sure that no one was following me, I found an unassuming dark blue toyota that will fit my needs perfectly.   
I quickly picked the lock and then hotwired it, taking a look around to make sure that there were no security cameras, or people lurking around that I missed in my initial sweep. Seeing that my getaway would be clean, I turned on the radio and pulled out of the parking lot, onto the highway, and away from the only people that could have had a real chance at helping me.


	16. chapter 16

I sucked in a deep breath as I pulled into the driveway of Lisa’s house, Ben’s aunt had come down to take care of him when they heard that Lisa was taken. I opened my door and climbed out of the unfamiliar car before walking up to the door, I had my hand up to knock when it was opened before I could.   
“Dean!” Ben said excitedly, he quickly darted in for a hug before pulling away.   
“Ben! I told you not to answer the door! You scared me half to death” a woman said while rushing down the stairs to scold him. She must be his aunt.   
“It’s just Dean, I called him, he’s here to help” Ben told her  
“Your aunt’s right Ben, your lucky it was just me, you shouldn’t be answering the door, especially not with what’s happened” I told him sternly   
“And what would you know about what’s happened?” the woman asked me accusingly   
“A lot actually” I told her as I flipped open my fake FBI badge  
“Agent Bonham, me and Lisa knew each other way back when, I came and helped out when Ben here got kidnapped” I tell her as I card my hand through Ben’s hair fondly   
“He trusts me, so when his mom got taken he called me asking for help” I tell her   
“I apologise Agent Bonham, but you can’t exactly fault me for being cautious, with everything that’s happened the last few days, i’m a little bit on edge” she tells me with a forced smile   
“It’s quite alright…” I say, fishing for a name   
“Oh, um, Karen Braeden” she tells me, blushing   
“Well Karen, it is very understandable, and I am sorry for what’s happened to your sister, I got put on this case because Ben asked me to, and I care about Lisa. I am going to do my best to find her, I thought that I should stop by and have a talk with Ben about what he saw though, if that’s alright?” I ask as I move my gaze from Ben to his aunt, my eyebrows raised in question.   
“The cops already asked him questions, can’t you just go off of those?” Karen asks me   
“Hearing it from him is a much better source to go off of, and I might have some different questions than they did” I tell her   
She just nods before seeming to remember that we are all standing outside on the porch.   
“Why don’t we all go inside for this?” she says   
I tilt my head in a ‘lead the way’ gesture as she opens the door and ushers us in.   
The house looks the same as it did when I was here last, it’s clean and cozy. There are pictures of Lisa and Ben on the walls and light blue walls to complement the big sectional couch in the living room.   
I follow suit and sit down on the couch next to Ben, waiting until his aunt goes into the kitchen to make us some coffee before asking him a few real questions.   
“The man that took your mom, he had black eyes?” I ask him quietly   
“Yeah, they flashed black when he was trying to grab my mom, then they stayed that way when she hit him on the head with her keys” he tells me, using the same quite tone that I am.   
“Did he say anything weird or out of place?” I ask him next  
“He said that he was looking for Dean Winchester, when she told him that you weren’t here, he flipped out and called her a liar, that’s when he took her her” he says, starting to get a little choked up at the memory.   
“One last question bud, where was she when he took her?” I ask, because he shouldn’t have been able to get in the house, I saw the edge of the devils trap under the rug just inside the door. It should still be intact from when I left it there last time.   
“On the porch, she was supposed to take me to soccer practice when she saw the dude walking down the street, told me she had a weird feeling and pushed me back inside, told me to stay and closed the door, the guy came up and asked her some questions about joining a church, then he asked about you, that’s when he got angry and took her, I was watching from the window in the dining room, it was over so fast” he tells me,   
“You gotta believe me Dean, I tried to save her, but by the time I got to the door they were already pulling away, I called the police and then I called you” he tells me, looking like he desperately wants me to believe him, gripping my sleeve like it’s a lifeline.   
“I believe you bud, you did the right thing, staying like your mom told you to. Even if you did get there in time, they would have just taken you too, and no one would have ever called me to find you guys” I tell him honestly, hoping he believes me.   
“You really think?” he asks me   
“Yeah I do Ben, you did the right thing” I tell him again.   
A few moments later his aunt walks into the room with the coffee apologising about the wait, she had to brew a new pot. After that I asked normal cop questions like what the guy looked like and what he was wearing before taking my leave a while later.   
I was filled with a new sense of determination after seeing Ben, I turned up the music in the shitty not-baby car that I had lifted before speeding off to the motel to make some calls about who might be out for my blood, and about who would be bold enough to go after Lisa to get to me.


	17. chapter 17

Tony’s POV 

I let the smile slide onto my face as I thought about what my job for today was, I am on Dean duty. I have to go keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t make a run for it while Gibbs is at work, i’m looking forward to getting to know my brother a little better today. So far almost all of the time that i’ve had with Dean has been spent with the rest of the team too, I haven’t had a chance to ask the questions that I want to, like how dad died, or what Sammy was like as a grown up.   
I called out for Gibbs as I walked through his front door, he answered me a few moments later, the noise coming from the kitchen.   
He just looked up at me over his cup of coffee as I walked in and uttered a cheery good morning.   
“Where’s Dean?” I ask him when he doesn’t respond to my greeting.   
“Upstairs, probably sleeping off his hangover from yesterday” GIbbs remarks   
I just nod as I turn around and make my way upstairs to wake him up, when I get to his room I knock, when he doesn’t answer I open the door, only to see that his bed is already made.   
Frowning I make my way down the hallway to see if he’s in the bathroom, only to find it empty. Picking up my pace, I speed back to his room, I open the closet, finding it empty isn’t a surprise, I didn’t think Dean would have unpacked.   
I go to the bed and drop to my knees, the sight before me draws a string of curse words out of my mouth. His bag is gone, he didn’t leave anything behind, he left.   
I jog down the stairs and into the kitchen, Gibbs puts his coffee down when he sees the look on my face.   
“He left, his bag is gone” I tell him hurriedly.   
“Shit” Gibbs exclaims before pulling out his phone and calling Ziva, getting the hint I pull out my phone and call Mcgeek.   
30 minutes later and we are all gathered in the kitchen at Gibbs house, brainstorming why he would have left and how to find him.   
Gibbs tells us to go up to his room to see if he left anything behind that would give us a clue as to where he was going.   
A few minutes later and we are all rifling through bathroom cabinets and under the mattress in his room.   
“I got something” Ziva calls from the guest room   
“He left it in the bedside table” she says before handing it to me, seeing it’s a note I start reading aloud.   
“Dear Tony’s team, sorry I had to leave, something came up. My job will always come first, i’ll be back for my car though, and I don’t want to find a scratch on her when I get back. Dean” I read off a small smile finding its way onto my face.   
“Abby, Mcgee, I want you to see if you can find him on traffic cameras leaving the neighborhood. Ziva, Tony, you two are with me, we are going to be calling Bobby to see if he can give us any information” Gibbs ordered.   
“What do you mean boss? He said he’s coming back for his car” I tell him, confused  
“And it might just be a ploy to buy himself more time, the faster we find him, the better” Gibbs tells me sternly, I just nod and follow him downstairs, Ziva following me. 

Dean POV 

I stuffed the last few fries into my mouth as I rounded the corner and entered the small store. I picked up a few food items and a case of beer before I made my way to the front of the store and bought what I actually came here for, the disposable cell phone.   
With the 2 bags of groceries in hand I make my way back out to the shitty car and start opening the phone, I plug in Bobby’s number before calling it.   
“Hey Bobby, I just finished talking with Ben, he said it was a man with black eyes who took his mom, and he was looking for me.” I tell him right off the bat  
“Balls! At least now you know what you’re looking for, although you might wanna call your angel friend in for this one Dean, there doesn’t seem to be a lot for you to work with at the moment” Bobby tells me   
“Yeah, I know, I was gonna call him in when I get back to the motel, I just wanted to check in and see if Tony or Gibb’s have called you yet” I ask him   
“Yeah, a few hours ago Gibbs called, he was fishing for info on where you might be, told me you left them a note saying you would be coming back for your car?” Bobby says, sounding a little disbelieving   
“Yeah, like hell i’m leaving baby with the fucking cops. Besides, I hadn’t planned on leaving quite that soon anyway. I know that you told me to get out as soon as I could, but Bobby, besides you, Tony’s the only family I got anymore, and even though he left, sometimes you need all the family you can get.” I tell him as I drive the few minutes back to the motel.   
“I hear you Dean, i’m just saying, I think you should be a little more careful around the cops” Bobby tells me   
“I’ll call you back later Bobby, i’ve got to call Cas” I tell him, deliberately not responding to his comment.   
“Just take care of yourself kid, your all the family I got left either” Bobby says as he hangs up.   
I let out a steadying breath as I walk into my motel room, I set the bags down on the table and slide the phone in my pocket, quickly bowing my head I say a quick prayer to Cas, hoping he isn’t busy.   
I hear a light fluttering behind me as I turn and open my eyes.   
“You called?” Cas greets   
“Yeah, I need some help tracking down a demon” I tell him   
“Okay, do you know who the demon is?” Cas asks me   
“Nope, he’s looking for me though, I was hoping you could poke around and figure out who in particular has a grudge against me lately” I tell him   
He just looks at me before disappearing, I take that as a yes. Letting out a breath I didn’t realise I had been holding, I sit down at the table, pulling up the laptop I had lifted off of someone during my travels, I start my own research, glad to have someone else helping me again.


	18. chapter 18

Dean’s POV 

I let out a sigh as I straighten my back and rub my bloodshot eyes, I have been staring at this computer for hours with no luck, I just hope Cas can figure out who the hell was willing to go after Lisa to get to me.   
I get up for the first time in 3 hours and grab a beer from the fridge, letting the cool liquid calm me as it slides down my throat. I’m startled out of my spaced out state when my phone starts ringing on the table, I quickly stride over and pick it up.   
“Yeah Bobby?” I say in place of a greeting.   
“Hello to you to” he grumbles   
“Hello Bobby, now, what do you need?” I ask impatiently   
“I want to tell you that your cop friends called again, they aren’t willing to leave me alone until I tell them something, so what should I tell them?” he questions   
“Shit, sorry you got roped into this Bobby, i’ll take care of it” I tell him sincerely   
“Check in is tonight, otherwise i’m coming up there, you hear?” Bobby says, and it’s as close to an admission of love that i’ll ever get.   
“I hear ya Bobby, bye” I say as I hang up the phone.   
I rifle through the numbers that I have memorised before I get to Gibb’s number, taking a deep breath I flip the phone open again, punching in the numbers, I hold my breath as I wait for him to answer.   
“Gibbs” he says curtly   
“Hiya Gibb’s, ya miss me?” I say cheekily, with false cheeriness seeping through the phone.   
“Dean” he practically growls.   
“You guys can stop calling Bobby, he doesn’t know where I am, he thought it was good for me to stay with you anyway. He’s getting a little pissy that you keep calling him though, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t annoy him” I tell him, keeping my voice upbeat and high.   
“Why did you run Dean?” he asks me, completely ignoring my previous request   
“Because, someone I care for was taken because of me, when I find them, i’ll see what I can do about making my way back. I can’t very well leave my baby in the hands of the government” I tell him truthfully   
“And you could be lying to me, we’ll be looking for you Dean” he says ominously   
“I’ve got to go Gibbs, give Tony my best” I tell him as I hang up, turning to Cas who popped in for the tail end of our conversation.   
“What do you have?” I ask him.   
“Who were you speaking with?” he asks back.   
“Nobody, now, I would appreciate it if you would tell me what you got?” I ask him again.   
“It took me a while, but I have a name. Naberius, he is a demon who you ‘worked with’ in hell, I had to do some digging, but I found out that you tortured him, he was in trouble and was put on a specific portion of the rack that is used for demons who step out of line. You were the one who was assigned to him more than any other, and he remembers you. I also have a location” Cas tells me.   
“Alright, give me the address, i’ll meet you there” I tell him absently, trying to process the information.   
A few minutes later i’m flying down the road, pushing all thought’s of hell from my head in favor of thinking about finding Lisa and making sure she’s alright.   
When I finally pull up to the abandoned warehouse (of course) my head is clear and my hands are steady, I see Cas pop in beside the car as I round the back, not saying a word I grab Ruby’s knife and a flask of holy water, I make sure my gun is loaded before walking on silent feet toward the door.   
“Dean, what’s the plan?” Cas asks right before I pull open the door.   
“We find Lisa, and we kill the son of a bitch who took her” I tell him, my voice only betraying a small amount of the anger that’s been building in my chest since I heard she was taken.   
Apparently sensing my anger over this entire situation, Cas just nods his head, a slightly questioning look on his face.   
I have the knife held in front of me as I walk through the warehouse, listening for anything that would help me figure out where Lisa was being held, the good thing about warehouses though, is that they are fairly open, and it doesn’t take me long to hear voices.   
I walk a little closer then strain my ears, trying to hear what is being said before I bust in, guns blazing.   
“What if he doesn’t show up?” I hear a woman ask   
“He will, he cares too much, he won’t be able to resist saving her” a man, presumably Naberius, says.   
I peek my head around the corner to see Lisa tied up, gagged, and laying in a cage, on the bright side she seems to be awake, and for the most part, unharmed.   
I look around, finally spotting Naberius, my eyes widen, I recognise him, I hadn’t recognised the name, but he was the demon that they trained me on, he is the one that I learned to torture on, and he was the one I hurt the most, for the longest.   
Next to him is a beautiful woman in a green flowing dress, she has her arm threaded through his, and she is looking down on Lisa with a look of distaste on her face.   
“The captive is starting to smell dear, can’t you hurry this up?” the woman whines   
“He will be here soon darling, don’t you worry. Isn’t that right Dean?” he calls out, his voice raising to a shout at the end.   
I quickly signal for Cas to stay back while I plaster a grin on my face and walk out from behind the shelf I was behind.   
“Hello Naberius, wanna introduce me to your girl?” I ask.   
“Dean Winchester, it’s about time you showed up” he growls, his eyes flashing black.   
“You know, you could have just called, no need to go through all the trouble of kidnapping her” I tell him   
“Where’s the fun in that?” he asks with a creepy smile on his face   
I start saying the beginning of an exorcism, hoping to distract him long enough to go in for the kill, he doesn’t seem surprised though, he simply throws me backwards into the wall, putting an invisible chokehold on me, he stalks closer, the woman by his side.   
While they are distracted I see Cas doing what I hoped he would, he is untying Lisa and carrying her towards the door, I see him hesitate at the door and look back at me.   
“GO” I shout, needing for her to be alright, besides, i’ve already got this under control.   
Naberius looks back when I shout, but doesn’t seem to care that his captive is getting away. He looks back at me with utter contempt in his eyes, he stalks closer, but still not close enough.   
I have Ruby’s knife tucked up my jacket sleeve, all I need him to do is get close enough that I can stab him, I just hope that with his mojo pinning me to the wall I can still move my arm fast enough to stab him.   
I have been tuning out his speech on how much he’s going to make my death hurt as he walks closer to me, after another few seconds he reaches me and closes his hand around my throat, I look him in the eyes for a few seconds, letting fake fear leak to the surface, making it look like I actually fear this coward.   
When he starts squeezing my neck in earnest I take my shot, I tear my arm free and bury Ruby’s knife deep in his chest, I watch as his skeleton flickers red before his shocked form crumples to the ground.   
The woman next to him screams out her grief, but the piercing sound only lasts for a few seconds before her face contorts in rage, I don’t have time to react before she tears the necklace off of her neck and shatters it over my head, I feel the cool liquid trail over my face before everything goes black.


	19. chapter 19

Dean Winchester POV 

A groan slipped past my lips as I groggily opened my eyes, blinking a few times to get my vision clear. Before I moved I did a mental calculation of my body, checking myself over for injuries, when no serious injuries were present, that I could feel, I slowly pulled my body off the ground and leveraged myself into a standing position. When I finally got myself upright I was faced with a confusing situation, my clothes were so big they were practically falling off my body.  
“What the FUCK?” I blurted out, jumping slightly as my voice came out higher than it’s been in years.   
Okay, to run through the problems, i’m a whole lot shorter than I was when I was whammied, my clothes are falling off because they are too big, and my voice is way too fucking high.   
I spin around when I hear footsteps behind me.   
“Cas” I call out, my voice wigging me out.   
“Dean?” he asks worriedly as he picks up his pace   
As he gets closer to me I get a better perspective on how short I really am now, he towers over me. I’m relieved when he crouches down to bring himself to eye level with me, letting me put my head back to a normal angle.   
“Um, the witch lady hit me over the head with a necklace that had some type of liquid in it and then this happened” I tell him, my words coming out like a waterfall.   
“It seems you have been de-aged but are retaining your memory, which is rare” Cas says, mostly to himself.   
“De-aged? Since when is that a thing? How come you never told me about this being a possibility? How do we fix it?” I ask, not stopping to let him answer my questions, I would usually be calmer, but i’m also not usually in the body of six year old me.   
“It depends on the curse, and how this was meant to go. There have been cases where the person slowly deteriorates until they are mentally the same as they are physically, there are cases where this only lasts a few days before the person goes back to normal, and countless other variations, there is also whether or not there is a cure or not, some people have reported that they couldn’t figure out how to put the afflicted person back to normal and they simply relive their lives from the age that they were reversed to, and then there are cases with easy fixes, like it wears off, or you have to say a phrase in latin paired with some herbs, it all depends on the witch who cast the spell. I’ll have to do some research” Cas concludes   
“Yeah, well that’s a whole lot of if’s, and’s, and but’s, Cas, and your telling me that at any moment I could start to deteriorate until i’m mentally six years old!” I tell him heatedly   
“Just calm down Dean, I just need some time to figure this out” he tells me   
“Jesus christ, I need a fucking beer for this shit” I exclaim as I head out of the warehouse towards not-baby.   
“Dean” I hear Cas say from behind me as I open up the drivers side door.   
“What?” I say, already knowing where he’s going with this   
“You can’t drive, we will all go to jail if someone sees a six year old operating a vehicle” he points out   
I let out a huff before climbing the distance into the passenger seat, I buckle myself in and check on Lisa who is still knocked out cold in the backseat of the car.   
“Is she gonna be okay Cas?” I question the angel   
“She will be fine, she was heavily drugged and should wake up sometime in the next few hours” he states   
“Okay, let’s just drop her off at the hospital and head to Bobby’s, no way am I explaining this to Lisa and Ben, plus I think Bobby still has some of my old clothes from when me and Sammy used to stay there” I tell him.   
He just nods and a few hours later me and him are the only two left in the car. We were an hour out from Bobby’s and my newly small body wasn’t handling the night shift all that well, my eyes kept shutting by themselves and my body felt weighted down.   
The next time I was awake we were pulling into the salvage yard, I quickly rubbed my eyes and shook my head to rid it of the groggy tiredness that had overcome me.   
I made the jump from the cab of the car to the ground just as Bobby came walking out the front door.   
“I thought you were kidding when you said Dean was six” Bobby said, looking at me curiously   
“I’m not six, Bobby, I just look like it” I tell him hotly.   
“Come on inside, we can try and figure this out, the sooner the better” Bobby said before gesturing us inside.   
An hour later and I was sitting on the couch glaring at Cas and Bobby who sat across from me, wearing some of my old clothes that Bobby found in the attic.   
“I’m not really six, why can’t I have a beer” I asked for the third time, causing Bobby to sigh and look up from the book he was looking through.   
“Because Dean, you are physically six” he tells me, not for the first time.   
Two hours after that found me pounding my fists into Cas’s back, yelling at him to put me down, because for the last fucking time, I’M NOT ACTUALLY SIX.   
“Dean you could have been seriously injured” he tells me as he flips me off his shoulder and onto the couch.   
“I just wanted to work on one of the cars” I tell him   
“And if I wasn’t there the car would have crushed you!” Cas exclaims, already fed up with my boredom. It’s not my fault though, there isn’t anything to do when i’m stuck in a six year old body, nothing that I would usually do when i’m bored is available to a child.   
“That’s it Dean, me and Cas are working on fixing you and your being a pain in the ass, your going to stay with your brother while we try to find a way to fix this, he can occupy you” Bobby says.   
“NO, are you serious Bobby, this is my body, small as it is, and I should be here to help!” I argue.   
“You refuse to do research, all you have done for the last three hours is find things to get into that you aren’t supposed to” he tells me   
“I’m a fucking grown up Bobby, everything that I have tried to do in the last three hours are all things that I do all the time, this is bullshit, just because I got de-aged your treating me like i’m really six again, and i’m not” I tell him   
“I don’t care Dean, I won’t be responsible for you getting yourself killed, you won’t help, so you can go stay with people who can actually keep an eye on you” he tells me   
“I don’t need a fucking baby sitter!” I exclaim as my world goes fuzzy, suddenly i’m on my knees in Gibb’s apartment.   
“That is so fucking rude Cas” I tell the angel standing behind me.   
I stand up to see that the entire team is seated around the living room, all looking at me like i’m crazy.   
“Um, angel dude? Why did you bring a kid here?” Tony asks.   
“What you don’t recognise me Tones?” I say sassily   
I see him squint his eyes before recognition flashes across his face.   
“New question, why is Dean six?” he asks, sounding a little panicked.   
“Because a fucking witch put a spell on me, and we don’t know how long this will last, or if I will eventually act like i’m six too, and we were doing research but Bobby and Cas decided that I wasn’t useful, so they are dumping me on you. Congrats” I tell him, a grin spread across my face.   
“Behave Dean” Cas says gravely before he disappears.   
“Any chance you guys will let me have a beer?” I question, already knowing the answer.   
“No” Gibbs says   
“Why did you leave Dean?” Tony asks.   
“Someone I was close to needed my help, I helped her, and I got fucking whammied by a witch, what did you guys do?” I ask   
“We looked for you” Gibbs states  
“Here I am” I say with a sheepish smile.


	20. chapter 20

Dean Winchester POV 

I rocked back on my heels as Gibbs leaned forward, I hadn’t given my body permission to do that, but Gibb’s was a whole hell of a lot taller taller than me now that I was six again.   
“Do you have clothes?” he asks, obviously switching from whatever probing question he was going to ask me.   
“Um, yeah, i’ll call Bobby and have him let Cas know to bring me some of my old clothes, don’t know how long this will last” I tell him   
He just nodded before he turned and sat down on one of the chairs scattered across the room.   
“Oh my god! You are so cute as a kid Dean” Abby said as she hopped over to where I was still standing and dropped to her knees in front of me.   
“A lot cuter than Tony was” I say teasingly, hoping to bring my brother out of his shock-like state.   
I quickly give Abby a hug, where she gleefully hugs the living daylights out of my tiny body.   
“Need.. Air” I gasp out dramatically when she doesn’t let go after a few seconds.   
She just laughs and stands up hauling me up and onto the couch next to Tony who is still not responding to anything.   
“Fucking hell! I’m not really a kid guys, I just look like one.” I say as Abby plops down next to me.   
Startling Tony out of his daze when I punch him square in the jaw, hoping to let out some of my frustration at this dumb fuck situation.   
“What did you hit me for D?” Tony cries, outraged.   
“You were in shock and I needed to hit something” I tell him simply   
Besides, I hadn’t been training very long in this body, and I couldn’t hit with all that much force.   
“I’m sorry I picked you up Dean, you’re just too cute when your this size” Abby says sincerely   
“It’s fine, just, please don’t pick me up” I ask, in an admittedly whiney voice.   
“Got it” Abby says   
“Hey Tony?” I ask   
“Yeah” he answers distractedly   
“You alright?” I ask, concern now making it’s way into my voice   
“Yeah D, i’m fine, just you, like this, it’s a bit of a blast from the past, the last time you were like this everything was all sorts of fucked up, mom was dead, dad was still trying to figure out hunting, and he was angry and grieving, Sammy was fussy all the time, and you wouldn’t talk to anyone, no matter how much we tried to get you to, you refused to speak. It’s just like, seeing you like this, it brings back everything that happened” he says, his eyes shining with unshed tears. I don’t know what possessed me, but I started talking.   
“I forgot about that, that I didn’t talk to anyone. And your right, Sammy was fussy all the time. But it wasn’t all bad, that was the first year that we started family game night, and you taught me how to play poker with hand signals instead of words, and uh, park day! And you started taking us to the library on the weekends, and you made sure we had presents on christmas, because dad didn’t show. Then you uh, you beat up Billy Weathers because he was picking on me cause I didn’t talk, and then we got ice cream after the principal suspended us-” I was about to go on but Tony interrupted me.   
“What’s the point D?” he asks, sounding a little broken.   
“The point, is that even though it was bad, it was also good, it was the year that you realised that dad wasn’t ever going to be dad again, so you did it instead, because that’s what we needed. The point, is that even though that year sucked, you made it better, and if you’re going to focus on the past, you have to look at the good and the bad, otherwise it’s just too damn depressing.” I tell him heatedly, now kneeling next to him so we are face to face.   
Because even though this is the brother that abandoned me, he is also the brother that took care of me like our father should have, he raised me, and he always did what was best for me and Sammy. And while I might never get over the fact that he was voluntarily absent for most of my life, for every important thing that happened over the age of 12, I have to take my own advice and look at the good too. And there was a lot of good, if we didn’t have Tony my childhood would have looked a lot different than it does now, because he was my dad and my best friend, and he was there for me, until he wasn’t.   
I’m snapped out of my thoughts when Tony twists his body so he can wrap his arms around me, and without thought I wrap my smaller arms around his torso, letting out a breath I hadn’t realised I had been holding.   
After a few moments he lets me go and sucks in a shaky breath, letting it out with a wobbly laugh.   
“Well, do you know anything about how to reverse this?” he asks as he pulls himself together, like i’ve seen him do so many times before.   
“No, Cas was extremely vague, he said that it could wear off or it could be permanent, it could just take an incantation and some herbs, or it could be extremely complex, I could stay like this with my mind intact, or I could deteriorate until i’m mentally six years old as well as physically. So basically anything could happen at this point, hopefully that bitch that cursed me gets slapped by karma” I said spitefully   
“Wait? She is still alive? Do you know where she is?” Tony asks   
“Yeah, she fled while I was out, and if i knew where she was then I would be cured and she would be dead” I tell him   
“Well we might be of some help, if we can track her down then we can interrogate her and figure out how to reverse this” Tony tells me   
“How are you guys going to be of help?” I ask curiously   
“Um, we’re cops D, it’s in the job description” he tells me in a duh voice.   
“Lets get started then” I say excitedly, happy to have something to occupy me while I waited for Cas and Bobby to figure this whole thing out.


	21. chapter 21

Tony Dinozzo/Winchester POV 

I let out a heavy breath as I flopped down onto the couch that was to be my bed for the night. It was a long day, we switched gears from looking for Dean to looking for the witch that whammied him. We got nowhere, it was like she just disappeared, like she wasn’t there in the first place, and we still can’t figure out where exactly to start looking.   
Dean kept getting fidgety and I had to take him out to get lunch for everyone so he would stop complaining that research was boring.   
Overall it was a pretty useless day, other than occupying Dean while Cas and Bobby work to try and figure out what exactly is wrong with him, we got nowhere.   
Dean is now peacefully sleeping in the guest room, Cas picked him up to go grab his things from Bobby’s house and then I took him to go visit Abby in her lab for a while so Gibbs could go through it to look for any alcohol or guns that Dean might have snuck in there.   
I was hoping to talk some more with Dean today but he mostly stuck with Gibbs and Abby, almost like he was avoiding me. I think he was just embarrassed about his chick flick moment when I was freaking out, he was always very particular about that.   
I let my thoughts float away as my exhaustion overcame my mind and pulled me into oblivion.   
“Who the hell are you and why the fuck am I six?” I hear Dean screech, pulling me away from the blissful darkness of sleep.   
“I’m Gibb’s, and you got de-aged by a witch” I hear Gibbs say   
“Where’s Sammy?” he asks next   
“He’s not here right now” I answer him, hoping he believes me.   
“Who are you?” he asks from the doorway of the kitchen  
“It’s me Dean-o, Tony” I tell him.   
I saw his eyes go wide as he seemed to recognise me, he started to look around like he was debating if he should bolt or not.   
“Why should I believe you guys, the last thing I remember is finishing a hunt in Colorado” he tells us, seemingly compartmentalising the fact that i’m here.   
“Dean, how old do you think you are?” I ask   
“27 why?” he says   
“You were 32 yesterday, I mean, you were still stuck in a six year old body, but you were mentally 32” I tell him   
“32? Huh, didn’t think i’d make it that far” he says   
I see Gibbs face contort slightly at that statement, and I know how true it is, when I thought I would be stuck in the life, I never imagined living past 30, at the most.   
“How about we call Bobby and Cas and let them know what’s going on” I say, already pulling out my phone.   
As soon as the phone starts ringing I put it on speaker so that everyone can hear.   
“Hello” Bobby answers sounding suspicious, and then it hits me, this is going to be my first time talking to Bobby in years, he was so much help when I was trying to raise the boys, and I was too chicken to talk to him when Dean called to check in. He helped raise me though, dad sure as hell wasn’t going to, but he made sure to take care of all of us when dad left us at his place, he didn’t leave me to take care of the boys, it was the only place that I really got the chance to be a kid.   
“H-Hey Bobby” I say after a few beats of silence.   
“Tony, I was wondering when you were gonna get the balls to actually talk to me” he says gruffly   
I feel tears stinging the back of eyes as my mind is flooded with memories of Bobby’s house, of him helping me do my homework to him teaching me how to play poker, and cooking dinner for the four of us and shoving me out the door when I insisted that I could watch the boys instead of going out with some of the boys who I went to school with.   
“Yeah, um, something happened with Dean” I tell him, trying to get myself under control.   
“What? Is he alright?” he asks   
“Yeah he’s fine, he is also mentally 27 as of today, Cas said something about this maybe happening, I thought it would help narrow down your research, and it might help if Dean could talk to you” I tell him.   
“Balls, this narrows it down a lot, put the kid on” he says   
I hand the phone to Dean, reluctantly giving up the connection to my past.   
“Dean” he says   
“Yeah, it’s me Bobby” Dean says, staring at me, an odd mix of emotions flitting across his face.   
“They aren’t lying, but if i’m right, and I think I am, this will continue to happen until you are mentally six, at which point you could either stay like that, or it will automatically reverse the curse and you will go back to being 32” Bobby tells him.   
“Well shit Bobby, how did this even happen?” he asks   
“Um, you went out on a hunt and you got whammied by a witch, she ran off and you were six, Cas took you to my place but you were insistent on drinking and putting yourself in danger so we sent you to Tony’s until we figure out what’s going on with you.” he sums up.   
“Ok, but why Tony, I haven’t fucking heard from him since I was 12 years old and he walked out the fucking door, so what happened in the last 5 years that you decided to send me to him” Dean spits out   
“A lot happened Dean, and you were going to try and repair your relationship with him, you might want to ask him the particulars of what went on” he tells him.   
“Fine, i’ll talk to you later” Dean says as he hangs up   
“Why?” he asks as he throws the phone at me   
“Why what Dean?” I ask hesitantly, not exactly expecting his anger.   
“Why did you leave? Why did you never answer the fucking phone? Why did you leave me to raise our baby brother? Why did you abandon me with dad? Why did you tell me that you would always be there for me, when you obviously didn’t mean it? Why did you toss your family away like garbage? Why did you leave me you stupid motherfucker?” he yells, his face going red in anger, fists clenched by his sides, his chest heaving.   
I was reminded of the time he yelled at me in the interrogation room, and it brought back every single feeling of guilt and shame.   
“I-I I had to get away Dean, I couldn’t live like that anymore” I say, still sitting on the couch so that I don’t tower over him.   
“And I could?! He got worse you know, when you left. He got angrier and meaner, and you weren’t there to help me fix it anymore. And Sammy didn’t understand, how could he? He was eight. And I had to try to take care of them, because you fucking left me you bastard! I had no idea how to do that, how to take care of Sammy or dad, we were falling apart when you weren’t there, and I was the only one trying to hold the pieces together. After you left, all dad did was berate me for not being good enough, strong enough, brave enough, for not being enough, for not being you” he yelled, his eyes overflowing with tears.   
With my heart breaking for the brother that I left behind, I open my mouth to try and defend my actions.   
“I’m so sorry Dean, that fight was my breaking point, he wasn’t ever going to get better, and I needed out. I needed to make a life for myself, and I have hated myself every day for what I did to you and Sam, but I needed to do it, I couldn’t just stand by and let my life waste away before my eyes, I wasn’t 16 before I knew that I was going to die young, and I was going to die bloody. It was the path that dad had set me on, and running was the only way I knew to get off of it. By the time you were twelve you were on the bandwagon, ready to spend your life saving people and hunting things, and you knew that you were going to die doing it, but you were so determined to be like dad, so that he would see you, and he would love you like a father should” I tell him, hoping to god he understands what i’m trying to say. He was in, and I was out, and I loved him, love him, but I couldn’t be in that life any longer. It was driving me crazy.   
“How would you know!? None of you ever asked me if I was on the fucking bandwagon Tony. I had dreams too! I wasn’t just the perfect little soldier that everyone thought I was, I wanted to go to college, and find someone to settle down with, I wanted to become and engineer, and have kids, and I knew that it was never going to happen, because dreams don’t come true for people like me. And maybe I was on the bandwagon for a while, because I thought that it was going to be the three of us against the world, but then you fucking left, and Sammy left, and dad left, and I got left behind, while you guys went and chased your dreams, I was left to pick up the pieces of our family, I was left to carry on the family business, I was left behind, because nobody cared enough to stay. So no, Tony, I wasn’t the perfect little soldier, and I wasn’t on the bandwagon, and I wasn’t happy with where my life was going, but here we are, and I wouldn’t change a thing, because I saved the fucking world, and I saved countless other people’s lives, and if I went back and got to decide where I wanted my life to go, if I had run away to chase my dreams, they would all be dead. That’s what makes my job worth it, saving people. So you know what, fuck you, because I had dreams too, I just happened to be the only one left behind to take on the responsibility” Dean spat at me, tearing down my defence and breaking my heart into little pieces.   
Because he’s right, I never asked, if that was what he really wanted, if he had dreams, if there was something else-something better that he wanted to do with his life.   
“I’m sorry” I choke out   
He just glares at me once more before bounding up the stairs, leaving me collapse on the couch and stare at Gibbs who I had forgotten was in here.   
“I didn’t know” I tell him as I wipe my face, trying to pull myself together in the wake of Dean’s fury.   
“I know Tony, I know” he says as he turns around and goes back into the kitchen to make breakfast.


	22. chapter 22

Tony POV 

I slowly pulled myself together after the verbal lashing that Dean dished out minutes before. When I was sure that my normal expression was in place I got up and went into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee and brainstorm ways to prevent this from happening tomorrow.   
“What are we supposed to do with him when he’s six?” Gibbs asks me as I enter the kitchen, I look over to see him at the table drinking his coffee.   
“Um, I don’t know. Hope that Bobby and Cas have a cure?” I tell him as I pour my coffee, putting enough creamer in it to dull the stomach eating sludge that Gibbs likes to call coffee.   
“But what if they don’t? What are you going to do in the long run Dinozzo?” Gibbs asks   
“Fuck, I don’t know Gibbs. For now I’m just going to focus on today, I think we should have him make a video explaining things to himself, so this doesn’t happen again tomorrow, I don’t think I can do that everyday” I tell him, trying not to think of what’s going to happen if there isn’t a cure for this.   
“That’s a good idea, but I think maybe we should have Abby come in and take care of that, he doesn’t seem too keen on your presence at the moment” Gibbs states as he finishes his cup of poison mud.   
“Yeah, i’ll go into work today and help Mcgeek try to find the bitch witch” I say, putting my cup in the sink. 

Dean POV 

I laid on my back with my arm slung over my eyes, contemplating what Tony and this Gibbs guy told me, nevermind the fact that Tony is here, and that we have apparently been ‘trying to repair our relationship’ like as if I could just forgive him for all the shit he put me through.   
Bobby told me that it wasn’t a lie though, and I trust him.   
But what does that leave me with? The knowledge that i’m going to decrease in age again by tomorrow? That i’m stuck here with my ‘brother’ who left me? That i’m in a fucking six year old body?   
They told me that Sam was off on a hunt somewhere, that we split up, what a load of shit, it seems that neither of them work on lying a whole lot, they’re shit at it.   
Now I have to figure out where Sam really is, where my car is, and how to get my car undetected as a fucking six year old.   
I let out a load groan, knowing that that is the most shit part of this. It would be easy enough to get away from them, to steal my car back, but I look like a fucking six year old, and six year olds by themselves don’t blend in, especially not if they are driving a car.   
I make up my mind and start praying to Cas, hoping he answers quickly. I’m rewarded when he pops into existence directly in front of my bed.   
“Hey Cas” I greet   
“You prayed?” he asks, getting right down to business   
“I need you to get me out of here, now” I tell him, not caring that we would be flying.   
“Dean, I told you yesterday that you needed to stay here, I cannot keep you in line while I try to research a cure at the same time” he tells me   
“I can keep myself in line Cas! I’m 27 years old, been taking care of myself for a long fucking time, just because I look six does not mean that I am six. I fucking refuse to spend the day with the shit-face excuse for a brother” I tell him heatedly, hoping that he listens to me.   
“No Dean, you are staying here and that’s final” he tells me sternly   
“Fuck! You aren’t in charge of me! You can’t tell me to stay here with him, you can’t tell me that I can’t leave. I’m a fucking grown up” I rage at him   
“I don’t care Dean, you look like a child, and you refuse to do what’s in your own best interest, like not drinking, or trying to drive the car, or trying to work on a car and almost getting crushed! You are staying here, and you will not run away, because when we find a cure, we are going to need you so that we can reverse the curse” he tells me angrily, a soft fluttering of wings signaling his departure.   
“FUCK!” I yell as I throw my fist through a wall, forgetting for a moment that my hands are tiny and not toughened from years of fighting.   
I hold in the grunt of pain that wants to escape my lips, instead opting to gently remove my hand from the wall, inspecting the damage.   
While i’m looking at the bleeding cuts from my knuckles to my wrist I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, realising that someone heard me I quickly open the door so that it covers the hole and then stick my hand in my pocket, ignoring the sharp pain that shoots through my arm, telling me that I probably broke something. I quickly smooth out my expression, not letting any of my pain show on my face.   
“What was that Dean?” Gibbs asks as he rounds the doorway a pretty woman trailing behind him.   
“Nothing, I kicked the bed” I lie easily   
I hear the pretty goth let out a gasp as she shoots forward towards me.   
“Woah lady, slow your roll” I tell her as my eyes widen, not expecting the stranger to butt up in my personal space.   
She quickly drops to her knees in front of me, bringing us to equal heights.   
“Why are you bleeding Dean?” She asks, concern permeating her being.   
“I’m not” I say as a last ditch effort.   
She points down at my jeans pocket which has unfortunately soaked through with the blood that was previously running down my hand.   
I let out a small sigh of defeat as Gibbs inches closer, looking at the blood seeping through my jeans.   
“Take your hand out of your pocket Dean” he demands   
I comply, knowing that my ruse was spent.   
I brace myself against the pain of rubbing open wounds against the rough denim of my jeans. When my hand is fully out the goth gasps again, taking my hand in hers she inspects it carefully.   
“Call Ducky Gibbs, I think he broke it” she says, sounding upset.   
“How did this happen Dean?” she asks softly   
“I punched a wall, it hurt a lot more with this tiny breakable hand” I say with a soft chuckle, hoping to lighten her mood a little.   
“Ducky will be here in 20 minutes” Gibbs says as he ushers the both of us downstairs.   
We all sit on the couch while we wait for Ducky, Gibbs filling me in on the fact that i’m to make myself a video for tomorrow, letting my future? Past? Self know what the hell has happened. So that I can skip all the shit that happened today, and it’s not even 10 in the morning.   
“Oh, dear” is the first thing that comes out of the old guys mouth when he sees my hand.   
“How on earth did this happen?” he asks, setting a medical bag down on the table before sitting down next to me, quickly getting his supplies together.   
“I punched a wall, not my brightest moment” I tell him flatly.   
He just mumbles distractedly in response before telling me that the antiseptic is going to hurt. I’m already braced, knowing the feeling very well by now. Usually it’s cheap whiskey, but either way, I don’t flinch or make any movements indicating surprise or pain.   
By the end of the procedure Ducky stitched up my hand, with no painkillers on my insistence, and decided that I had only sprained my wrist. So with a bandage running from my knuckles to my wrist, and a small brace keeping it in place so as not to hurt it further, Ducky deems his job completed, and tells me to not punch any walls anytime soon.   
When he finally leaves I turn to the goth who has been sitting next to me for the whole procedure, and tilt my head in confusion. She looks really fucking sad.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask   
“You didn’t even flinch, you have to know that’s not normal. You just sat there like you were watching t.v instead of getting your hand stitched up and your sprained wrist braced. To have that high of a pain threshold is upsetting, to think of how much pain you had to go through to think that this is normal, and not something to be concerned with, it’s not okay” she says, her blue eyes glistening with unshed tears.   
“It is normal, in my line of work, this is something minor that would usually be fixed with a sewing needle, floss and a bottle of whiskey. Not something to call a doctor in for. It’s something I learned how to do for other people at 9, and something I learned how to do for myself at 12. It might be fucked up, and not normal, and weird to you, but that’s just my life” I tell her, standing up and grabbing her hand to tow her behind me.   
“Where are we going dean” she asks curiously.   
“We have a video to film” I tell her with a forced smile. 

Tony POV 

I let out a groan as I pushed myself away from my desk, I had finally finished with the paperwork that had piled up since Dean had gotten here.   
I look up when Ducky enters the bullpen, a concerned look in his eyes.   
“What’s up Duck” I ask as he comes to a stop in front of my desk.   
“I just got back from treating your brother, he punched a wall, needed stitches on his hand and he sprained his wrist” he tells me   
“Shit, why did he do that?” I ask   
“I didn’t ask the lad, but I thought I would ask you something else. When I was fixing him up he refused pain medication, and he didn’t show any outward signs of pain or distress, it was a worrying thing, and I thought you might know the reason behind him hiding his pain like that” Ducky asks, and I see that we now have the attention of both Ziva and Mcgee.   
“Yeah, he’s been like that for as long as I can remember, at least since after our mom died. He never wanted anyone to know he was hurting, I mean, it’s a little bit the hunter thing, because i’m just as good at hiding injuries. But he always used to do it, he would hide them from me, from Sammy, especially from dad. And when we found them he would insist on cleaning himself up. I think he just didn’t want to show weakness, I always told him that sharing the load wasn’t weak, but he didn’t exactly listen, he used to tell me that the pain meds made him fuzzy and that he didn’t want anything. Didn’t matter if he broke his leg or he fell down and split his head open, he never let me give him anything to take the pain away.” I tell him, accidentally letting loose more information than I had planned when Ducky asked the question.   
“How old was he when your mother passed?” Ducky asks   
“4” I tell him   
“Mmm, yes, a traumatic experience that young would change a person, and it doesn’t seem like your father was much help while he was grieving either, it’s a breeding ground for emotional problems” Ducky says, almost to himself as he walks back to the elevator.   
‘A breeding ground for emotional problems’ sounds about right, not like i’m not a little fucked in the head too. Although I was in the game for a shorter amount of time than Dean was doesn’t mean that it didn’t fuck me up too, not to mention our childhood was ten shades of fucked.   
I’m brought out of my thoughts when Mcgee calls my name.   
“What? I ask distractedly   
“I can track her up to a certain point, and then it’s like she just disappears off the face of the planet. I can have Abby help me out when she gets back later, but for now i’m not getting anywhere” he tells me   
“It’s fine, it was a long shot anyway, let’s get back to our actual work until she gets here.” I tell him, not letting my disappointment seep through my mask.


	23. chapter 23

Tony POV 

I gasped as I snapped my head up, groaning as my neck ached with the movement. I shook off the nightmare as I looked around the office, realising that I had fallen asleep at my desk, my head bent backwards at an odd angle. It was dark with only a few lights still on for the people who worked late, glancing at my watch I realised that it was 5 in the morning, and I had to go and face Dean again today.   
I slowly stood up and gathered my things before leaving the offices and going to my apartment for a quick shower before I had to go and figure out how old my brother was today.   
While I was making the short drive to my apartment I found myself getting lost in the memories that my dream had brought back.   
It’s been a whole year since mom died, and dad has changed. He had been gone for the last week, the longest that he has left me in charge of my brothers before, Sam is only 1 and a half, and he still wakes up at all hours of the night screaming bloody murder, I think he misses mom too. Dean still hasn’t uttered a word and I don’t know how to fix it, I still talk to him like I used too, hoping that one day he’ll respond, that he will answer my questions with more than a nod, will tell me that he’s going to be okay.   
I finish washing the last dish, watching from the corner of my eye as Dean puts Sam down for bed in his crib, then going to get himself ready. I startle a bit as my phone rings shrilly through the motel room, and I quickly pick it up so as not to wake the rarely peaceful baby.   
“Dad?” I question as I answer the phone, sliding out the door to stand just outside the room.   
“Tony?” he asks, sounding out of it, I sigh realising that he’s probably drunk again.   
“Are you coming home soon?” I ask, hoping that he says yes  
“No, I have to finish up this hunt. How are my boys doing?” he asks, and from the slur I can say that he’s definitely drunk.   
“You would know if you came home long enough to find out” I snap, pissed that he doesn’t even seem to realise that he doesn’t know his children anymore.   
“Don’t you dare take that tone with me young man!” he snaps   
“Yes sir” I answer, knowing that it’s best to just agree with him while he’s in this state.   
“Now i’ll ask again, how are you boys?” he says with an edge to his voice   
“Physically? We are fine. Mentally? Huh, not so much” I answer   
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he snaps   
“It means that you haven’t stayed around long enough to realise that dean hasn’t said a word since mom died, that he goes into a panic at the sight of fire, that he is so fucked up right now and that he needs his father, we all do.” I rant, hoping that he’ll listen to me this time.   
Apparently ignoring me, dad just goes on with his line of questioning.   
“How are you guys doing in school?” he asks   
“School? Dad, how do you think i’m going to school? Sammy is one and a half and you don’t leave enough money for daycare, I take care of Sammy all day, Dean on the other hand is brilliant, he’s aceing all of his classes, he’s also being bullied because he won’t speak to anyone.” I tell him, trying to break through the thick, stubborn skull of his to make him see how he’s neglecting his children.   
“I did leave enough money for daycare! You must be spending it on shit you shouldn’t be” he defends, and I know that trying to change his mind is pointless, but i’m too angry to care about that right now.   
“I spend the money on food! And I spend the money on diapers and new clothes for Sammy because he’s growing, fast, and we are still scraping by! And maybe if you didn’t take so much of the money you make to spend it on boose than we would have enough for better food, or clothes that aren’t always from goodwill, or maybe we would even have enough to send your child to daycare so that your son could go get a fucking education.” I yell at him, quieting down when I see Sammy moving around in his crib through the curtains.   
I don’t know what I was expecting when I finally told him what’s been eating at me for months now, but all I get is the dial tone.   
“Fuck” I curse as I slump against the wall next to the door.   
I startle a bit when a few moments later the door creaks open and Dean slides out, looking up at me with concern shining in his eyes.   
“Hey buddy” I greet tiredly   
He silently closes the door behind him and then sidles up next to me, his hand sneaking up and around my arm to hug it to his torso.   
I realise that he was probably just inside the door, listening to my conversation with dad.   
“Did you hear all that?” I ask quietly   
He just nods his head.   
Feeling bad because I know that he will be upset, I sit down in the chair that was placed next to our door and pull him up onto my lap letting him bury his face in my shoulder, it’s a rare thing, him letting his guard down enough for me to comfort him anymore.   
“We’re going to be alright Dean, I promise, even though dad isn’t really dad anymore, we’ll be alright” I tell him, not really sure that I believe it myself.   
I shake my head again, clearing my mind of that memory, it’s been a long time since i’ve let myself think about my childhood. It was the first fight that I had with dad, but it most definitely was not the last.   
The year after that dad started leaving a bit more money, he had gotten better at hustling pool and running credit card scams, and there was finally enough that I could get Sammy into a daycare so that I could re-enroll in school, I had only missed two years and I told the new school that my dad had tried homeschooling me for a while, and that it didn’t work out.   
It turns out that I didn’t miss all that much, I was caught up with everything by the second semester.   
Shaking the remaining memories from my head I turned the key in my car and quickly rushed up to my apartment, showering and putting on clean clothes before grabbing a banana and a granola bar for breakfast before hightailing it back to my car.   
I arrived at Gibbs house shortly after that and only hesitated for a moment before pushing the door open and entering the house.   
I breathe out a sigh of relief when I realise that Dean probably isn’t up yet, and that Gibbs is in the kitchen.   
“Hey boss” I greeted as I made myself a cup of coffee, sitting down across from him while I finished my banana.   
“How did the video go yesterday?” I ask   
“It went fine, they left the laptop at the end of the bed with a ‘watch me’ sticky note on it, we’ll see how that goes” Gibbs said, slightly sceptically.   
“Hopefully better than yesterday” I comment with a forced smirk.


	24. chapter 24

Dean POV 

I let out a gasp as I shoot up in bed, not the bed I went to sleep in though. I quickly scan the room for any threats or clues as to where I am. When I see the laptop sitting on the end of the bed with a ‘watch me’ sticky note on it I groan, hoping that this isn’t a message from some kidnapper or something. I get up and walk to the door to see if it’s locked before I watch the video, I let out a sigh of relief when I see that it isn’t, but on my way back to the bed I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall, I let out a sharp gasp and jump back a little, I quickly pat myself down and watch as the child in the mirror does the same thing.   
Deciding to push the fact that i’m six to the back of my priority list for the moment, I let out a calming breath and walk back to the bed. When I open the laptop and hit the keys to wake it up, i’m surprised to see myself staring back at me.   
I quickly hit the play button to see what I have to say to myself.   
“Hey Dean, I know it’s a little jarring waking up in a new place that definitely isn’t where you went to sleep, I would know, we did it this morning. At the moment i’m 27, not sure how old you’re gonna be when you get this, but apparently we got whammied by a witch, that’s why we look six, and we seem to be decreasing in age mentally. So that’s why I left you this. I figure there are a few things I should warn you about, first thing, the people you’re with are pretty nice, and Bobby said we could trust them. Second thing, Tony is there, yes, our shitty older brother who abandoned us when we were 12, apparently future us doesn’t hate him anymore.   
I’m not sure if you would have met Cas yet, however old you are, but he’s our best friend, and he’s an angel, yes angels exist, so you can trust him.   
Um, dad’s dead, and Sammy is off doing a case by himself in Funky Town. Oh, and apparently this will probably keep happening until we are actually six, so if I were you, ha, which I am, I would keep making these videos to past or uh, future? Us’s.” I watch as past me looks off screen.   
“Oh, and before I go, this is Abby, we like Abby, and I punched a wall and sprained our wrist” I look down at my wrist to see that it’s in a splint.   
I watch the video twice more to make sure that I get all of the information that I need to off of it.   
Then I start analysing.   
I wasn’t lying when I said that Bobby said that we could trust these people, I wasn’t lying when I said that we liked Abby, I was 27 when I made the video, but i’m only 22. Apparently future me doesn’t hate Tony, but 27 year old me, and now me, definitely do.   
I’m going to have to make another one of these today, because it looks like this is going to keep happening, I was whammied by a witch.   
Apparently my best friend is an angel, even though angels don’t exist, but video me wasn’t lying, so I guess that changed.   
Dad is dead, but that’s a whole different can of worms that can be opened at another time.   
Sam is working another case in Funky Town is a load of shit, Funky Town means that Sam is in trouble, so I need to look into that.   
And lastly, why the fuck did future me think that it was alright to punch a wall in a child’s body?   
Once I get all of my thoughts in order I decide to go downstairs to see who all is apparently watching me.   
I silently creep down the stairs before when I hear voices from another room, I slowly walk towards the voices and stop when i’m right around the corner of the doorway into what seems to be a kitchen.   
“Dean should be up already” someone says   
“Yeah well he had a stressful day yesterday” someone else responds   
“Now if only I could remember it” I remark as I slide around the corner to hover in the doorway.   
I stay where I am as the two men look at me, seemingly expecting me to do something. I just study the one that seems familiar, realising a moment later that it’s Tony, just older, and stressed.   
I feel my face harden into a mask of of stone as all of the horrible memories of the first few months of his absence flood my mind. The confusion, trying to figure out how to step up, how to be a parent. It was terrifying, knowing that the moment I did something wrong I could fuck up everything. That if I let something slip to a teacher I could get CPS called on me and Sam, that if I wasn’t always on guard something after dad could slip past me and get to Sammy, the need to make sure that Sammy was as happy as he could be, the pressure that dad constantly put on me to step up into the shoes that Tony had left behind.   
I pivot on my heel and walk to the fridge, on the hunt for some food. There isn’t much in the fridge in terms of breakfast items, so I just grab a carton of eggs and some cheese along with a pepper and an onion.   
Ignoring the other two men in the room I grab a chair from the table and drag it over to the counter and then grab a knife from the block on the counter and a cutting board from the drying rack in the sink.   
I let myself fall into the familiar movements as I cut up the onion then the pepper and crack the eggs into a bowl, whisking them until they are fluffy.   
“Pans?” I ask without turning around.   
“Cabinet to your right” the unidentified man tells me, curiosity lacing his voice.   
I gather my things and turn the stove on, a few minutes later and I have an omelette on a plate and everything I used is in the sink.   
I make myself a cup of coffee and then go and sit down on at the table, choosing the chair closest to the door for a quick exit if needed, and I know that my seat choice did not go unnoticed by the other occupants of the room. I watch silently as Tony takes my coffee away and leaves it on the other end of the table.   
“I just want you to know, Tony, that I hate you for what you did to me, but for the moment it seems that I am stuck here, in this situation with your people. I just have one question, where the fuck is Sammy?” I ask calmly, not willing to fuck around at this point.   
“He’s got a case in another town” not Tony tells me   
“Well that’s a load of bullshit, because Sammy left to go to Stanford a few months ago, and he quit hunting. So i’ll ask once more, where the fuck is my baby brother?” I ask, angry that they are lying to me.   
“He’s dead” Tony says softly, I snap my head up to see sincerity and tears shining in his eyes.   
I see their lips moving but I can’t seem to stop the words from running through my head on a loop.   
‘He’s dead’   
I flinch back when I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder, in a daze I dash out of my seat and out the front door, I hear footsteps behind me but I just keep running, I make random turns and I cut through yards, when I reach the woods I just keep running, I make sure to run diagonally through the trees to make it harder for them to track me.   
I don’t stop until my lungs are screaming for air and my legs feel like jelly, I collapse to the ground in a heap gasping for air, I listen for a moment before I remember that the footsteps had faded away while I was still running through yards, that I only kept running because I didn’t know what else to do.   
By the time my breathing slows to a normal speed i’m crying and it’s picking up again.   
Everything I did in my life was to make sure that he was happy and safe, and even though sometimes he wasn’t happy, he was always safe. Ever since dad shoved him into my arms and told me to run, he’s been mine to take care of, mine to protect, and now i’ve failed. He’s dead.


	25. chapter 25

Dean POV 

I snap my head up when I hear the faint sound of voices filtering through the trees, making their way towards me. On instinct I quickly clamber up a tree, not wanting to found.   
It’s been a few hours since I ran off into the woods and i’ve just been staring off into space for the majority of that time, thinking about ways that I could have prevented this from happening.   
Once i’m a sufficient height up in the tree I stop climbing and perch on a sturdy branch that will hold my weight, I look down as the people that alerted me to their presence come to a stop below the tree that i’m in.   
“How did you lose a child Tony?” an unfamiliar man asks my brother   
“I don’t know Tim! I told him about Sam and then he took off, I tried to chase after him but he kept going through people’s yard and he’s little now, it’s easier for him to run and hide.” Tony says, obviously worked up about this whole situation.   
“Well what makes you think he went into the woods?” Tim asks   
“Because that’s the only logical course of action, he can’t hide in someone’s yard forever, the woods on the other hand…” Tony trailed off, knowing that I could survive for however long I wanted in the woods.   
“Well how old is he now?” Tim asks him   
“Seeing as he thought Sam was in college, i’m gonna say about 22, which means he skipped five years again, which means if we don’t find him by tomorrow, he’ll most likely be 17.” Tony tells him  
“Okay, and if we continue on that track he’ll be decreasing by about five years a day until he’s 6 or 7, and when he was six or seven, did he know how to survive in the woods?” Tim asks   
“That’s what i’m worried about Mcgeek, wilderness survival classes weren’t taught until he was 8, you’ve seen the reports on the Winchester brothers, until he wants to be found, we won’t be able to find him, but by this time tomorrow, he won’t even know anyone’s looking.” Tony tells him as they resume their trek through the woods.   
I let out the breath I was holding and slump back against the tree trunk, happy that they didn’t look up during their conversation.   
I look around me at where I am and what i’m doing, and it brings me back to the summer I turned eight.   
“Come on Dean, we’re gonna have us a pop quiz on what you learned these last few weeks” Dad said as he marched into our motel room after being gone for a week.   
I was happy that he wasn’t angry, as he usually was after he came back from a hunt, so I easily complied, not wanting to make him angry.   
I asked him a few times where we were going while we were sitting in the car, but he wouldn’t answer me, just turned the radio up.   
When a about a half-hour later we pull off the side of the road I look up at him expectantly, he just looks at me and then at my door. Confused I open my door, wondering what’s going on.   
He gets out and meets me around the front of the car, hands me a knife and a flint, and then he smiles at me and pushes me towards the woods.   
“What’s going on dad?” I ask nervously  
“You are going to go into those woods, and you are going to survive this weekend. Find your own water, food, make your fire. And the whole time, i’m going to be chasing you, you need to learn how to evade the enemy, if you can manage to not get caught for the next two days, you win, if I catch you, we start over.” he tells me  
“Do I get a headstart?” I ask hesitantly   
“Will a werewolf give you a headstart?” he asks  
Shaking my head I take off at a dead run, knowing that he wasn’t kidding. I remember when he did this with Tony, he came back a week later with cuts all over his hands and a gash down the side of his face, he was pissed and told dad that he wasn’t ever doing that again.   
A few hours later i’m safely hidden up a tree and the moon is just starting to rise, I hear footsteps below me and I slow my breathing so that he can’t hear it, making sure not to move a muscle.   
“Come on out Dean, you can’t hide forever” he taunts, not realising that he’s closer than he’s been all day.   
I just screw my eyes closed and pray that he doesn’t think to look up the tree.   
A few minutes later I let out a shaky breath as the footsteps move on, the taunting voice of my dad leaving the vicinity for the moment.   
I think about how Tony will be pissed that Dad took me out here, because Tony had just left to go pick up Sammy from Daycare when Dad dropped in and took me out here.   
I slowly go over what I have to do tomorrow if i’m going to pass this test, i’m going to need to find water, because I didn’t find any today while I was running from dad, and food will play a major factor in me being able to outrun him.   
When i’m sure that the danger of being found has passed, I slowly and quietly adjust my position so that I can safely sleep in the tree.   
Turns out it’s harder to sleep in a tree than one would think, I kept waking up throughout the night thinking that dad had found me, or that there was a real monster in the woods. Not to mention the fact that sleeping upright fifty feet up a tree is not one of the most comfortable places to be. I’m relieved when the sun finally rises and there is enough light for me to be able to see what i’m looking for.   
Two hours later and i’ve found what I was looking for, a squirrel, I quickly skinned and cleaned the small animal and then found a sheltered place to build a fire.   
When I had eaten my small meal I set off again to find someplace with either running water, or water that was clean enough that I could boil the bacteria off of it.   
It’s around five in the afternoon and dad has come way too close to catching me way too many times, and I still haven’t found any water, i’m close to just giving up and sitting down for dad to find me so that I can get some water, when I finally stumble upon a fast moving creek.   
Falling to my knees I drink greedily, not really caring that the safest thing to do would be to find a bowl shaped rock that I could boil the water in.   
When i’m satisfied I repeat the same process that I did last night, I find a tall tree in a dense portion of the woods and I start to climb, when the branches start thinning out I stop and find one that will support me all night.   
When I wake up in the morning, it’s to the face of John Winchester’s next to mine, scaring me out of my sleepy state, I almost fall off the branch i’m currently perched on, but dad thankfully grabs a handful of my coat and pulls me back up onto it.   
“You did good son” he tells me, a proud look on his face.   
That’s the first, and one of the only times that I remember dad being proud of me.   
I decide that if I could evade John Winchester for two nights when I was eight, then I can most definitely evade Tony’s team for the next few hours.


	26. chapter 26

Tony’s POV 

I sigh as I look up at the slowly darkening sky, realising that the chances of finding Dean before it gets too dark to see my own feet are waning. When Dean ran away from me this morning me and Gibbs quickly called in the rest of the team, including Abby and Ducky, to come and help us search for him. Gibbs separated us into pairs and sent us to different locations that he could have potentially gone, and nobody has found him yet, the most likely place he is though, is the woods that me and Tim have been searching through all damn day.   
“Come on Mcgee, let’s head back to Gibbs, we haven’t had any luck finding him in the light, and I don’t think our chances are going to improve much in the dark” I tell him as I turn us around and start the miles long trek back to the edge of the woods.   
“How many miles of woods are back here Tony?” Tim asks a few minutes later.   
“About a hundred” I answer, trying not to let myself dwell on how long Dean could hide from me in these woods.   
About an hour later me and Tim have arrived back at Gibbs house, not a thing to show for all the searching we did today.   
I hear voices coming from the kitchen when we let ourselves into the house, making my way there I try to blank my face of all of the doubts and worries that have been speeding through my mind like a rollercoaster on crack.   
I know that I failed in putting my mask up when Abby looks up at me with pitying eyes and holds out a slice of pizza for me.   
“Thanks Abby” I say as I sit down at the kitchen table, letting my muscles relax for the first time since Dean ran off this morning.   
“How old do you think Dean is?” Gibbs asks me after I finish my pizza   
“Around 22, he said that Sam left for college a few months ago, which would place him at 22 or 23, probably 22” I tell him   
“He seems to be decreasing my 5 year increments” Tim told them   
“Which means tomorrow he’ll be 17” I tell them as I rest my head in my arms folded in front of me on the table.   
“Tony told me that he learned wilderness survival at 8, which means we have 2 days to find him before he doesn’t know how to take care of himself in the woods anymore” Tim says to the rest of the team that has gathered in the kitchen.   
“Which is honestly not likely” I tell them as I pick my head up, ready to join the discussion.   
“Why not?” Ducky asks, concerned.   
“Because, Dean is way fucking better at wilderness survival than I am. You see, how dad taught us how to survive in the woods, for whatever reason, is he would tell us all of the things that we needed to know for how to live off the land. How to skin and gut different animals, how to identify clean water, how to boil water if the water you do find isn’t clean, how to sleep in a tree, how to make fire without a flint, and with one, and how best to kill different animals. Doesn’t sound too bad does it?” I ask humorlessly   
“No, it doesn’t sound bad, the final test is where it gets bad, for mine, dad came home one day after a hunt, told Dean to take care of Sammy, and told me to get in the car, when we got to some secluded woods, he handed me a knife and a flint and told me that he would be hunting me through the woods for the next two days, if I could avoid being caught then I passed, and if he caught me at any point, sleeping or no sleeping, then we would start over.   
It took me a week to pass, and in that time I fractured a rib, a concussion, cut my face, scraped up my hands and sprained my ankle, I couldn’t find water for close to 2 days, all I ate for that week was a rabbit and a squirrel, dad caught me a total of 8 times and made me start over, never giving me water, or food, or a break in between. It was the start of winter in New York, and all I had was a leather jacket, I was well on my way to hypothermia when dad finally called it quits, I never passed wilderness survival, I was 13” I tell them, trying not to let the memories of that week come to the forefront of my mind.   
“Dad knew I was pissed when he started teaching Dean wilderness survival when he was 8, and I told him not to make him take the final test like I did, so one day while I was picking Sammy up from daycare, he dropped by the motel and took Dean off into the woods. They came back 2 days later, Dean didn’t have a scratch on him and he told me all about how he found water and he killed a squirrel, Dean was 8 and he fucking excelled at surviving in the woods, years have passed and I am quite sure that he hasn’t lost that certain skill set of his.” I finish, leaning back in my chair as the desperation to find my brother before he becomes a helpless child in the middle of the woods seeped through my body.   
“What the fuck is wrong with your father Tony?” Abby asked, obviously angry for me.   
“He was a fucking empty shell, that’s what. He was a good dad before mom died, he came to my soccer games and he was proud when I got good grades on my report card, he told stupid dad jokes and he always showed up when it mattered, he loved his family and he let us know that, but when mom died, something broke inside of him, the only thing he really cared about anymore was finding her killer. He didn’t care when Dean got amazing grades, and he didn’t show up for holidays or birthdays and the only time he was proud of us was when we showed promise as hunters. Family, and love, and everything he believed in was shattered when mom died, he shattered when mom died. And it wasn’t fair, because his fucking children were hurting too, and we needed a father, and instead we got a shell of the man he used to be, and instead of just grieving for our mother, we were grieving for our father too.” I tell them as my eyesight goes blurry with unshed tears, as I finally tell someone what has been eating away at my ability to believe in family for the last 30 years.   
I know that I have trust issues, and I know why I have trust issues, but I can’t seem to get over it, that everytime I think of settling down with someone, I go back to that memory, that thought, knowing how easily someone can shatter into so many pieces that you can’t even recognise them, that they can break and become someone entirely new, it’s terrifying, because I don’t think I can do that again, watch someone I love break like that again, it was traumatising enough the first time around, I don’t need to find out what it will do the second.


	27. chapter 27

Dean POV 

I let out a sigh as I look up at the darkening sky, kicking my dangling leg back and forth as I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air, letting myself relax for the first time in what feels like a very long time.   
I contemplated going back to Tony’s, but the thought of facing my brother and his team, the thought of having to face the reality that Sam is really dead, it’s not something that i’m looking forward to, it’s not something that i’ll ever be ready to face.   
But I don’t have to face it here, in this tree, in these woods, I don’t have to face anything, I could be like one of the lost boys in Peter Pan, living in the woods, forgetting about my past life.   
But I can’t forget, because then who else will remember? Who will remember the amazing man that my brother grew into? Who will remember the caring little boy who just wanted to have a normal life? Who will remember my baby brother?   
That’s why I have to go back, because someone needs to remember what happened, someone needs to remember him, and i’m the only one who will, the only one who can.   
With that thought in mind I heave a sigh and start my descent down the tree i’ve been in for the majority of the day, groaning slightly as my muscles protest the sudden movement, telling me to slow down and take it easy, ignoring the pain in my body I quicken my descent, realising that I would prefer to be out of the woods before full dark if I’m going to be walking around instead of safely hidden up a tree.   
About an hour later i’m able to make my way back out to where I entered the woods and I start my walk back to the house I fled from this morning.   
When I get there I try the handle, and realising that the door is already unlocked I make my way back into the house, retracing my steps from this morning to make my way back to the kitchen.   
When I get there I see a bunch of people that I don’t recognise, though my eyes quickly locate Tony sitting at the table.   
“He didn’t care when Dean got amazing grades, and he didn’t show up for holidays or birthdays and the only time he was proud of us was when we showed promise as hunters. Family, and love, and everything he believed in was shattered when mom died, he shattered when mom died. And it wasn’t fair, because his fucking children were hurting too, and we needed a father, and instead we got a shell of the man he used to be, and instead of just grieving for our mother, we were grieving for our father too.” I hear Tony telling what must be the tail end of a story.   
Realising that he’s telling them about his past I decide to stay where they can’t see me and listen to what else they have to say.   
“I’m so sorry Tony” I hear a goth woman say as she lays her hand on Tony’s back  
“It’s fine Abby” he mumbles.   
“Did you guys find anything while me and Tony were searching the woods today?” Tim, the man who was in the woods with Tony today asked, seeming to want to change the subject.   
“No, besides a few neighbors spotting him running through their yards, no one has seen a boy matching his description” a pretty woman answers with a heavily accented voice.   
“And Bobby and Cas still aren’t answering their phones?” Tony asks   
“No, we left messages though” the tall man from the kitchen this morning says.   
Since they aren’t saying anything interesting now I decide to blow my cover, walking slowly away from the wall I make my way inside the kitchen, flinching back when the goth lady goes in for a hug.   
“It wouldn’t do me any good to be lost in the woods tomorrow” I tell them as an explanation for my sudden reappearance.   
“Shit, why did you run D?” Tony exclaims as he spins around in his seat to look at me.   
“Because you told me that my last remaining family member was dead” I answer in a stone cold voice.   
I see him flinch slightly from the ice in my voice before our staring contest is interrupted by the goth who tried to hug me when she saw me.   
“Why don’t you have some dinner while I go set up the laptop so you can make your video for tomorrow?” She says, although it’s clear that she isn’t really asking.   
I just nod my head and grab a slice of cold pizza from the box on the table before climbing up to sit on the counter, the furthest seat I could find from Tony.   
“So, who the fuck are you people?” I ask through a bite of pizza.   
I watch as the faces of a few of the people contort, probably at hearing such language from such a small body.   
Snapping out of it a moment later they start to introduce themselves.   
“Ziva” is all the pretty woman says   
“Hi, i’m Tim” Tim says   
“I know, I heard you and Tony looking for me in the woods today” I answer with a hesitant smile.   
“Yo-you were close enough to hear us?” he stammers   
“Yeah” I answer plainly   
“How, we should have heard you if you were close enough to hear us” he asks, obviously confused by my answers.   
“Have you ever heard of a tree, dumbass?” I question, a smile gracing my features as I remember having much of the same argument with Sammy when we would play hide and seek in the woods at Bobby’s.   
He snaps his mouth closed at that, wisely choosing to not continue his line of asinine questioning.   
“Hello, i’m Ducky” the old man says, holding out his hand for a shake, I oblige, not wanting to be rude to the one I know nothing about.   
“Gibbs” grumbles the gray haired man seated at the table with Tony.   
“Abby” chirps the cheerful goth who’s working on the laptop at the table.   
I just nod before finishing my slice of pizza and looking down at them, opening my mouth to ask a question.   
Before I can get the first word out Tony cuts me off, apparently reading my mind.   
“No beer” he says from his slouched position in the kitchen chair.   
“Fuck you” I counter   
“No beer” he reiterates, in the same flat tone as before.   
“Come over here Dean, we need to make this video, we don’t know when exactly you digress, so it’s probably best to do it sooner rather than later.” Abby tells me, patting the seat next to her in invitation.   
Rolling my eyes at the interrupted argument, I hop off the counter and make my way over to her, sitting down reluctantly in the seat between her and the ever surly Gibbs.   
“So it’s all set up, all you have to do is press the record button and then again when your done” she explains as she pushes the laptop so that it’s in front of me.  
Thinking for a moment on what I want to say, I make up my mind quickly and press the record button.   
“Hey future/past Dean, i’m gonna take a wild guess and say that we are 17 but in this tiny ass fragile fucking body. Apparently we got whammied by a witch and now this shit is happening, we are stuck in a small body and we keep decreasing in age by about five years, also according to past us, our best friend is an angel. Past us also said that the people we are with are pretty nice. This is, Ducky, Abby, Tim, Ziva, Gibbs, and last but not fucking least, Tony!” I say as I pick the laptop up and pan it around while I recite the names.   
“Yes you heard me right, Tony, the brother who left us and never came back. Also according to past us, in the future we are trying for a reconciliation, but at the moment I still hate the fucker for leaving us like he did, so maybe future us is a little more forgiving, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be. Moving on, now for the real shockers, dad and Sammy are dead, so, yeah, I guess that’s something for you to deal with. Anyway, uh, good luck you sexy bastard” I finish off with a forced grin at the camera before clicking the button to end the recording.   
Without looking at anyone I slide from my seat and make my way into the living room, plopping down on the couch, I let out a sigh of relief as my butt thanks me for not having to sit on a branch any longer.   
A few minutes later Abby walks into the living room and sits down next to me on the couch, in my sleepy state I feel myself melting into her side, falling asleep faster than I want too, but i’m unable to drag myself from the darkness that’s consuming my mind.


	28. chapter 28

Tony POV 

I flinch awake as I feel someone poke my chest, I slowly open my eyes, blinking away the early morning burryness. When my eyes are clear enough to make out who’s poking me, I see Dean staring down at me with a confused expression on his little face, his small finger poking my chest over and over again, apparently remembering the easiest way to wake me up.   
“Dean?” I ask, my voice rough from sleep   
“I watched the video” he says, and I can see the sadness pooling in his eyes, I remember how callously he told his future self how his dad and his baby brother were dead.   
“I’m so sorry D” I tell him as I sit up on the couch I had crashed on last night.   
I watch as he slowly sits down on the couch next to me, his eyes shining with unshed tears.   
“You left, and you didn’t come back” he states, pulling some of the blanket I was using over onto himself, pulling his legs up into the couch so that he’s hugging his knees.   
“I know” I say quietly   
“Why” he asks, looking straight ahead.   
“I needed to get away, the life was killing me, the thought of living and dying as a hunter, it was scary, I didn’t want that, for any of us, but Sam was just a little kid, and you were so adamant about becoming a hunter, carrying on the family business. I knew, that if you had ever asked me to come back, for any reason, I would have come running, and I wouldn’t have been able to leave you again” I explain softly, hoping it doesn’t cause him to blow up like it has been since he first walked into the bullpen.   
I’m surprised when he just nods his head, letting one tear slowly roll down his cheek.  
“How did they die?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.   
“Um, there was a car accident, and Sam was fine, dad was a little jacked up, but you were in a coma, they didn’t think you were going to make it and um, dad traded his soul for yours” I tell him, watching as the pain flickers across his face, quickly getting buried under a facade.   
“You and Sam were on a case, and something went wrong, he died, there was nothing you could have done” I tell him gently   
I don’t want to lie to him, but at the same time, I don’t know how to explain the apocalypse to the person who stopped it, and how his baby brother was possessed by Satan and is now in hell with him.   
“There’s always something you can do Tony, there’s always a choice” he tells me as the pain shines through his glistening eyes.   
I decide to take the chance that he won’t reject me, and I drop my arm over his shoulders, pulling his small body into mine. I let out a small sigh of relief as he melts into my side, throwing his arm around my torso and burying his face into my chest.   
I feel a tear roll down my cheek a moment later as his small body shutters and I feel the wetness of his tears seeping through my shirt.   
I’m not sure how much longer it is before I hear the soft footsteps of my boss echo down the hallway, alerting me to his presence a moment before he round the corner, looking over at me and Dean, a look of sadness crossing his face for moment, but it’s gone before I can even be sure that it was there in the first place.   
He just nods at me before crossing the room on silent feet and going into the kitchen, i’m comforted by the sounds of Gibbs making coffee and breakfast in the next room, and by the warmth of the small body next to mine, as we both grieve for the family that we’ve lost.   
I don’t know when exactly I fell asleep, but i’m awoken a few hours later as the small body nestled into mine starts to shift around, slowly bringing me out of the dream I was immersed in moments before.   
I looked around the table at the family before me, watching as my dad smiled happily at my mom, Dean sitting in between me and Sam, all of us laughing at the joke Dean just told.   
Dad hugs Sam and tells him how proud he is that he graduated law school.   
Mom crying with a huge smile on her face as Dean tells her that he proposed to his girlfriend.   
Dad warning me to be careful at my new job, because lord knows how mom always worries about her boys.  
A barbecue where my team finally meets my family.   
Dean opening up a garage.   
Sam opening a law practice.   
Family dinners and barbecues and christmases.  
Dean’s first kid.   
Sam’s wedding.   
Mom and dad’s anniversary.   
I quickly snap myself out of the memories of the dream, the snapshots of a life that was never meant to be, the vivid reality that could have been, but never was.   
I feel eyes on me and I look down to see Dean staring at me with tear blurred eyes, red rimmed and full of pain.   
He looks for a moment longer before pushing himself off of me and standing up, I watch confused as he makes his way into the kitchen, following behind him a moment later.   
When I get to the kitchen I realise why Dean went there first, there is Bacon and Pancakes, and Dean is sitting at the table with a plate of it, staring at Gibbs with a suspicious look, not talking, just staring.   
I quickly take my seat and start talking with Gibbs about random inconsequential topics, just wanting to fill the silence, the silence that Dean is leaving open, that he isn’t filling like he usually does.   
After breakfast Dean goes upstairs to take a shower and put on clean clothes, and Gibbs suddenly turns to me with a sharp look on his face.   
“What’s going on with him?” he asks immediately.   
“I think, I think that he’s doing what he did when mom died, he didn’t uh, he didn’t talk for two years. When something hits him hard, like waking up and learning that your father and brother are dead, he shuts down, he stops talking, he becomes, a shell basically. He goes through the motions of life without interacting with reality, with his life. He asked me about them this morning and then he shut down, I don’t know what to do Gibbs” I told him, getting a bit hysterical by the end, remembering how long it took him to talk the last time he ventured into selective mutism.   
“Well, it seems to me like we have to keep him anchored to the present, we’ll keep talking to him, try and get him to talk back, if that doesn’t work, we try again tomorrow” he tells me calmly, soothing my frazzled nerves.   
“Okay” I answer as the tension deflates from my body.


	29. chapter 29

Tony POV 

When Dean comes back downstairs I go up with my bag in hand, heading straight to the shower.   
When I emerge a few minutes later I venture into Dean’s temporary bedroom, I look behind the door at the hole that sprained his wrist, the bag on the floor that has remained packed since he first arrived here weeks ago. I walk over to the unmade bed, making it up quickly before sitting down, looking around at the things around me, letting it sink in for the first time that this is how Dean has been living, I never really let myself think about what would happen to the two of them after I left, never let myself dwell on the thought that he would probably live out of a duffel bag and in shitty motels for the rest of his life, that he would never put down roots, or even settle down somewhere.   
I knew, that that was the life that we were destined to live, never making real, deep connections, never settling down in a house, with a family.   
I let my head drop and I grieve for the things that my father deprived my brothers of, stability, a house, a normal fucking life.   
Because he could have given us those things, he could have grieved for his wife with his children, like every other person in his position would have, he could have bought a house and sent his kids to school, he could have given us the chance to have friends, and girlfriends, or boyfriends, or whoever the fuck we wanted to date.   
He could have given us the stable home life that we needed after losing our mother, he could have raised us in a healthy environment that wouldn’t have completely and utterly fucked us up, could have given Dean the chance to succeed, to not be so fucked in the head that the logical thing for him to do was to sell his soul for his brother, that he willingly gave up his entire life so that he could help people, that he knew what he wanted to do with his life but instead chose to live on the road, never putting down roots, so that he could take obscure cases and live a life on the run from the cops, even though he was saving lives.   
That is probably the biggest problem I had with my father, aside from the fact that he just decided to quit fatherhood and leave it to us to raise ourselves and each other, to make sure we were each as happy and healthy as we could be.   
But aside from that, it was the fact that he had the chance to do the right thing for us after she died, he had the chance to not fuck us up, and I don’t think he ever intended to do what he did to us, at least not at first, he thought he was just looking into his wife’s murder, and that was okay, we were all grieving for her, but it was after that, when he couldn’t have not realised what was happening, he couldn’t have not realised what he was doing to his children because I told him, I fucking told him what he was doing to us, and he never listened, and he may not have completely fucked me up, and I can’t speak for Sam, but he certainly, and completely fucked Deans life, he made his childhood into something that you couldn’t even call a childhood, he warped Dean’s sense of self worth, with his always comparing him to me, and him always putting Sam’s safety squarely on Dean’s shoulders, like it wouldn’t matter what he had to do, as long as Sammy was safe, and I hate him for it, for what he did to the sweetest little boy I knew, for what he did to my baby brother, because he did one of the worst things a father can do to his son, he mentally scarred him, he fucked his sense of self worth, and he fucked his sense of duty, and he fucked his sense of family.   
And maybe I can’t shake the lingering grief knowing that my father is dead, but I hate him for that too, because he couldn’t even stay around long enough for me to make him see what he did to his son, to make him see the broken man that he created.   
I’m startled out of my thoughts when I feel fingertips brush across my forearm, I snap my head up to see Dean standing in front of me, a look of sadness echoing mine as he looks at me.   
“Do you need something?” I ask, wondering why he came to me.   
I feel a pang of worry when all he does is shake his head, not speaking.   
“How old are you Dean” I ask, hoping he answers a direct question.   
“17” he answers quietly   
“Okay” I breath out, relieved that he will at least talk when prompted.   
I quickly stand up and lead Dean downstairs to the living room, where I see Gibbs sitting on the couch with his coffee.   
“You guys wanna play poker?” I ask, knowing Dean will win.   
“Sure” Gibbs says, and Dean just nods his head.   
I quickly get out the poker chips and a deck of cards setting it all up at the coffee table, and I try to think of topics that will keep Dean talking.   
“Where is the last place you remember being?” I ask as I set up the game.   
“Sonny’s home for delinquent boys” he answers softly   
“What were you doing at a group home Dean?” I ask as I stop my motions   
“The food money that dad left ran out and I got caught stealing bread and peanut butter, Dad told them to leave me to rot in jail, so they sent to me to Sonny’s” he tells us, not looking either of us in the eyes.   
“How long have you been there?” I ask curiously   
“About 2 months so far” he answers   
“Do they actually take care of you there?” I ask   
“Yeah, Sonny’s nice, he makes sure that I go to school and that I eat three meals a day, why?” he asks back, getting more into the conversation the longer we talk.   
“I guess you might not remember it, but for a case when I was 12, dad sent me undercover at a boys home, but they were uh, they were bad people. They used to beat the boys, and they would withhold food and water as punishment for the slightest infraction, I had to stay undercover for 2 weeks but when I got out me and dad sent all the evidence that I had collected on the side to the police, we ganked the ghost and stayed in town long enough to see the fuckers get taken down” I tell them, remembering those two weeks and shivering at the memories.   
“Your dad sent you undercover in a boys home that was abusive?” Gibbs asks angrily.   
“He didn’t know it until I got out with the evidence, he thought it was a regular old group home, I didn’t tell him what they were doing until the case was over and we could take down the home, he would have pulled me otherwise” I rush to reassure him, dad might have been bad, but he wasn’t that bad.   
I see the anger slowly fade from Gibbs eyes as him and Dean sit around the table as I start to deal.   
A few hours later and Dean is finally talking without being prompted again, he has won way too many rounds of poker, and more money than is fair off of me and Gibbs, but it’s still a good day, because he’s talking, and he’s here, and maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad after all.   
At least that’s what I thought until Castiel popped into the kitchen where we were making dinner with an ominous look on his face   
“I’ve got bad news” he says in the stonily calm voice i’ve come to recognise as his.


	30. chapter 30

Tony POV 

“Bad news?” I ask hesitantly, not wanting to know, and yet needing to know at the same time.   
“The witch that put the spell on you Dean, she is dead” he says ominously   
“Jesus christ Cas, you scared the shit out of me because the witch is dead?” I ask, feeling the tight ball of worry in my chest loosen.   
I wish I could take back my words when Cas turns his angry glare onto me, boring into my soul and leaving me feeling exposed.   
“You don’t seem to understand Anthony” he says, contempt coating his words.   
“There were two options to get rid of this curse, one is that Dean will go back to normal when it runs it’s course, and two would be finding the witch and making her fix it. If this is the second type, then it can only be undone by the witch who cast the curse in the first place, so you better hope, for Dean’s sake, that it’s the first kind” he tells me, his intense glare not wavering for a moment.   
I remember to breathe once again when he turns to Dean again.   
“I apologise Dean, the only thing we can do for the moment is to see if this will run it’s course and leave your system, if not we can look into more, extreme remedies” he says before abruptly popping out of the kitchen.   
“Fuck, fuck, shit!” Dean says as he runs his hands through his hair, bringing them down to scrub over his face. A pained expression on his face when he finally quiets down and looks at me.   
“What the fuck am I going to do if i’m stuck like this Tones?” he asks, desperation clear in his voice.   
“You heard Cas, he’ll look into more extreme remedies, and if that doesn’t work, then I guess, I don’t really know” I tell him truthfully.   
“And how many people are going to die in that time Tony?” he asks angrily   
“What?” Gibbs asks from his position over the stove.   
“How many people are going to die because i’m stuck here, fucking useless? How many people are going to die that I could have saved? How many cases am I not finding out about because of this shit?” he rants, obviously upset.   
“God Dean, there isn’t anything you can do about that, it’s not your fault, and there are other hunters out there to pick up the slack” I tell him, hoping to get him to calm down.   
“Is that what you told yourself when you left? That there were other hunters to pick up the slack?” he asks me, his face going red from yelling.   
“Dean” I plead, wanting him to just calm down and not go there.   
“Dean what? Answer me! Is that what you told yourself? There are other people who can die instead of me, there are other people out there to put their lives on the line every fucking day because you want to be normal? It’s bullshit Tony, you have never been normal, and you will never be normal, you’re a fuck up! just like me! you just decided to run from your problems instead of facing them.” he tells me, turning away from me with disgust written all over his face.   
“That’s bullshit and you know it Dean! If this was just about putting my life on the line then I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be a fucking cop! I put my life on the line too, every day, the only thing I was running from was dad and his fucked up ideas on how to raise children, I was running from dad and his fucked up ideas on family, I was running from his expectations and his drinking and his goddamn demands for respect that he didn’t fucking deserve! I was running from dad.” I tell him, trying to hammer it into his thick skull that I wasn’t running from responsibility, I was running from our father, and I was running because I never wanted to become like him and he seemed hellbent on making us carbon copies of him, on some fucking crusade to save the world, not caring who we hurt to get there.   
“And us, Tony, you ran away, and you left me and Sammy in your past, like we didn’t matter, like we didn’t even deserve a fucking phone call, and I get it, i’m a fuck up, it’s what i’m good at, but Sammy? He’s sweet, and smart, and he loved you, and you left him, you didn’t just leave dad, you left us too” he tells me quietly, a single tear rolling down his cheek, and as I look at my baby brother, I see the pain, the hurt, the hate, all reflected in his shining eyes.   
I feel like I just got punched in the stomach, I’ve been able to tell for a while now that Dean had self esteem issues, self worth issues, but I hadn’t realised to what extent until he said those words.   
My baby brother seriously just told me that he was a fuck up but Sammy deserved better, like as if he wasn’t the sweetest, smartest kid I knew, like as if he didn’t deserve every ounce of happiness that he could find. And maybe I never got to see him grow up into a man, but I saw him when he got there, and he was still sweet and smart, he just hid it underneath a few hundred layers of sarcasm and crude humor, a happy go lucky attitude and an asston of anger, but I still saw him, my baby brother was in there, he was just buried under a lifetime of pain and suffering.   
“Jesus christ Dean, you, are not a fuck up, you are a product of your upbringing, and you came out a whole fucking lot better than anyone else in your situation would have, you might have become jaded and callous, but you’re also sweet, and smart, and you are one hell of a hunter, you save lives, and you put yours on the line, you gave up your own dreams so that you could traipse around the country killing monsters who hurt people, you are the least selfish person that I have ever met, and you don’t even know it” I tell him as I kneel down in front of him, resting my hands on his shoulders when he tries to turn away from me.   
“Shut the fuck up Tony” he says with zero heat.   
“No, Dean, I won’t shut up, because you need to hear this. You might not know it yet, but the things you do when you grow up, they are amazing, and they hurt you, so much, but you told me that you wouldn’t change a thing, because you saved lives along the way, even though it shattered you, even though you have nightmares every night, even though it wasn’t fair, even though you shouldn’t have had to do any of it. And that’s not even mentioning when you were a kid. You raised Sammy when I was gone, and you took care of him and dad, and yourself. You protected him, and you always put him first, even though I should have been there to put you first. You helped me keep us afloat from the moment dad checked out, I could never have done half of what I did if I didn’t have you there to help me along the way, you think I could have fed and changed and rocked and burped and soothed Sammy all by myself? I was dead on my feet as it was, you were only 4 when you tried to take on half of the responsibilities, you should have been finger painting and running around at the park, begging for ice cream and throwing a fit when you didn’t get it, instead you were waking up at 3 in the morning to give Sammy his bottle, and you never listened to me when I told you that you should just let me take care of it, you never let me take the responsibility fully onto my shoulders. You were just a child Dean, you shouldn’t have even had to contemplate shit like that, not to mention help me raise a 6 month old baby” I tell him, hoping he actually listens to me.   
“You were only 10 Tony, you shouldn’t have had to do any of that either, it was dad’s job, and if he wasn’t going to do it, then I wasn’t going to let you do it by yourself” he tells me, still refusing to look up from the floor.   
Instead of responding to him, I just pull him into my chest, hugging him and sighing in relief when he actually hugs me back, pushing off my chest quickly and turning around, sniffling and wiping his eyes.   
“I’ve got to go to the bathroom” he says as he bounds up the stairs, not once looking back at me.


	31. chapter 31

Tony POV 

I watch from the corner of my eye as Gibbs opens and closes his mouth a few times before asking the question he’s apparently been wanting to ask.   
“You were 10 when your mom died?” he asks quietly   
“Yeah” I answer as I get up from the floor, washing my hands and going back to chopping.   
“And that’s when your father left you to take care of your brothers?” he continues.   
“Mhm” I answer, not really wanting to talk about this.   
“And Dean was 4, so how old was Sam?” he asks, not paying attention to my ridgid stance and tense muscles.   
“6 months old” I answer softly.   
After that he just goes back to what he was doing, leaving us to prepare our separate parts of the meal in peace.   
A few minutes later Dean comes back from the bathroom with his face clear, if a little red, and goes back to stirring our dinner.   
After dinner i’m playing rummy with Dean while Gibbs is downstairs working on his boat, it suddenly occurs to me that Dean is going to be 12 tomorrow, the year that I left, but I don’t know if he will be before I left or after.   
“Dean” I say, getting his attention.   
“Yeah” he answers, a painfully open expression on his face when he looks up, and I can’t help but think about how rare it was for me to catch a glimpse of him with his guard down, even when we were kids, he was always the best at putting on his mask, and wearing it as long as he deemed necessary.   
I had always envied that about him, but now I realise that it would have saved him a lot of pain if the people around him knew what was going on on his head, instead of thinking that he was invincible, or that he was happy when he wasn’t.   
“Tony” he calls, concern etched into his small face.   
“Mhm” I say, distracted.   
“You were going to ask me something?” he tells me, the concern growing instead of lessening.   
“Sorry, I got a little distracted, yeah, I was wondering how far into the year it was when you were at Sonny’s and then you woke up here? Because you’re going to be 12 tomorrow and, I was just trying to see if it would be before I left, or after” I ask hesitantly, not wanting to upset him with the mention of my leaving.  
“Um, I don’t know, you left in the middle of summer, and it’s about the middle of summer last I remember, so it’ll probably be around the time that you left” he tells me.   
“Speaking of which, we should probably set up that video for tomorrow” he says, obviously trying to change the subject.   
A few minutes later and I have successfully figured out how to set the program up on the laptop.   
“Hey Dean, this is Dean, weird, I know, but i’m here to tell you a fantastical fucked up story, Ready? Probably not, but when have we ever been ready for anything? To start us off, we are 17 right now, but when you are watching this, you are probably 12 right? Yeah, now I don’t know if you are getting spit out before or after Tony leaves, but either way there are a few things you need to know, one, Tony left when we were 12 and he never came back, we found him again when we were 32, two, he seems to have grown up into an alright kinda guy, despite the whole abandonment thing, three, we got whammied by a witch bitch and now we are deaging by about five years, yet oddly enough our body has been that of 6 year old us for a while now. Um, also, dad and Sammy have died in the future, but you don’t need to worry about that for a long time, plus we don’t even know if this whole deaged thing will stick, odds are we are gonna go back to normal, 32, when this whole thing runs it’s course, if not, well, we apparently have an angel looking out for us, who said that he’ll look into more extreme remedies, so either way, we should be good. The people that have been keeping an eye on us aren’t so bad, and I don’t suggest running away, because then the future us’s are left in the dark about what’s going on, we have to be here to make the videos so that we know from our own mouth about what’s going on. Anyway, here is what Tony looks like, just for future reference, because he doesn’t look like that when he leaves. That’s your crash course for today, anything else you need to know can be found by consulting Tony, Good luck Dean” he finishes, spinning the laptop back around to facing him and pushing the button to stop the recording.   
“Do you think I missed anything important?” Dean asks after a moment.   
“No, I think you covered all the important bits” I assure him, standing up and walking to the kitchen, listening as he follows closely behind me.   
When I get there I pull out two mugs, and then all the stuff to make hot chocolate, smiling when I see Dean grin when he realises what i’m making.   
“You used to make that all the time” he comments as he sits down at the table, his legs dangling off the floor.   
“Yeah well, it was one thing I was actually good at making” I tell him.   
“You weren’t a bad cook” he tells me.   
“Yeah, I could make Ramen, mac and cheese, and anything that you had to put on a pan and stick in the oven, oh, and sandwiches and cereal, I could basically cook enough that we didn’t starve on the nights we couldn’t get to a diner” I say, not turning around while I make our drinks.   
“Don’t forget milk bottles for Sammy, and hot chocolate, you can make those too, and badass ice cream sundaes” he tells me, amusement coloring his voice.   
“Yeah, I could make those, and cookies and birthday cake, I could most definitely make those, but I think that’s where my resume ends” I tell him, laughing.   
“Yeah, you were good at cookies” he tells me, walking up beside me to see how the hot chocolate was coming along.   
“I want ma-” I cut him off   
“Marshmallows, sprinkles, chocolate syrup on top and a candy cane in it” I tell him, rattling off his regular order for hot chocolate.   
“Yeah, you, me and Sammy always had the same thing after coming in from playing in the snow” I say, remembering how much fun we always had outside on christmas, even when dad didn’t show up.   
“I know, I still make us that every winter, it’s not the same as yours though” he tells me softly as I hand him his mug.   
When we are both finished with our hot chocolate I send Dean upstairs for bed and then flop onto the couch, trying to stop thinking about how Dean will react tomorrow, especially with him being 12, I still don’t know if he will remember me leaving or if he’s going to not know anything about me leaving, that thought keeps me awake for the next few hours before I finally fall into a restless sleep.


	32. chapter 32

Tony’s POV 

I let out a groan as I roll off the couch, my back cracking in protest. This is the third night that I have crashed on Gibb’s couch and it is slowly breaking my back.   
I realise that this is the first morning that i’m up before Gibb’s and Dean, so I go into the kitchen and start the coffee maker, pulling a box of cereal from the cabinet above my head.   
As I sit down a few minutes later with my Captain Crunch and my coffee I look over to see Dean standing just inside the doorway, his eyes wide and his jaw slack, I freeze with my spoon halfway to my mouth, waiting to see what he does.   
After a few moments he pulls himself together, his mouth closing and his eyes going back to normal, the shock evaporating off his face, his expression now blank.   
“Tony” he states blankly   
“Dean” I greet back, putting my spoon down and facing him.   
“You left” he says   
“How long ago?” I question.   
“2 months” he says, a brief image of anger and hurt flashing behind his eyes.   
“You didn’t answer the phone” he tells me, his mask starting to crumble under the weight of his emotions.   
“I know” I tell him, not quite sure how to answer him at this point.   
“Why?” he asks, his face twisting in anger.   
“Dad, dad wasn’t ever going to let me leave, and I needed out, so I left, and I didn’t mean to leave you like I did, without a clue on how to take care of Sammy, without even saying goodbye to him, I know that it was fucked up that I just left, but it was the only way out that I could see, and I took it, I took it and I left, and I didn’t look back, and I never answered the phone, because you are my brother, and if you had asked me to come back I wouldn’t have been able to say no, and I wouldn’t have been able to leave” I answer him, because after the fifth time that you have to try and explain to your brother why you left, it becomes a little easier to get the words out the way you mean them.   
“Sounds like you’ve had a lot of time to rehearse that” he says bitterly.   
“Yeah well, you were 32 when you finally came across me again, I had a lot of time to think about what I would tell you if you ever found me, not that I thought that I would ever see you again” I tell him.   
“You know dad still hasn’t come home yet? I’m not entirely sure he will” Dean comments, apparently ignoring my statement.   
“What?” I question angrily.   
“He left, and then you left, and dad hasn’t come home, although I suppose if future me knows that he’s dead that he has to come back at some point, right?” he asks   
“Yeah, he comes back” I tell him, my body ridgid, waiting to see what he would do next.   
I’m a little surprised when he just stares at me for a moment, his face revealing nothing once more, before he just nods to himself and walks into the room, picking up a bowl off the table and filling his bowl with cereal, sitting with his back to the wall and with a vantage point of the whole room he starts eating his breakfast.   
Looking at him for a moment longer, I realise that he is done with the conversation and I pick up my spoon once more, eating my breakfast and waiting for Gibbs to come downstairs so that we know what we are supposed to be doing today.   
I see Dean tense as Gibbs’s footsteps sound down the stairs, he looks over to me to see what i’ll do, relaxing slightly when I just nod, letting him know that it’s safe to keep eating.   
Gibb’s is brought up short when he sees both me and Dean sitting at the table eating breakfast together, his shock only lasts a moment before he walks over to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup, leaning against the counter and looking over at the two of us.   
“I’m going into work today, Tim is coming here to help you keep and eye on Dean in case he runs off again” Gibbs says, and I see Dean give him the evil eye when Gibbs says that Tim is coming to keep an eye on him.   
“I don’t need anyone to ‘keep an eye on me’ i’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and Sammy” Dean says, his temper running hot, although I see the flash of uncertainty when he adds the last part.   
“You’re 12” Gibbs says, like as if his reasoning should be obvious.   
“Tony left 2 months ago, at least at my point in time, my dad left when Tony did and still hasn’t been back, i’ve been taking care of me and my 8 year old brother perfectly fine since they left, I think I can handle myself for one day” he tells Gibbs, his lip curling up into a sneer, his grip tightening on his spoon.   
“You are also stuck in a 6 year old body, in an unfamiliar time, and an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people” Gibbs tells him calmly.   
“Sounds pretty fucking normal to me bud, unfamiliar is familiar to me, we move all the damn time, new places, people, and things is getting pretty fucking old” he lectures Gibbs.   
“You know, you say ‘fuck’ a whole lot for a 12 year old” Gibbs comments instead of saying anything back to Dean’s rant.   
“And there’s not a single fucking person around to tell me not to” Dean snaps back.   
“There is now” Gibbs says, his face hardening in the face of 12 year old Dean’s snark, which was at it’s peak when I left.   
I watch in silence as Dean laughs, his face immediately blanking of all humor after the last chuckle leaves his mouth, his eyes cold, his face set in defiance.   
“There are exactly 2 people who can tell me what to do, and they both fucking left, so don’t think that you can just walk into my life and try and tell me what I can and can’t say and do” Dean tells him, his stone mask not wavering for a second as he puts his bowl down, one hand encased in a cast dangling by his side, the other clenched into a fist so tight i’m worried his nails will cut into his skin.   
“Dean” I say, a warning in my voice.   
“What?” he snarls   
“Sit down” I tell him, watching as he stiffly backs up and plants himself in his seat, his eyes glaring daggers at Gibbs the whole way.   
“Eat your breakfast” I tell him as I stand and walk towards Gibbs, following him out of the room as he walks into the living room.   
“What the fuck was that about Gibbs?” I question angrily, not realising that the main reason i’m angry is that he upset Dean.   
“Language Dinozzo” he tells me offhandedly   
“That wasn’t anything Tony, that was Dean getting riled up because I told him that you and Mcgee were watching him today, and you getting riled up because he was upset” Gibbs tells me calmly.   
“I’m no-” i’m cut off by Gibbs   
“Yes, you are, you might not realise it, but the longer Dean is here the more you act like a protective father, the younger he gets the more you act like what I suspect you used to, the more he acts like he did when you were still there, the more you fall into the roles that you had when he was that young, he’s changing you, and it’s not for the worse Dinozzo” Gibbs says as he walks past me, thumping a hand down onto my shoulder as he passes by me back into the kitchen.   
He’s right.


	33. chapter 33

Dean’s POV 

I glare as the man who seems insistent on assigning me a babysitter walks back into the kitchen, a blank stare on his face as he walks over and refills his coffee cup, not looking over at me as he takes his mug and sits down across from me at the table.   
I quickly realise that he isn’t going to say anything so I pick my spoon up again and start eating, slightly relaxing my shoulders when Tony re-enters the room a few minutes later, seemingly lost in thought, he just stares at me for a second before taking his seat next to me and finishing his breakfast.   
“Does Tim know that he’s supposed to be coming over here today?” Tony asks while he puts his bowl in the dishwasher, silently collecting mine as well.   
“I talked to him this morning, he should be here soon” he tells Tony, and it occurs to me that I don’t know this guy’s name.   
“What’s your name?” I ask quietly, when the two of them don’t seem to be continuing their conversation.   
“Gibbs” he tells me, finally casting his gaze my way, an oddly kind look in his eyes that wasn’t there earlier this morning.   
“I don’t need a babysitter Gibbs” I feel the need to reiterate.   
“Too bad it’s not up to you” he comments, sounding for all the world like my father.   
“The fuck it’s not” I mutter under my breath, holding back the urge to smirk when Gibb’s eyes darken, a knowing look entering his eyes.   
I look up to see amusement dancing in Tony’s eyes, he knows I said it on purpose, and he knows that I did it to get a reaction out of Gibbs.   
Just then I hear a knock on the door, causing my body to tense up in preparation for whatever walks through the door.   
When a slightly dorky looking man in a suit that’s too big for him walks through the door my body relaxes without my permission, and a feeling of familiarity, or recognition floods through my body, even though I don’t recognise the man, no matter how much I wrack my brain for some inkling of a memory.   
“Hey Boss, Tony” the man greets, looking over Gibb’s head at me, giving me a small smile and an awkward hand wave in the process.   
“Hey Dean” he says after a moment of silence.   
“I suppose you’re Tim?” I ask, all the while trying to discreetly slide Tony’s mug of coffee close enough to drink it.   
“Yeah” he answers, walking over to coffee pot and pouring himself a cup.   
My head snaps over to where Tony is sitting next to me when I feel resistance on the slow moving cup of coffee, only to see Tony’s hand over the top of the mug, an amused glare sat firmly on his lips.   
“Come on Tony, I need coffee” I try, hoping that begging might do the trick, seeing as asking as well as sneaking hadn’t worked out all that well this morning.   
“You don’t though, you can have tea, water, or juice, i’m not giving you soda, coffee, or booze though” Tony tells me, for the second time this morning.   
“Hey, I haven’t asked for booze” I tell him, affronted “plus, dad said i’m allowed to have coffee now anyway” I argue, seeing as I feel like I haven’t slept in days and I really need something, coffee, to fix that.   
“Yeah, well, I said you aren’t” Tony tells me, a note of finality in his voice.   
“Fine” I mutter, realising that i’m going to have to move onto stealing if this caffeine ban continues though the day.   
“I think our charge might be going a bit stir crazy, I would suggest taking him somewhere for the day” Gibbs says as he gets up, picking up his keys off the counter and rounding the corner with a slightly muffled goodbye as the door slams behind him.   
After an awkward few seconds of the three of us just sitting around looking at each other, Tony breaks the silence.   
“What do you wanna do today D?” he asks, apparently intending to take Gibbs’s advice and get out of the house.   
“I want you to explain why future me told me that angels exist” I tell him, wanting to know what exactly is going on before I do anything else.   
“I don’t really know? I mean, you are kinda the one who broke the news to me that angels exist, there wasn’t that much of an explanation except for you praying to an angel who popped into the room and healed your injuries” Tony tells me, giving me pause.   
I prayed to an angel, who magically appeared in the room, and healed my injuries? Sounds like a load of horseshit.   
“Sounds like a load of horseshit” I tell him, echoing my previous thoughts.   
“Yeah, I would have thought so as well, if I hadn’t seen it myself, not to mention the fact that the he showed up a couple other times to give us news about what was going on with the research end of this” Tony says, still not exactly giving me any proof about angels existing, although I suppose it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.   
“Alright.. I suppose it doesn’t really matter” I tell him, watching as Tim gives me a funny look.   
“So is there anything you want to do today?” Tony asks again.  
“Library?” I ask hesitantly, I haven’t gotten to go to the library since Tony left, I was too busy taking care of Sammy and trying to get enough money to hold us over until dad came back.   
“Yeah, of course” Tony answers, shooting a grin my way.   
“I’m gonna go get dressed” I tell them before walking out of the kitchen and upstairs.   
When I collected my clothes I made my way to the shower, cleaning up quickly and then bounding back down the stairs 15 minutes after I walked up them.   
“Hey Tony, i’m ready to go” I tell him as I walk into the kitchen.   
“Okay, i’m gonna go take a shower real quick, i’ll be back in a bit” he tells me, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Tim.   
Realising that this is my chance to acquire some of the coveted caffeine i’ve been looking for all morning, I just have to distract Tim long enough to get my hands on it.   
As i’m wracking my mind for plausible ways to get Tim to leave the room long enough for me to get my coffee, he stands up and tells me that he has to go to the bathroom.   
I hide my smirk as I watch him leave the room, jumping up as soon as I hear the door close behind him, I climb onto the counter and grab a mug from the top cabinet, filling it to the brim with coffee.   
I carefully climb down, careful not to knock into the mug on the counter next to me, when i’ve successfully made it to the floor I reach up a ways and pull the coffee down into my waiting hands.   
When it stops sloshing around in the cup I bring it to my mouth, almost moaning as the hot coffee slides down my throat, and I can almost feel the caffeine take ahold of me, as I bring the cup away from my mouth with a contented sigh.   
I’m about halfway done with my coffee when Tim walks back into the room, a disapproving glare aimed at me when he sees the mug held tightly in my hands.   
“Dean, you are not allowed to have coffee” he reprimands, reaching over to take the mug from me, but I smoothly dodge to the side, not letting the coffee spill.   
This continues for another ten minutes, me dodging Tim and stealing sips of coffee in between ducking and running, the battle was fought throughout the entire ground floor of the house, and was only ceased when Tony came down the stairs and spotted me diving under Tim’s legs with the coffee cradled safely in my outstretched hands, my torso breaking the fall so as not to spill the precious liquid in the mug.  
“Fuck!” I curse as Tony reaches forward and pulls the mug out of my hand while i’m laying on the floor, trying to untangle my leg from where it got caught on the coffee table’s leg.   
Only after i’m standing upright and Tim is sitting on the couch panting for breath does Tony open his mouth.   
“Are you ready to go now Dean?” he asks, a disappointed look on his face as he holds my coffee hostage in his hands.   
“Yeah” I mumble as I look down at the floor.   
“Let’s go” he tells me as he walks into the kitchen, pouring my coffee down the drain, despite my protests.   
A few minutes later and the three of us are in Tony’s car on our way to the library, Tim shooting me suspicious glares the whole way to the car.


	34. chapter 34

Tony’s POV 

I glance up to the mirror to check on Dean, who is sitting in his seat with a malicious grin aimed at Tim, who’s head is turned to stare at him with a suspicious look, this is the third time i’ve caught them doing this, and we’ve only been in the car for 15 minutes, and they call me the childish one.   
“Tim” I call out, hitting him lightly on the shoulder as he narrows his eyes on Dean’s smirking face.   
“What?” he says as he turns to face forwards once more.   
“Cut the shit” I tell him.   
He opens his mouth to respond, but must realise how idiotic he’s acting, and closes it immediately after he opens it.   
I turn the radio on, hoping to discourage anymore idiocy between Dean and Tim, who don’t seem to have gotten off on the right foot.   
A few minutes later I swerve a bit when Dean shoots forward from his seat and reaches forward to mess with the radio, startling both me and Tim.   
“Dean!” I yell, causing him to shoot me an unimpressed look.   
“What the fuck are we listening to?” he asks me, still leaned forward with his hands messing with the radio.   
“Today’s hits” I tell him, reaching a hand back and shoving him into his seat by his stomach.   
“Put your seatbelt on” I tell him, pissed off.   
“Put some good music on” he retorts.   
“Dean” I growl, a definite warning in my tone.   
“You left, you can’t tell me what to do anymore, and if i’m listening to future me, and what you told me, you don’t come back, I find you when i’m 32 fucking years old, so don’t tell me what to do” he snarls out, anger permeating his voice and twisting his features.   
I went to argue back but I realised that he was right, I left and I don’t have the authority to tell him what to do anymore, I forfeit that right when I walked out the door and ditched my phone.   
I let out a deep sigh, reaching into the glove compartment and pulling out a CD book, tossing it back to Dean and letting him pick the music.   
I grinned as he handed forward my Black Sabbath CD, I spun the dial so that the music was blasting through the speakers, making Tim cringe and Dean grin.   
As the first notes to ‘Iron Man’ blast through the speakers I roll the windows down, grinning along with Dean, both of us belting out the lines, getting odd looks from the people outside at red lights, and from Tim.   
20 minutes later we pull up outside the library, and as soon as the car rolls to a stop Tim reaches forward and turns the music down to a more normal level.   
I revel in the ringing in my ears as the three of us climb out of the car, closing the doors and making our way up the steps and into the library.   
As soon as we’re inside Dean looks up at me for a moment and upon seeing my nod he takes off into the shelves.   
“Are we just gonna let him…? “ Tim lets the question trail off.   
“He’ll find us once he has his books” I tell him, already falling back into the familiar patterns I was used to when I was still with my family, travelling the country and hunting monsters.   
About a half hour later I have a small stack of books in front of me, Tim is sitting a few feet away from me with his laptop open in front of him when Dean comes half walking half stumbling into my eyesight with a stack of books tall enough that he’s having trouble keeping them balanced.   
“Woah” I exclaim as I stand up and take the books out of his small arms.   
“How many books are these?” I ask him, watching as a small blush creeps across his cheeks.   
“17, I told you that I hadn’t gotten to the library since you left, at least half of them are parts of series that I had started but I didn’t get a chance to finish, some of them are on Angel lore, and some of them just looked interesting” he tells me, his tone falling on the defensive side.   
A few hours later and Tim found himself a book to read and i’ve finished 2 books in my stack, Dean is curled up in the little reading nook he found in the corner of our secluded section of the library and is sleeping with three books all open in various positions around him and on top of him, one on his chest, another open over his leg and the last one is tucked next to his head, being the only thing preventing his head from twisting to an odd angle while he sleeps.   
The rest of his books are stacked neatly against the wall next to the nook, when I look back over to see what Tim is doing I find him looking at me.   
“What?” I ask when I see the thoughtful expression on his face.   
“You really do love him don’t you” he comments.   
“He’s my baby brother, I took care of him and Sammy from the time I was 10 years old until I turned 18, I knew everything about them, we did everything together, they were my best friends, but more importantly, they were like my kids, I had to be a mother, and a father, and everything in between, because that’s what they needed, and come hell or high water, I was going to make sure that they grew up to be good people, that they knew right from wrong, and that family was important, because they are the people you rely on when shit goes south, but also that family don’t end in blood, cause if it did, the three of us would have been up shit’s creek without a paddle a long time ago” I tell him, making sure to keep my voice low.   
“What do you mean? That the three of you would have been up shit’s creek without a paddle? I thought it was just you guys and your dad” he asks.   
“I wasn’t alone the whole time, I had a support system, however spread out it was. I had Bobby, and Pastor Jim, and Caleb, and a few other people who helped me out along the way, and they were all family, it didn’t matter that none of us were related by blood, we were family, and family sticks together.” I tell him, watching as he takes in everything i’m saying.   
“You know, you act like a child a lot of the time, and everyone treats you the way that they do, because of the way that you act, but since Dean showed up i’ve been getting the feeling that it all really is an act” Tim says quietly.   
I took a moment to think of how I wanted to respond to that before opening my mouth.   
“It is, and it isn’t, it’s true that I could be more mature, and I could act more like an actual adult, but the truth is I don’t want to, I wasn’t allowed to act like a kid when I was a kid, I had to make sure that they were taken care of, and that they got to daycare and school, and I had to get myself to school, I had to make breakfast and lunch and dinner and help them with their homework, and I had to get laundry done and keep the shitty fucking motel room clean, and I also wanted them to not hate the way they were living, I wanted them to have fun, and go to the park and the library and birthday parties, and have christmas, and on top of that I had to keep them safe and train to be a hunter, and I fought with my dad every step of the way. I would not change anything that I did when I chose to raise them, because the responsibility fell to me, and they tried their best to not let it all fall on my shoulders, and because of that, none of us really got to be kids, we never did things the way other kids did them, we didn’t have a house, or a trailer, or a permanent fucking home, no matter how much we wanted to. And believe me, I know that I act like a child when i’m around you guys, but it’s because I know that I can, I know that I can brush things off and it isn’t going to come back to harm my baby brothers, I can whine about things without worrying about being strong for the people looking up to me, I act like a child, because I know that me doing so isn’t hurting people” I tell him, not realising how much it lifted the weight off my chest to talk about my childhood, to not lie to them anymore.   
“Goddammit Tony” Tim mutters   
“You know I asked Abby about it once, why you acted the way that you do, she told me that you had always been like that, but it still always struck me as odd, because sometimes you would shove away the childish behavior and it seemed like you were this whole other person underneath, but I never understood why someone in your position would choose to act like a kid, to have people think of you as just this dumb cop, when you weren’t Tony, because when it matters, you’re mature, and you know how to lead people, and you aren’t just some dumb, childish, asshole cop who somehow made his way to NCIS” Tim says seriously, his face still betraying how buried in thought he was.   
“Yeah, well, I can be Tony Winchester when it matters, but I like being Tony Dinozzo” I answer.


	35. chapter 35

Tony’s POV 

After Tim got the answers he was looking for he went back to his book and I went back to mine, but the quiet didn’t last for much longer after that.   
I was another few pages into my book when I looked up to see Dean’s face twisted in fear, a tear escaping his eyes and running down his cheek, he started to thrash around, slowly at first but quickly started to look like he was fighting someone, or something.   
I rushed over to him, catching Tim’s attention on my way, I quickly reached out and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him until his eyes finally opened, the unshed tears making his eyes look bigger and greener.   
“Dean, hey, are you alright?” I asked, helping him sit up so that he was facing me, Tim standing closely behind me.   
“I had a nightmare” he tells me in a small voice, so different from the hard angry tone he had a few hours ago in the car, this one is scared and vulnerable.   
“What about?” I ask, not knowing what he’s going to tell me, he used to have nightmares about mom, but they stopped by the time he was 10.   
“At first it was the regular nightmares, the one about mom dying, but then it got darker and hotter and there were things torturing me, and it hurt Tony” Dean tells me, stopping speaking when his voice cracks on my name.   
“Shit buddy, I didn’t think you still had the nightmares about mom” I say, trying to distract him from the fact that i’m pretty sure he just had a nightmare about hell, even though he’s supposed to be 12 right now.   
“They started up again when you left” he tells me, dropping his head so that he’s looking at the floor and not me.   
“Fuck” I mutter under my breath, feeling like I just got sucker punched in the gut.   
“M’ fine” Dean mutters quietly before settling back down in the nook and picking up one of the books that was on top of him.   
“You sure” I ask, concerned.   
“I’m fine Tony” he says, his voice now back to the slightly pissed tone that it was earlier.   
“Yeah” I agree, even though I don’t really think he’s fine, even though i’m pretty fucking certain that it’s been a long time since he’s been ‘fine’   
When he doesn’t look back up at me after a moment I stand and go back to the table, sitting down and watching as Tim follows suit.   
“Hell?” he asks quiet enough that Dean can’t hear us.   
“That’s what it sounds like” I respond.   
“But I thought he was supposed to be 12 mentally, he shouldn’t be able to have nightmares about something that happened when he was an adult” Tim points out.   
“I know, but witchcraft is an odd science, it could just be that some powerful memories from when he’s an adult seep through when he’s sleeping” I tell him, trying to remember everything that dad taught me about witches when I was younger.   
“I guess that makes sense” Tim says, a thoughtful expression on his face.   
“Keep an eye on him, i’ve got to make a call” I tell him, pulling my phone out of my bag and shoving it in my pocket.   
When Tim nods at me I cast one look back at Dean, only to see him fully engaged in his book before I make my way out of the library.   
When i’m standing outside behind the library I pull something else out of my pocket, a packet of cigarettes, I light one up as I pull out my phone and dial Bobby’s number, cursing when he doesn’t answer.   
I had started smoking when I was 13 and decided to quit before I tried to become a cop, I only smoke now when i’m stressed out, and I believe this counts as stressed.   
I finish my cigarette I throw put it out against the cement wall behind me and then make my way back inside.   
When I get back inside I flop down onto the plush chair at the table, dropping my head into my hands and closing my eyes, trying to tune out the world right now.   
The stress of all of this, my childhood, everything that haunted my childhood coming back to fuck with my brother, everything, it’s getting to me.   
I feel a small hand come to rest on my back and immediately recognise Dean simply from the scent of leather and engine grease, even after countless showers, i’m fairly certain it’s branded into his skin by now.   
After a few moments of silence I hear him speak up.   
“I thought you quit” he says softly, and I open my eyes to see him shifting from leg to leg, apparently restless after his nap.   
I pick my head up to look at him, ignoring the questioning look on Tim’s face and answering Dean.   
“I did” I say   
“I can smell it on you” he tells me, and I can hear the accusation below the calm of his voice, he was pissed when I started smoking, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it, I never smoked around Dean or Sam, and it calmed me.   
“It’s only sometimes when i’m stressed Dean” I tell him tiredly.   
“Whatever” he mutters, walking back to his reading nook and sitting down again.   
After a few minutes Tim speaks up.   
“What’s he talking about Tony?” he asks when I don’t respond to his questioning stares.   
“I smoke when i’m stressed” I tell him.   
“Why?” he asks, incredulous.   
“I picked up the habit when I was a kid” I answer shortly, not wanting to continue talking about my past.   
“How young?” he asks next, oblivious to my thin patience.   
“13” I answer truthfully, not expecting the reaction I get.   
“What?!” he says, much louder than appropriate for the library.   
“Who the hell let you start smoking at 13 Tony, how did you even get into that?” he asks, apparently upset at my lingering bad habits.   
“Some other kids at a motel we were staying at got me into it, my dad knew but he didn’t exactly care, Dean tried to get me to stop but I didn’t want to” I tell him, the anger seeping out of my body when faced with his concern.   
I watch as Tim’s face contorts in anger “I hate your dad” he mutters angrily.  
“You’re not the only one” I mutter, looking at Dean as I say this, knowing that he’s listening to us.   
“I don’t hate dad, neither do you, you’re just angry” Dean defends, just like he used to when we were kids.   
“But I do, I hate that he makes us live in motels, out of fucking duffel bags, that he doesn’t care when you get amazing grades, I hate that he doesn’t care enough about Sammy to stick around long enough to raise him, I hate that he drinks, I hate that he is so fucking focussed on revenge that he neglects us, I hate the way he put Sammy’s life above your’s ever since mom died, I hate that he raised us like soldiers, I hate that he fucked us up so bad that there is no chance in hell of any of us ever being normal, I hate him, because he is the reason that I left you and Sammy, I hate him, and the only reason he was upset that I was leaving was because he was losing a good hunter who would help find the demon that killed mom” I rant, each sentence becoming sharper and making me angrier as I remember everything that dad did to us, and everything that he didn’t do for us.   
I watch as Dean sits there, his eyes wide and concern tattooed into his features.   
“M’ sorry Tony” he says quietly, gracefully sliding down off the nook and walking over to me, wrapping his small arms around my torso and squeezing.   
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for D” I mumble into his hair, holding him to my chest and letting the tension seep out of my body.   
“That’s been a long time coming” Tim says softly.   
Yeah, it has. I silently agree.


	36. chapter 36

Tony’s POV 

A few hours later Gibbs called and told me that everyone was going to his house after they left work, and I decided that we should probably leave soon, especially considering that Dean still needs to make his video and eat dinner.   
I walked back into the library to gather Tim and Dean and all of the books, but I was met with a napping Dean and Tim, Dean admittedly more adorable than Tim, so I took pity on him and went to wake Tim first.   
“Tim, wake up, it’s time to go” I tell him quietly, not wanting to wake Dean.   
“What?” he mumbles tiredly.   
“You fell asleep man, must be all the sitting we did today” I tell him teasingly.   
“Dean?” he asks, snapping his head around to make sure he was still where he was when he fell asleep, and I watched his features soften as he glimpsed Dean sleeping, in his six year old body, without a nightmare currently plaguing him, he looks like any other adorable sleeping kid. He looks like he used to, before mom died, before dad hopped the crazy train, before monsters and hunting, he looks peaceful and almost, happy.   
When Tim is more coherent I send him to the front to check out our books and bring them to the car, once he walks off I walk over to Dean, shaking his shoulder and smiling when he just groans and tries to turn away from me.   
A few more tries later and he still refuses to admit that he’s not sleeping, a stubborn slackness to his body, no matter how many times I shake him and tell him to stop pretending to sleep.   
I watch as his lips twitch as he tries to stop himself from smiling.   
“You little shit” I mutter, amusement coloring my tone.   
I stop trying to ‘wake him up’ and just look at him for a few seconds, and I realise something, he’s small, six years old small.   
With a wicked grin I reach down and pick him up like I used to for Sammy, and I feel his body shake with silent laughter as he still leaves his body slack, the deadweight still light enough for me to comfortably carry him.   
“Asshole” I say lightly, a grin tugging onto my lips.   
“Dipshit” he says back, his words muffled in my neck, where his head has come to a rest.   
I hitch him up higher on my hip and start back to the car, running into Tim on my way out the door, waving at the librarian as I exit.   
“I was wondering where you were” he explains as he holds the door open for me and Dean to exit.   
“He still sleeping?” Tim questions as we walk to the car.   
“No, he’s pretending, probably didn’t want to walk” I tell him when he looks like he’s going to question me.   
“He looks like he’s asleep” Tim says, looking at me disbelievingly.   
“He’s not, just a good actor” I tell him, once again hitching Dean up higher so that he doesn’t start to slip.   
When we get to the car I wait for Tim to open the door before bending over and sliding Dean into the seat, keeping a hand on his chest to keep him from slumping over, and I reach around him for the buckle, strapping him into the seat and looking at the smile slowly tugging it’s way onto his face. Shaking my head at his stubbornness I make my way around to the front of the car and slide in, starting the engine and turning the music on, looking in the mirror as Dean straightens and picks his head up, opening his eyes and grinning at me in the mirror.   
I look over at Tim and he looks over at me with his eyes wide, looking between me and Dean a few times before sticking with looking at me.   
“How did you know he wasn’t sleeping, he looked like a sleeping kid” Tim tells me, disbelief coloring his tone.   
“I’m the one that taught him how to lie, and act, i’m also the only one he had trouble lying to when we were kids” I tell him, pulling out of the parking lot and into the street.   
“Books?” I ask, looking around and not seeing them.   
“Trunk” he answers.   
A while later and we pull up into Gibbs’s driveway, me and Tim get out of the car and Tim moves to the trunk, gathering books in his arms, and I bend down by Dean’s window, looking through and seeing Dean once again slumped in his seat, head lulled to the side and a peaceful slack look on his face.   
I sigh, fond exasperation flooding through me as I open his door and lean over to unbuckle him, scooping him up into my side once more, his head lolled onto my shoulder with his face pressed into my neck, I kick the door closed gently and turn around to see Tim looking at me with a look a can’t quite decipher, but after a moment he turns around and leads the way to the front door.   
I hear the sound of voices and laughing coming from the kitchen as Tim opens the door, holding it for me to walk through with a ‘sleeping’ Dean in my arms.   
I walk into the kitchen and roll my eyes as Abby coos at Dean and Gibbs pulls out the chair next to him.   
I walk over and set Dean in the chair, standing behind him and holding him up with a hand on his chest while I wait for the inevitable to happen, and after a few second Dean straightens and opens his eyes, causing confused looks to fly around the room.   
I open my mouth to explain before any of them can ask what the magical awakening trick is.   
“He has been pulling this since he was 2, he started with mom and slowly but surely moved his way along to me and dad, I like to call it ‘how long can Dean’s feet not touch the floor’ he pretends to fall asleep and refuses to ‘wake up’ until one of us picks him up and carries him wherever he needs to go, and he continues this until someone won’t pick him up, he did it until he was 8 and he was too big for me to pick him up, and then he taught Sammy, who happened to love being carried around all the time, the only plus was the muscles I gained from carrying children around all day” I explain, shooting Dean a glare in response to the carefree grin he shoots my way.   
“Oh please, you loved the attention you got, all the girls, and some guys, thought you were fucking adorable carrying around your sleepy little brother” Dean comments, and he isn’t wrong, they thought it was just so sweet when I would pick up Sammy and carry him around, whether it was at the park or a diner or when I picked him up from school.   
“You, might have a point, but that’s not to say that my back didn’t suffer from carrying around eight year old you around everywhere” I tell him, pointing my fork in his direction before twirling the spaghetti around it once more, shoving it into my mouth, and making sure Dean ate his too.   
“What’s his record?” Tim asks curiously as his eyes bounced between the two of us.   
“2 days when he was 3, he didn’t even have to pretend to be sleeping, he would just pout and make like he was gonna cry and we all caved, he was too fucking cute for his own good at 3” I tell them, directing my accusing tone at Dean.   
“Yeah, a lot cuter than you” he snarks back with a smirk.   
“Hey! I was a whole lot cuter than you at three” I defend   
“Is that so? I’ve seen the pictures…” Dean trails off, amusement dancing in his eyes.   
“Really? The one picture that survived the fire? The one where I have spaghetti dumped over me with the bowl on my head? I’m pretty sure no one looks cute like that” I tell him indignantly.   
“No, the one in dad’s wallet” Dean says, the amusement no longer as prevalent behind his eyes.   
“What?” I ask, not knowing what picture he’s talking about.   
“It’s of you and mom, you guys were going down the slide together at the park, you’re grinning like a madman and mom’s laughing, dad had it in his wallet” Dean tells me quietly.   
“Oh” I say, pushing a forkful of noodles into my mouth while I think. I had no idea that dad kept a picture of me in his wallet, although it could just be because it was one of the only ones with mom in them that survived the fire.   
“He might have been a shit dad Tony, but he did love you” Dean tells me, his eyebrows furrowing and his lips drawing down, his eyes practically begging me to believe him.   
“Yeah, maybe” I mutter, putting down my plate and excusing myself with the excuse of going to the bathroom, although no one believes me.   
Did dad really miss me?


	37. chapter 37

Dean’s POV 

After we all finished eating Tony made me go change into my pajamas, and then he finally let me downstairs again.   
“Why did I have to go change?” I ask, annoyed.   
“Because, you do this thing where you fall asleep and then I have to put you into your pajamas and put you to bed, and I figured we could get a jump on the pj thing before you fall asleep this time.” Tony tells me, his eyes sparkling in amusement.   
I should be more angry than I am, knowing what I know, that he doesn’t actually come back for me and Sammy, but I can’t help but enjoy the time with him.   
The last few months before he left he seemed weighed down, he didn’t smile and laugh nearly as much as he usually does, and even when he does now it’s faked and forced.   
I thought he would pick up the phone, Tony had never broken a promise before then, he made sure that if he said he would do something, that he did it. I was pissed, but most of all I was hurt, he left me, and he didn’t even have the decency to make sure that we were alright without him, for all he knew I could have started a fire and burned down our motel, I could have forgotten to pick Sammy up from school or not paid enough attention and gotten us killed by a monster.   
I wanted him to come back, to me and Sammy, ‘cause I don’t know how to take care of me, let alone me and Sammy, no matter how much I wanted it to seem like I could, I was floundering, left in the lurch with no way to catch up before I messed up.   
And I have, it’s been two months, and I have fucked up so many times, it isn’t even funny. I’m scared that one day i’m going to mess up and Sammy is going to get hurt, that i’ll do what I do best and fuck up, and it will come back to bite Sammy on the ass.   
Two months and i’m still unsure about what foods to buy at the store, or what laundry detergent we should use, I still suck at trying to make the money we do have last, and what to spend it on so that Sammy doesn’t end up going hungry. Which I haven’t let happen, no matter how many nights I did, it doesn’t matter, because Sammy was fed, and he was clean, and he got to school everyday.   
He might not be happy, and he might miss Tony, who is essentially his dad, but he is safe, and he has a full belly at night, and that’s the best I can do for him, I can sing him to sleep and I can rock him in my lap when he has nightmares, but I will still never be Tony, I will never be able to raise him like Tony raised me.   
I can talk to him when he cries because he misses T, I can punch his bully square in the jaw, and I can take him to the park. I can try my best to do everything that Tony did for us, for me, but I will never measure up, I will never be able to fill his shoes.   
I look up then, and I see Tony grinning with Gibbs and Tim next to him, Tim laughing at Tony’s joke and fond exasperation shining in Gibbs’s eyes, and it’s the happiest i’ve seen him since 3 months before he left.   
I feel the familiar anger wash through me, quickly followed by hurt and loneliness, and I bring my hand up to rub at the ball of tension that sits in my chest, the ball that’s been there for two months and only loosens and tightens, never fully unraveling.   
I watch as Tony interacts with his new family, and the ball grows tighter, because it hurts, to see him so happy when I know that the only way he got here was for me and Sammy to suffer, he worked to get here, happy and content, while I stayed in shitty motels, and I sung Sammy to sleep and then cried myself to sleep, wishing with everything inside of me that he would pick up the goddamn phone so that I could beg him to come home, so that I didn’t have to do this anymore, because it was crushing me, and I didn’t want the responsibility, because I am so scared that I am going to fuck Sammy up so badly nobody will be able to fix it, because that’s what I do, I fuck things up, and I try to fix them, but I always make it worse.   
Today, I tried to be angry, I tried to hate Tony, but everytime I look at him, all I can see is every time he picked me up and dusted me off, every time he told me it would be alright, every time he sung me happy birthday because dad wasn’t there, every time he defended me at school, every time he was there for me, ever since I can remember, from before mom died and out lives went sideways, Tony has always been there for me.   
And I can’t bring myself to hate him, and all I feel is relief, because Tony is here, and he always takes half the weight from me, and he makes me laugh, and he takes care of me, like I know that dad should have.   
I missed him, more than I hated him for leaving, more than I resented him breaking his promise, more than I hated seeing every single tear roll down Sammy’s face because he missed his T.  
I missed him, and i’m I am so fucking angry at myself for how easily I let my anger go, how quickly I forgot about the anxiety and the tears, all because he was here again and he was taking care of me.   
All because he is my brother and my parent, and he didn’t have to be, he could have said fuck it and let us all fend for ourselves, he could have said he wasn’t capable of being a parent to a fuck up and a baby, but he didn’t, and I hate him for it, because it would be so easy to reject him, to loathe him, if he wasn’t the person that he is, if he didn’t put everything he had into being there for me and Sammy, I could hate him like I want to.   
Instead I have only myself to blame, I should have realised sooner that he didn’t plan to stick around, that he wanted to go live his own life, and he couldn’t drag me and Sammy along, I should have known what was coming, and I should have been prepared for it, everyone always leaves me anyway, I shouldn’t have foolishly believed that Tony would be any different.   
Mom left me, Dad checked out in the parenting department, even if he still gave us money and showed up every couple weeks to move us and find a new hunt. Tony left me, and the only reason that Sammy hasn’t left me is because he’s too young to do it, he’s too young to understand that he should follow behind everyone else and bail, that there is something inside me that makes people leave, and that he needs to leave too.   
It’s only a matter of time, but until then, I can keep him safe, and I can try to make him happy, and when he leaves, i’ll expect it, and maybe it won’t hurt as much as the ones before him.   
I feel my lips tugging down into a frown as my mind pulls back and forth, hating Tony, understanding Tony, missing Tony. Feeling bad for myself, hating myself. Back and forth, unsure who to blame for the feelings, for the anger and the pain, was it my fault? Or his?   
I draw in a hiss of air as the sting of missing skin jarrs me, and I look down to see that I had unknowingly pulled off a piece of skin against my nail while I was thinking, and I squeeze my finger, watching the blood pool on my skin, bringing it to my lips after a moment and keeping it there as I waited for the metallic taste to fade from my mouth before I withdraw my finger.   
I flinch slightly when I feel a weight dip the couch i’m sitting on, looking over to see Tony sitting next to me with a band-aid in his hands, and concern etched into his features.  
I watch as he pulls my hand away from my mouth and dries it with a paper towel, spraying antiseptic on the cut that’s deeper than I thought, he dries that from around the cut as well before before wrapping the bandage around my thumb, a frown settling onto his face.   
And as I lay in bed that night, I decide, it’s not Tony. Tony is here, and he’s still fixing things that I break, even my own skin, and he cares about me, and yet I still make him frown, when moment’s before he was grinning and laughing with his new family, his real family.   
As I drifted off into oblivion that night, it was with those thought’s still floating through my mind, but I had the peace of knowing who was to blame, and it wasn’t Tony.


	38. chapter 38

Tony’s POV 

I turned to look at Gibbs as I walked down the stairs after putting Dean to bed, and i’m relieved when the same concerned look that’s on my face is on his. Dean was acting strange, he looked lost in thought and then he was picking at his nails until he bled.   
“Do you-” I ask, cut off when Gibbs shrugs his shoulders.   
“I don’t know Tony, he seemed fine until he didn’t” Gibbs says, which honestly isn’t very helpful.   
“He seemed fine at the library today Tony” Tim says, obviously catching onto what me and Gibbs were talking about.   
“That’s the thing, he could seem fine and really be tearing himself apart on the inside. I mean, he always sucked at expressing his feelings, especially after mom died, and training to be a fucking soldier at 5 years old definitely didn’t help” I comment spitefully, the old anger showing through in my voice.   
“Oh Tony, i’m so sorry your dad did that to you guys” Abby tells me, her concern for me showing in her voice.   
“Yeah, well, at least I was lucky enough to be 12 when he started training me, although I guess that also explains why Dean was a better hunter than me” I say with no small amount of bitterness in my voice, and not because Dean was a better hunter than me, but because of why he was a better hunter than me.   
“Are you actually admitting that someone was better than you at something?” Tim teases, obviously trying to lighten the mood.   
“Yeah, he was honestly an amazing hunter, he could shoot better than my father, he beat me at hand to hand almost every time, and weapons, jesus, he was amazing with weapons, every single one that was put in his hand he was able to master in a few days. You know, he would have been a great cop, he recognised patterns before I even knew there was a pattern to find, and he was damn smart, even though the only thing dad ever praised him on was his fighting and shooting. And yeah some of that can be attributed to the fact that he started learning this at 5, but a lot of it was just him, he was everything that you would look for in a great cop, but it just happened to be directed towards hunting. And hunting is a job that happens to always be short staffed, but I wish that he was never involved in it, I wish that he grew up normal and became a cop, because no matter how many risks a cop has in his day to day life, it’s increased hundreds of times over when you’re a hunter, you don’t get paid, usually the cops are looking for you, and let’s not forget the monsters!” I say, cutting myself off when I feel the manic laughter building up in my chest, and I know that that won’t lead to anything good.  
I take a deep breath as I feel Gibbs’s steadying hand settle on my shoulder.   
“You know, I always tried to not think about my childhood, but Dean being here, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and I guess I never realised how legitimately fucked up my childhood was” I say, closing my eyes and trying to calm the fuck down.   
“It’s not your fault Tony” Tim tells me quietly   
“I know, but it still feels like it, I knew that leaving them was wrong, I knew that the way we grew up wasn’t anything near normal, I knew that dad wasn’t really dad anymore, I knew that leaving them there would result in them becoming hunters, I knew, and I didn’t do anything to stop it” I rant, sitting down on the couch and digging the heel of my hands into my eyes, watching the fireworks that resulted and trying to calm down.   
I tuned everyone out and when I opened my eyes a while later I was relieved to see that it was just me and Gibbs in the room.   
“I figured you would probably rather not deal with this with them here right now” he says after a few moments of silence.   
“I fucked them up Gibbs, and they weren’t even mine to fuck up” I tell him, my voice coming out rough.   
“You didn’t fuck them up, you tried, and you did a hell of a lot better than anyone else in your position would have, you did good Tony” he says, his blue eyes boring into my soul and forcing me to listen to him.   
“Yeah, maybe” I concede, not really believing it.   
He stands up a few minutes later and throws the blanket and pillow at me that were behind his seat.   
“Get some sleep Tony, you’re gonna need it for tomorrow” he says, walking past me and to the door to the basement.   
He pauses with his hand on the handle though and looks back at me.   
“You’re a good brother Tony” he says, and I can hear it in his voice that he wants me to believe him.   
“It’s debatable” I mutter under my breath, but going by the defeated sigh that comes from his direction, he heard me.   
“Goodnight Tony” he says as he closes the door behind him.   
I quickly make the couch, settling down and falling asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.   
It feels like i’ve been asleep for about five minutes when I feel someone staring at me.   
I open my eyes to see Dean standing a few feet away from me, his confused eyes fixated on my face.   
“Dean?” I say, sitting up and looking outside to see the little bit of sunlight peeking through the trees outside. Morning, he’s not 12 anymore.   
“Hey buddy, it’s me, Tony, did you watch the video this morning?” I ask.   
He shakes his head at me, his eyes widening when I tell him that i’m Tony.  
I see him finch slightly when I stand up and start to walk towards him.   
“Hey D, it’s okay, it’s me, the video will explain everything you need to know, so we can just go upstairs and i’ll watch with you?” I say, phrasing it like a question, giving him the sense of control in our interaction.   
He hesitates for a moment and then slowly nods his head, giving me the go ahead to continue towards him again.   
When i’m in front of him I hold out my hand, watching as he considers his options before taking it, looking up at me with an odd combination of trust and wariness.   
When we make back to the guest room I see the laptop unopened on the end of the bed, and so I walk to the bed and lean down, lifting Dean up onto the bed before hopping up myself, settling down next to him I get the laptop and put it on my lap, opening up the video and hitting play.   
“Hey Dean, you are probably gonna be about 6 or 7 when you watch this, and that also means that you won’t be talking, and that’s okay, you talk when you want to talk, okay? Okay. Well, there are a few things you need to know, one, this guy” the camera pans to me from last night “is Tony, our brother. You see what happened is that we got whammied by a witch, and now we have been deaged, that’s why you think you were somewhere else yesterday and now you are here, and yes it is a bit jarring especially because Tony is looking like an old fucker” Dean laughs at his joke although he sobers quickly “so the people you are with are pretty good people, they’ll take care of you while you’re here, and you do need to stay there, you can’t run off and try to find Sammy or dad, you won’t find them, they aren’t anywhere you can find them right now, okay? When we got whammied we were apparently 32, old, I know. But what we are hoping for is that when today is over we will go back to our regular age, and this will all just be a blip on the radar. This video is so that you know from our own mouth that we are safe here, and that Tony is Tony, and you can trust these people. So, yeah, just, be safe little me, and good luck” Dean says, waving awkwardly and shutting the laptop off.   
I look down at Dean who is just staring at the laptop, looking deep in thought, and I grin when a moment later he looks up at me, the trust now overpowering the wariness.   
I chuckle when I get off the bed and look back at Dean to see him looking at me with a grin plastered on his face, his arms held into the air in the universal ‘pick me up’ gesture.   
And I comply easily, lifting him off the bed and carrying him downstairs, plopping him down onto a chair at the table and collecting things to make oatmeal, one of the only other breakfast items I can make successfully.   
20 minutes later and me and Dean are sitting at the table, enjoying our strawberry and cream oatmeal.   
When Dean signs for a drink I go and get him one, and snap my head up when I hear him gasp in surprise, I look over to where he is looking and see Gibbs standing in the doorway, looking at me.   
I finish getting Dean’s milk and sit down next to him once more, pointing Gibbs over to the stove where his oatmeal is still sitting in the pot.   
When Gibbs has his breakfast he sits down with us and introduces himself to Dean.   
“Hey, i’m Gibbs” he says nicely, watching how Dean reacts out of the corner of his eye.   
“Dean” I say, knowing what Dean wants me to do when his hand twists itself into my shirt.   
I watch as Gibbs’s eyebrows draw together and he shoots me a questioning look.   
“Dean doesn’t talk, he wanted me to tell you his name” I say, holding back a smile when he just nods and goes back to his breakfast, and Dean just lets out a breath of relief, going back to his.   
I hope that the rest of the day goes this smoothly, although with our track record, you never know.


	39. chapter 39

Tony’s POV 

When we finish breakfast Gibbs tells me that Abby is coming over today and he’s going to work, he told me that Abby said that ‘there is no way i’m missing out on what could be the last day of baby Dean’ which admittedly sounds a lot like something she would say.   
A few minutes later and i’m upstairs with Dean making sure he gets everything that he needs so he can go take a shower, and just as I send him off to the shower I hear Abby yell something from downstairs, so I head down there, intending to shower when Dean is done.   
“Hey Abby” I greet as I see her sitting on the couch with a Caf-Pow in her hand.   
“Hey Tony, you doing alright?” she asks, the concern from last night still there.   
“Yeah, i’m good, I was just a little overwhelmed last night” I tell her, plastering a fake smile on my lips.   
“So, Dean doesn’t talk. He knows some signs, but he hasn’t talked since the night of the fire, so, just, don’t expect him to answer you verbally” I tell her, not wanting Dean to have to try and figure out how to communicate to her that he doesn’t talk, he had to do it enough as a kid.   
I stick around for a few minutes after Dean gets out of the shower, making sure that Dean is at least familiar with Abby before I leave him alone with her.   
“Hey Dean, i’m going to take a shower and then we can figure out what we’re going to do today, okay?” I ask, and get up as he nods his head at me, still pretty distracted by Abby’s story.   
When I get back downstairs I see that Abby has completely won Dean over, and he is sitting in rapt attention as she talks, her words obviously captivating him.   
I sit down next to him on the couch as she finishes up her retelling of one of the cases that we worked on, without all the gory details.   
“So, what do you guys think we should do today?” I ask, setting a pen and paper in Dean’s lap as I ask.   
A few moments later Dean shoves the paper into my face with an excited grin.   
“Park, what do you think Abby?” I ask looking over at the beaming goth.   
“The park sounds like fun!” She says, bouncing off the couch along with Dean, and then they both grab a hand and haul me to my feet, apparently excited to leave.   
“Jacket, Dean” I remind him as he bounds up the stairs and into the guest room, coming back down a moment later with his jacket in hand.   
“Shoes” I say as he gets back to me.   
When he has successfully tied his shoes he looks up at me with an expectant look and motions towards the door.   
“Yeah, let me just grab some coffee, then we can leave” I tell him, ducking into the kitchen quickly to grab some before going back out to the front door, where Abby and Dean are both standing holding hands and bouncing about like kids on sugar highs.   
When we are all seated in the car, after making sure that Dean is really buckled this time, I turn on the radio, causing Dean to grin at me from his seat in the back.   
A few minutes later we arrive at the park, and Abby quickly jumps from her seat, opening the back door and grabbing Dean’s hand, pulling the both of them towards the swings and setting Dean off with a few pushes before getting on the one next to him.   
I just chuckle at the sight before me as I get out of the car and make my way over to the bench at the edge of the playground.   
My peace doesn’t last very long though, as a moment later Abby yells for me to get my lazy butt up and to come and play with them.   
So with a resigned, yet still highly amused look her way I get up and make my way over to the swingset, sitting on the swing on the other side of Dean and half-heartedly kicking my legs back and forth.   
I don’t realise what’s happening until it’s too late.   
Dean and Abby get off the swingset and rush over to me, both of them grinning as they shove me from behind, and I go from lightly rocking back and forth to swinging violently into the air and almost falling out of the seat, much to the amusement of Dean and Abby.   
The rest of the day at the park goes remarkably the same, a weirdly picturesque day filled with laughing and fun, we ended up playing soccer for a while and then going on a hike, with Abby getting a piggyback ride from me most of the way due to her boots causing some discomfort on the uneven trail.   
After we were finished at the park we went to a little cafe and got sandwiches and ice cream, it was nice, and it was odd, because we all seemed to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it didn’t.   
On the ride home Dean fell asleep and Abby looked like she wanted to tell me something but couldn’t figure out how to say it, so I was relieved when she finally started talking.   
“You know Tony, I never thought that I would ever be able to actually understand your brother…. feel bad for him, know he’s a good man, wish better for him, yes, but actually understand him? I didn’t think he would let that happen, but this, even though it’s obviously not a good thing, and we are hoping that he goes back to his real age tomorrow, I can’t help but think that it wasn’t all bad, being able to interact with him, and talk with him throughout his life, it gave us all a better understanding of the man he is, and why he is the way that he is. And I feel like that understanding is a good thing, even if the way we got that understanding isn’t, and we are obviously still missing huge parts of the puzzle, and we obviously don’t know everything, or understand a lot of the pieces of him that make him Dean, but knowing what we do now, it is so beneficial and I think that when he goes back to being the guarded man that he is, we will be able to help him that much more, to be able to be there for him in ways that we would never have even known he would need. It’s just, what i’m trying to say is, I think that this wasn’t all bad, not to mention how freaking cute little Dean is” she tells me, obviously trying to figure out how to form the words she needs to tell me what she wants to, but I understand what she’s saying.   
“I get what you’re saying Abby, and I agree. This might not have been the greatest thing to ever happen, but it wasn’t anywhere near the worst, and it definitely had it’s perks. You know, I really do hope that Dean goes back to being 32 tomorrow, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t. If I got the chance to raise him like I wanted to, with a paycheck and a real support system that could be there for me when I needed it, or even if I just wanted it, and he wouldn’t have had to grow up like we did, it could be a fresh start, and he could be happy, he could be a kid, he could go to school and become a mechanic, or whatever he decided he wants to be, and he could get married and be happy. And then I realise that I can’t want that for him, because then all of the good memories that he has will be gone, all of his time with Sammy, and all the good things in his life will be gone, and even though I want better for him, even though I want a second chance for the both of us, I can’t wish that his memories of our baby brother are gone, because he doesn’t have Sammy around anymore to make new ones. Not to mention that he said that if he had the chance, he wouldn’t change anything about his past. I can’t wish something for him that he doesn’t want, even if it will save him mountains of pain.” I tell her, admitting what’s been bothering me for the last week.   
“Oh Tony, sometimes I forget that you’re grieving for Sam too” Abby says, laying her hand on my arm.   
“Yeah, I try to forget too, I mean, do I even really have the right to grieve for him? I abandoned him, when he was eight fucking years old, and I was the only father figure he had. I mean, who the fuck does that?” I ask, trying to ignore the stinging in my eyes.   
“Of course you have the right to grieve for him, he was your baby brother, you raised him, he was basically your kid, you loved him. So of course you are allowed to grieve for him” Abby says, and i’m glad that we are pulling into Gibbs’s driveway, because I can’t hold back the tears that are now escaping my eyes.   
“I don’t deserve this Abby, I don’t deserve to be happy when my baby brothers are like this, when one of them is dead and the other one went to hell and still has nightmares all the time, when he is so guarded and scarred, why do I deserve to be happy? I don’t. I hurt them, and then they just kept hurting and I wasn’t there to help them, to stop the pain, to protect them. It was my fucking job Abby, they were mine to protect and I was fucking selfish, I left because I was selfish and now look at my family. Every single one of us is fucked up and broken or dead” I rant, the hot tears not falling freely down my cheeks as I finally tell her everything that has been eating through me like acid.   
“Tony” she mutters, the concern for me bleeding through in her voice as she leans over the console and pulls me into a hug.   
A few minutes later i’ve pulled myself together and i’m wiping my eyes, looking back over my shoulder at Dean, who is still sleeping peacefully in the backseat, apparently wiped out after all the running around we did today.   
“I’m gonna take him inside, can you get the door for me?” I ask Abby, and when she looks like she is going to protest I just shoot her a pleading look, and she nods her head before getting out of the car and going to the front door, opening it and holding it while I get Dean from the backseat and carry him inside.   
Once Dean is settled on the couch I sit down next to Abby and turn the T.V on, both of us deciding that we should watch cartoons. And when Dean wakes up he stumbles over to the two of us and wedges himself in between us, getting comfortable before showing his full attention to Tom and Jerry.


	40. chapter 40

Dean POV 

When Mr. Gibbs, the man from this morning, comes back to the house he has bags of chinese food with him, and it smells just good enough for me to get up from my comfortable position between Abby and Tony.   
After I have my plate of food Mr. Gibbs tells us that we can go eat in the living room and watch TV, and that’s what we do.   
We watch Tom and Jerry and Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny, and we eat our food, and by the time I eat all my food I can feel my eyes drifting shut. The next thing I remember is Tony carrying me to my room and putting me to bed. As I settle down once more into the bed that for once doesn’t have lumps and springs digging into my back, I smile, because this was the best day that i’ve had in a long time, at least since before mommy died.   
As soon as I think of mommy I know that it will be a long time until I really fall asleep now, I try and recall what she looked like, what she smelled like, what her smile looked like, but no matter how hard I concentrate, I can’t remember.   
I feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks as I get more frustrated, as I try and think, because I should know what she looks like, she’s my mom.   
After a few more minutes of trying desperately to remember what she looked like, and only coming up with a blurry image of a woman, I decide to go and find Tony, because he remembers, I know that he’ll remember.   
I throw the blankets off me and then hop the short distance to the floor, trying to recall when I changed into pajamas. I leave the room and go to the top of the stairs, listening to see if anyone is still up down there.   
When I hear the cartoons still playing I start down the stairs, making sure to keep my steps light like Daddy taught me.   
When I see that Abby and Mr. Gibbs are still up I reach up to wipe at the tears still stubbornly crawling down my face, but I give up when I realise that more keep coming to replace the ones I wipe away.   
I walk further into the room, not looking up from the ground as I make my way around Tony’s side of the couch to stand in front of him, not wanting them to see my tears.   
“D?” Tony asks, sitting up and tilting my chin up so that i’m looking at him, and I can feel the stares of Abby and Mr. Gibbs on my back.   
“What’s wrong Dean?” Tony asks as someone mutes the TV behind me.   
Hearing the concern and worry in Tony’s voice only makes the tears come faster, and wanting to hide, I slump forwards and throw my arms around Tony’s neck, burying my face into his neck as the tears continue to stream down my face.   
“Is it about mom?” he asks quietly as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his lap and sitting back against the couch.   
I nod my head.   
“Are you forgetting what she was like?” he asks gently, somehow knowing exactly why i’m upset.   
I just nod my head once more.   
“Well, she has blonde hair and blue eyes. She smiles all the time, but we can’t let that fool us, mom was tough, and fierce, and she didn’t take anyone’s shit, except yours of course. You were like her kryptonyte, all you had to do was pull out your puppy dog eyes and pout and she would melt, although I think that applies to everyone, you were a really cute baby. Anyway, she loved us more than anything, and her and dad were grossly cute together, she would always make us feel better when we got hurt or we were down, she made the best cookies and always gave the best presents. She was an amazing mom, and she loved you buddy, even though she isn’t here to tell you anymore, she loves you.” Tony says, going on about how good mom was, and I can hear it in his voice that he still misses her a lot too.   
As Tony talks I can see the image of mom clearing up, not all the way but it’s easier to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to remember what she smelled like and how much she loved us.   
It’s with those comforting thoughts in my head that I finally drift off to sleep, my tight grip around Tony’s neck finally loosening as I slip off into oblivion.   
The next time I wake up it’s with all of my memories, and I mean all of them, I remember being 27 and 17 and 6 and I remember everything that Tony and his team did for me while I was like that.   
I sit up in bed and look over to the right where I know the mirror is, and I breathe out a sigh of relief when I see my own 32 year old face looking back at me.   
Although i’m not sure how exactly I got back to bed after I fell asleep on Tony last night, I suppose he put me up here though. I feel a wash of embarrassment go through me, quickly followed by gratitude to Tony, because he took care of me, and he made sure that I didn’t forget mom.   
I get out of the bed, quickly realising that I don’t have any clothes, and the ones I was wearing are ripped in the bed, seeing as i’m not exactly the size of a six year old anymore.   
I decide to wrap the sheet around my waist before leaving the room, in search of Tony and some clothing.   
When I get downstairs I see Tony sleeping on the couch, and I quickly make my way over to him, shaking his shoulder as I feel the smile creeping onto my face, happy that i’m me again.   
When he startles awake I see him look around confused before he actually focuses on me, grinning when he realises that i’m an adult in an adults body once more.   
“The spell wore off” he says incredulous.   
“Yeah, it did” I say, the duh heard but unsaid.   
“Why are you wearing a sheet?” he asks, the happiness making way for confusion.   
“You didn’t plan ahead very well, the only clothes in the guest room are for six year old me” I tell him.   
“I have a change of clothes that should fit you” he says, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.   
“I’ll be right back” he says, going out the front door with his car keys in hand.   
He comes back a few minutes later with jeans and a Zeppelin Tee in his hands, tossing them at me a moment later.   
I walk into the bathroom, changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, trying to keep myself from smiling.   
When I emerge a few minutes later I walk into the kitchen to see Tony making coffee.   
“I’ve got breakfast today, cereal was getting kind of old” I tease.   
“I happen to make amazing cereal… Wait? Do you actually remember these last few days?” he asks as he sits down at the table with his coffee.   
“Every last minute” I tell him, a grin still plastered on my face.   
I gather the things i’ll need to make pancakes, pausing only once to talk to Tony.   
“Tony, I just wanted to say thank you, for last night, and um, these last few days that i’ve been, um, little” I tell him, not waiting on an answer before turning around once more.   
When Gibbs walks in a few minutes later I just grin in the face of his shock, directing him to the table as I finish up the pancakes.   
As soon as breakfast is made I make my way over to the coffee pot, pouring myself a huge mug before glaring playfully at Tony and making my way to the table.   
It’s a few moments later when the happy bubble that seems to have enveloped me is popped.   
Cas pops into the kitchen with a somber face, not that it’s anything new, but his next words are.   
“I’m glad that you are back to yourself Dean, it makes explaining my news easier” he says   
“What news Cas?” I ask


	41. chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

Dean POV 

“It is not bad news, nor is it good news, but I think you might want to sit down for this” Cas says, and me and Tony both sit back down, me trying to keep still while I wait for Cas to tell us what he is obviously nervous about.   
“I have found Sam” he says, causing a wave of shock to overtake me.   
“What do you mean Cas?” I ask, not waiting for him to continue on his own.   
“Not here on earth, but his soul is not in hell like we had presumed, I am not sure how it happened, maybe it was God, or maybe it was just a mistake, but Sam is in heaven now, one of my brothers informed me of this, and I went to see for myself, he is happy there Dean, not suffering. I thought it only right for me to tell you.” Cas says, and I feel like I just got sucker punched.   
When he said he found Sam I thought he meant here, on earth. After I get my breath back once more I can focus on the words that he just told me.   
Sammy is at peace, he’s happy.   
I battle with my conflicting emotions, I am so happy that he isn’t in hell like I had feared, but he is gone, and I won’t see him again.   
I reach up and wipe away the stray tear slowly crawling down my cheek.  
“Are you alright Dean?” Tony asks a few moments later, but I can hear the same longing in his voice.   
“I’m happy that he is at peace, but I miss him so fucking much” I tell him, my voice cracking.   
“Yeah” Tony says, his emotions overtaking his voice and stopping him from talking anymore.   
“I am sorry Dean” Cas says genuinely   
“It’s not your fault Cas” I mutter.   
“I know, but, I am sorry that you can no longer be with your brother, he will be missed” Cas amends. 

\-- Time skip 2 years -- 

I shake my head to rid my hair of some of the dirt caked into it, only to wince when I remember that I probably have a concussion.   
I take a moment to give my vision time to unblur before I get into baby, throwing my shovel in the trunk first, and turning on the radio as I pull out onto the road, heading back home.   
About an hour and a half later I pull up to my apartment building and make my way inside, pounding on Tony’s door before I make my way to my own, letting him know to get his lazy ass up to come help me stitch my side up.   
A few minutes later Tony appears in my apartment, which just happens to be next to his, pulling me off my couch and into the bathroom, pushing me down onto the toilet seat as he pulls out the first aid kit under the sink.   
“How bad?” he asks  
“Concussion, laceration on my side, a few bruises and bumps but nothing too bad, I just need you to stitch my side up” I tell him, wincing when he pours the alcohol over my still bleeding cut.   
“I still think that you should think about retiring Dean” he says, continuing the argument that we have been having for the last two years.   
“No Tony, I will not stop hunting. Saving people, hunting things, the family business. I might not have wanted that when I started, but it makes me feel good now, saving lives, and it makes me feel closer to Sammy, almost like he’s there with me, helping out with research and bitching about my diet” I tell him softly, admitting the truth.   
He just sighs as he stitches up my side, obviously not willing to admit defeat but knowing that he has no chance of winning this particular argument.   
“Abby told me to remind you that we are all having a barbecue at Gibbs’s tomorrow, and that you had better show up” he tells me a few minutes later, amusement coloring his tone.   
“Yeah, I can leave Damian to close up the garage tomorrow afternoon” I tell him.   
“You know, I am really proud of you D. you have come a long way from the broken hunter who stumbled across us two years ago, I mean, look at you now. You have an apartment, you own a shop and you’re a mechanic just like you always wanted to be, you have an adorable boyfriend and a bigger family than we had ever dreamed of having. And even though you still hunt, I get it, it’s a part of you and it makes you feel closer to Sammy. But I really am proud of you Dean, for everything, for trying, for deciding to stick around and let us help you” Tony says, his face showing me how true every word he’s saying is, and I feel tears well up in my eyes.   
“No chick flick moments” I tell him half heartedly.   
He chuckles as he applies the bandage to my side, taping it down and then hauling me back to my feet.   
“Let’s go, i’ve got to stay here now for concussion checks” he says, a fake anger overtaking his voice.   
“Shut up, asshole” I say teasingly, a smile firmly on my lips.   
I watch as he spins around, a hand placed dramatically over his heart with a wounded expression on his face.   
“I am offended that you would use such vulgar language on your loving brother like that” he says, and I can see how much he is struggling with holding in his laughter.   
“Yeah, and who taught me this vulgar language?” I ask, causing his thin string of control to snap, sending him into fits of laughter.   
“You, might have a point” he says, pointing me to my bedroom before flopping down on the couch and setting a timer for 2 hours.   
Once i’m in my pajamas I settle under the blankets, and Tony’s words from earlier make me think back on all that has happened since I found him, and I smile, because I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t found these people, my family.  
I probably would have met Sammy in heaven a bit sooner, but it’s okay, because even though I still miss him with everything in me, i’m happy here, and i’ve made a life for myself, and I think that Sammy would be proud of me too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? good? bad? meh? lemme know what you think. :)


End file.
